Laura Henshaw and Steph Claire Smith talk about confidence in their book, You Take Care. Photo / Supplied
Health and wellness influencer and business owner Laura Henshaw explains why you need to be your biggest cheerleader in this extract from You Take Care, the book she has written with friend and business partner Steph Claire Smith.
How many times have you thought about a particular person, job or experience and thought, “Wow, but that isn’t within reach for me”? Making yourself small or not trying new things because of a fear of failure or being embarrassed means you stay in your comfort zone.
One of my biggest learnings has been that when we put something off and do not believe in ourselves, we will never do that thing. Saying, “one day” convinces the mind that we aren’t letting ourselves down, but deep down we know that we are. You have to believe in you. You are responsible for believing in yourself. No one else will do it for you.
Please don’t wait for someone else to give you permission to do, be, or try that thing – you may be waiting your whole life. You have two choices (pick whichever option you are the most likely to convince your mind of):
1. You are, in fact, special.
2. No one is special.
Whichever way you look at it, there’s no reason for you not to take your shot. Either you’re special, so it will work out, or no one is special, so why shouldn’t it work out for you?
I have been very lucky in my life to have met some incredible and influential people. Something they all have in common is that they are human. They are imperfect, not particularly “special” and do not have superpowers. What they do have is grit, determination and a take-control mindset that allows them to believe that they are worthy.
Most importantly, they are each very clear on their personal values.
Imagine you are walking into a job interview. You are very nervous, and when the person interviewing you asks you why they should give you the job, you freeze and think, “Oh my goodness, does this mean they know I’m an imposter? How can I convince them that I’m the right person? The other candidates are so amazing. I should probably give up now.” Self-doubt takes over, and suddenly the person interviewing you – someone who has never met you before – realises that you do not believe in your own ability to take on this job. Consequently, they do not believe in you.
Self-doubt is absolutely natural, but the successful people I know don’t let it cripple their dreams. Instead, they use it to fuel their desire to never stop learning and growing. You are the author of your story. You get to decide what you are capable of.
From a young age, many of us get the message that we should know exactly what we want to do for the rest of our life the second we finish high school. And if we don’t, then we must pursue whatever career we’ve decided on at that moment and continue with it, even if we had no idea what we wanted from life at the time.
You will not regret making a change to a career for something you love or have more passion for. Of course, other circumstances - including financial, family, caring commitments, etc - may make changing direction hard, and some people won’t always have the option. But, if the only thing holding you back is worrying about your age or that your journey isn’t living up to your best friend’s or someone you follow online, you can let that go. Give yourself permission to change. Your life is not set by anyone, except you. You get to decide the order of events, and when and if you study.
It sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? You just need to trust yourself. I mean, we know that building trust with others can be hard, but surely building trust within ourselves should be easy, right? Unfortunately, it is much harder.
So, what exactly does it mean to trust our abilities, qualities and judgment? Let’s break each of those elements down and work through them.
Believing in your own abilities and where they can take you isn’t limited to what you do for work. Abilities can encompass anything you love doing, whether that’s a favourite hobby or something that comes naturally to you. When you believe in these abilities, you know that you can deliver if someone asks something of you at work or in your personal life. For example, if you are offered a promotion at work, you need to believe in your ability to take it on. If you want to start running, and you are able, but you have never really done it before, you must believe you can be a runner, and that you can do it.
You can believe in your own ability to try things out, and this doesn’t mean you need to master new things every time; you just need to feel confident that you will try your best, and that your best will be enough.
Even if everyone around you believes (or does not believe) in your abilities, you will not find your confidence here until you believe in them yourself. If you have people around you who make you feel small and do not believe in your abilities, try to stay as far away from them as possible. If you can’t do that, then make them small in your mind and do not listen to what they say.
I once worked with someone who, after a while, left me feeling absolutely incapable of anything. This didn’t happen overnight, and I didn’t see any problems coming until I ended up in a heap, questioning everything about myself. When doing a task at work, I was terrified of doing it wrong, and I started to believe that I was so incapable I would probably do it wrong. Everything I attempted took 10 times longer than it should have, because I would check for mistakes so many times. What was worse than all the checking and self-doubt were all the things I just didn’t try at all during this time. When you don’t believe in your ability to do things, the scariest thing is actually doing anything new as you do not want to again be reminded that you, well, “suck”.
This was the most anxious period of my life. I spent quite a few months feeling this way until I finally had a lightbulb moment: the person who put me in this spot was absolutely not coming to save me. The only person who could do that was me. I realised that while I did not agree with the way this person acted or their values, it wasn’t their fault I was feeling this way. I took responsibility for the fact that I (albeit subconsciously) had allowed them to change the way I felt about myself and my abilities. I had let go of something I should have been in control of.
You may think I’m being harsh by blaming myself for losing confidence in my abilities – especially if you are in the thick of something similar right now. But the truth is, it’s easier to blame other people when we lose confidence. They may be part of what causes a lapse in confidence, but if we don’t take responsibility for our own feelings and beliefs, we will not be able to get on top of them and find our confidence again.
To get through this tough time I revisited my values and did some personal work around letting go of others’ judgments. I did this by listening and reading, and I remembered that two of the most important things to me are growth and learning. If I stayed stuck in the spot I was in at that moment, I would be preventing myself from growing or learning. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do to make me believe in my abilities again: I put myself out there again. I started by jumping into a shallow pool, and I swam. I then went deeper and deeper and pushed further outside my comfort zone until I felt like me again and, most importantly, until I believed in myself again.
I learned a few important lessons from this experience. Don’t put your value in the hands of anyone except you.
There are many “right” ways of doing things. Just because you aren’t doing something the same as someone else doesn’t mean you aren’t doing it “right”.
There will always be people in your life who will not believe in you. All you can do is make sure that you have the right tools in your belt to ensure that you don’t let those people penetrate your belief in yourself.
People who make you doubt your own abilities should never be your teachers.
Your qualities are the things that make you, you. Your honesty, for example, or integrity, kind heart, drive, loyalty – your ability to make people laugh. The thing about qualities is that there’s no one universal list of qualities that everyone agrees makes a “good” person.
And it’s lucky that’s the case or we’d all be clones of each other and the world would be a very boring place. Belief in your qualities is about knowing that you have everything you need inside of you right now. You are “enough” as you are.
Edited extract from You Take Care by Laura Henshaw and Steph Claire Smith. Murdoch Books RRP $36.99.
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