After studying love for more than 20 years, a Harvard professor has spoken about what he believes is the best sign of a lasting relationship – and it has nothing to do with romance or passion.
Arthur Brooks, an expert in social science, featured on a podcast called The Drivewith Peter Attia MD, where the pair discussed the signs that indicate a relationship will stand the test of time.
Apparently, the main sign that your marriage will last is that it’s built on friendship.
“The goal of your marriage is not passion, it’s friendship,” Brooks revealed. “This is the goal, you must be close friends, ideally best friends, with your spouse.”
“One of the most important things for a happy life is a partnership with somebody who will be the last person you set eyes on as you take your last dying breath …” he continued.
“I’m going to be with my wife Ester until death do us part, that has to be the juice of the relationship where the love actually makes happiness, and love is truly the great secret to happiness.”
Harvard professor Arthur Brooks reveals the one sign your marriage will last. Photo / The Drive, YouTube
During the course of the conversation, the professor also shared some major signs that your marriage might be headed for divorce.
“One of the greatest predictors of divorce is partners who are lonely while living together, and this means that the only thing you have in common is your kids,” he explained.
He used the example of “empty nest syndrome”, which refers to the feelings parents have when their children leave home, leaving them sad and sometimes even distressed.
“[When] that one point of commonality disappears and you’re sitting across the table blinking at each other during dinner and not talking because you literally have nothing to talk about,” he said.
“[Couples] should develop philosophical interests in common; they’re talking about deep things. There’s got to be something bigger than ‘Did you change his diaper?’ because that’s not going to be in common forever, and you’re going to be lonely in your relationship.”
In addition to finding commonalities with your partner, it’s also important to have strong friendships outside your marriage – especially for men who are less inclined to keep up with their pals.
“You’ve got to work on these things for sure, for a lot of reasons besides the fact that it’s just healthy and good. You might, at some point, be left alone if you’re widowed. You don’t want to be alone under those circumstances,” he said.
“That is one of the reasons why men do so poorly when they lose their wives, because a lot of them don’t have real friendships.”
Another interesting tidbit was that Brooks urged people not to fret if the passion isn’t the same as when you first started your relationship, and it’s even “advisable”.
He described having low intimacy levels as “healthy, normal, and actually advisable, as it’s more sustainable in the long run”.
