From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense: As social animals, we benefit from avoiding rejection. “To the extent that social rejection or exclusion is a threat to survival, feeling ‘hurt’ by these experiences may be an adaptive way to prevent them,” Eisenberger wrote.
Perhaps your father-in-law had a reason that made sense to him, but his decisions have led to pain and estrangement that you and your husband have to deal with.
If it’s any consolation, however, being estranged from a family member is not uncommon.
Although you and your husband might never totally get over this betrayal, there are positive steps both of you can take to mitigate the hurt and move on.
Gather data
This type of betrayal can be confusing and disorienting. It sounds as if your husband was dismissed without much explanation, and his sister was then deemed the favourite child.
Talk to family members and colleagues from the business to find out what may have motivated your father to take this action. Were there financial problems with the business that led him to use your husband as a scapegoat? Did an old sibling rivalry resurface?
If your father-in-law remarried, the new spouse may have engineered a family reorganisation. (New spouses, alas, can often cause family rifts.) Understanding the factors that led to the dismissal might make it more comprehensible and somewhat less hurtful.
“A vast number of estrangements are situational, rather than being a product, say, of harsh parenting,” Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University who has researched family estrangements and the author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, told me. “Many emerge from disagreements, values differences and unmet expectations.”
Consider reconciliation (with a caveat)
The preoccupation can take up an unhealthy share of your life. Prolonged estrangements can be emotionally exhausting, leading to chronic stress, depression and anxiety. Ruptures can also create collateral damage, as other family members get pulled into the commotion. I’ve seen feuds divide families, ruining holiday gatherings and creating Shakespearean levels of drama.
Only you can decide whether trying to reconcile or reconnect is palatable or even wise. Consider the following options:
Attempt to reconnect
Decide what you want from the reconnection. For instance, is it to get an apology, to get more clarity about the rejection or to reconcile? Consider having a family therapist help you determine your goals and advise you on how to make contact and what to say when you do. A therapist can also guide meetings and help keep the conversation structured and on point.
Write a letter
If you care more about healing yourself than mending the relationship (and who could blame you?), then carefully craft a letter to your father-in-law. Rather than lashing out, focus the letter on your feelings. You can explain how hurt and confused you feel, and the effect the abrupt dismissal had on your life. A letter allows you to be honest and vulnerable, which is often difficult to do when you are face-to-face with your betrayer.
Write a letter but don’t send it
If the situation is too toxic to touch, then write your letter, but keep it to yourself. The act of writing will help you process your feelings and give you a sense of control that your father-in-law took away. And because you are not sending it, you can be as caustic as you like!
Similarly, you could try writing about the trauma for 15 to 30 minutes for three to five days straight. This is a type of therapeutic writing, developed by James Pennebaker, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, that has been shown to improve emotional wellbeing and help people create a more cohesive narrative about a troubling event. The instructions are simple: let go and explore your deepest feelings and thoughts about the betrayal. Write continuously and don’t censor yourself.
Love the ones you’re with
After a betrayal, self-doubt can set in, and you may wonder whether you are unloveable or somehow to blame. Deepen your connections to the family members and friends whom you love and trust. Positive, loving relationships can increase your confidence and restore your sense of trust.
The aftermath of a betrayal can linger for years. Continue to discuss your feelings with trusted friends or a skilled therapist. Know that, over time, emotions tend to lose their intensity and turn into a constructive narrative when they are felt, named and expressed.
Lesley Alderman is a psychotherapist based in Brooklyn.
