KEY POINTS:
"There was a knock at the door. I knew it was the wife's mother, because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps."
Know any other mother-in-law jokes? You likely do: they've been a dime a dozen for decades, as TV sitcom and comedy-circuit staples and as
word-of-mouth gags.
We're all familiar with the popular culture stereotype of mothers-in-law as interfering, overbearing, domineering harridans who mollycoddle their adult son while quietly _ or loudly _ undermining his wife.
Little wonder that monikers "mother-outlaw" and "monster-in-law" (also the title of a 2005 movie that's enough to put anyone off Jane Fonda) have been coined.
Sometimes the stereotype is deserved.
For 18 years, Wellington human resources manager Maia has had a rocky relationship with her 66-year-old mother-in-law. "Through the early stages the relationship felt quite false and I felt judged," recalls Maia, 38.
The were snide remarks about money, and people's weight.
Then there were snarky remarks about Maori, despite her mother-in-law knowing Maia is part-Maori.
"Once, after a racist comment, I walked out and started packing my bags. It was a complete culture clash."
The snarky remarks made Maia feel she wasn't good enough for her piggy-in-the-middle husband, who, at 44, is still "my darling boy" to his mother.
"I think she felt I was quite common and from a dysfunctional [blended] family, so I was a bit messy and hard to put in a box."
Distance during the couple's recent eight years overseas helped settle the relationship. "But the turning point was when I was having problems with my mother and rung my mother-in-law. It closed this massive hole.
"Now she understands more where I'm coming from and vice versa."
The couple now take their 7-year-old daughter to visit her grandmother about once every two months. Living in the same town, says Maia, "would be fireworks, but the saviour is the space in between".
Maddening mothers-in-law date back millennia. In the 1st century AD, the Roman poet Juvenal wrote: "Give up all hope of peace as long as your mother-in-law is alive."
Even Queen Victoria found time to criticise daughter-in-law Princess Alexandra for sleeping in and her children's late bedtimes; while of the more recent royal crop, word has it Princess Di and the Queen weren't exactly sharing baking tips.
And you get the feeling rhythm-and-blues musician Ernie K-Doe, whose 1961 chart-topper Mother-in-Law Made Millions ("Satan should be her name / To me they're 'bout the same"), didn't have the world's best relationship with his mum-in-law.
Come the 21st century, the collective clamour about mothers-in-laws has spawned Doctor Phil episodes; joke mother-in-law-penned wedding invites ("You are regretfully invited to the wedding between my perfect son The Doctor and Some Cheap Two-Bit Tramp whose name escapes me right now"), and even various voodoo doll ranges with advertising blurbs like "Don't get mad, get even: use your personal voodoo doll to take your revenge on the evil doings of your mother-in-law".
You couldn't blame Amy Winehouse if she stuck pins into one, as her mother-in-law, who won't speak to the troubled singer, has been quoted as saying: "What would any mother think when she sees Amy?"
And the internet has become a handy site for despairing daughters-in-law to unite. In one alarming account on www.motherinlawstories.com, a bride's mother-in-law asked her to step out of her own wedding photos, while another repeatedly tells her son to kick his wife out on the street.
And on anonymous online support group I Hate My Mother In Law, you'll find this depiction: "My MIL is a vicious, selfish, vapid, evil witch that probably flies around on her broom scaring small children."
Though thankfully they're usually not that bad, mother-in-law issues aren't surprising given that unlike friends or partners, we don't get to choose them and unlike family, we don't have that shared history and genetic bond. (Of course a mother-in-law isn't just the woman you forge a relationship with when, and if, you get hitched _ it's also shorthand for your partner's mum.)
They come with the territory.
But in modern-day society _ as women work to a ripe old age with less time or energy to interfere, and often live in a different city anyway _ has the role of the mother-in-law mellowed? Is she friend or foe? Loved or loathed? Can those of us preparing for the mum-in-law meet-and-greet breathe a collective sigh of relief?
Well, sometimes.
Jeanette Thomas, co-presenter of TV3 consumer rights show Target and co-host of The Breeze's breakfast radio programme, adores mother-in-law Anne so much she's trying to convince her to move next door. Jeanette, 36, husband Dave, daughters Charlotte, 6, and Mia, 4, live in Whangaparaoa and see his Rotorua parents about once every six weeks.
That will change next year once Anne, 70, and Noel move to Whangaparaoa _ and if Jeanette gets her way, move into the house for sale down the street.
Jeanette and Anne, who chat on the phone regularly, share a love of fashion, walks and the girls.
And since they hit it off 11 years ago, despite Jeanette's nerves, the relationship's never been rocky or required hard work. "I'm lucky, man! She's never invaded privacy, never crossed that line. I don't even know that we have a line."
Crossing the line is something Auckland psychologist Dr Ruth Jillings, who specialises in family and adult issues, hears a lot. "Many women have the perception that their mothers-in-law are very disapproving: unhappy with their lifestyle and the way they're raising the kids.
"Frequent comments are that the daughter-in-law's too busy rushing round, spends too much money, or indulges her kids."
While the heart of the problem is a generational gap, says Jillings, this doesn't need to spell disaster. "It helps to stand in the shoes of your mother-in-law, imagine how things are for her and realise things were different when she was younger.
"With understanding you can be a lot more forgiving."
She says mothers-in-law can also irk their sons-in-law.
"One of my earliest childhood memories is seared into my brain. I was 5, playing on the driveway while my mum was chatting to her mother. Innocently I piped up: `Daddy hates you, Grandma'.
"Because it was so obvious they hated each other, I didn't know I'd said anything wrong until I saw the looks of horror on their faces."
She's now sure the problem was class and religious differences, and an unwillingness to bridge that gap. The relationship was never repaired.
Last year, US sociologist Dr Deborah Merrill authored one of the first books on the mother-in-law conundrum: Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Understanding the Relationship and What Makes Them Friends or Foes.
While jokes have been levelled that she's a brave woman to tackle such a sensitive subject, Merrill says the topic needed addressing because it affects so many women, families and marriages.
"You're expected to treat one and other like family and assume the obligations of an adult child even before you get to know each other."
After a decade of research and interviews, Merrill drew some surprising conclusions. One was that over half of all pairs experienced often intense conflict (one woman fantasised about killing her mother-in-law). Commonly cited gripes were unsolicited advice from mothers-in-law, interference in child-raising, or other incidents of "stepping on toes".
"Many daughters-in-law were resentful that their mother-in-laws hadn't `let go' of their son, and they were resentful that they were often on the outside looking in on their sons' lives." While reluctance to include the other can cause a downward spiral, if you include each other when possible and respect the other's position, says Merrill, you can bury the hatchet.
Not everyone is troubled, as Merrill's research shows many mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships are strong, with a third of daughters-in-law considering them "tight-knit".
Sure, it's luck of the draw whether you get a honey or a harridan for your mother-in-law, but there's no need to resign yourself to decades of pursed lips and tense family gatherings.
As Maia says: "I think there's a lot of people who go through this stuff, but almost every relationship, however fraught, can be improved."
WHEN MOTHERS-IN-LAW GO OUTLAW
Clues your mother-in-law can't stand you don't get much more obvious than her setting her son up with another woman.
The relationship between 28-year-old Mount Maunganui administration officer Sheryl and her mother-in-law has deteriorated to the point where the older woman tried to set up Chris _ a 34-year-old she still calls her "darling baby boy" _ with a waitress during a mother and son dinner.
Says Sheryl: "She thinks I'm not good enough for her son, maybe because I don't wear my Sunday best every day. I've even heard her say `If I could choose my children's partners it would certainly be different'." That was at a family gathering within earshot of Sheryl, Chris and his married brother.
The two feisty, opinionated women were always going to clash.
"There's the `can't let go' problem. She's constantly commenting on how Chris is dressed, do this, don't do that, `no son of mine', `that's not where you're from'. Once she said `I don't get him to myself anymore' and another time, `you feel threatened by me'. I turned around and said `no, you are threatened by me' and she shot me a filthy look."
Part of the problem, admits Sheryl, is a values gap. "There's moral differences with us as a couple not needing marriage to have babies. She felt quite the opposite. Man, did that conversation cause a drama."
For the last nine months the two have had "no relationship".
Sheryl still hasn't found out what caused their "final fallout".
When Chris (who was staying at his mother's overnight for work reasons), told her he'd set a wedding date, she said she wouldn't come and began insulting Sheryl. Chris drove back to the Mount, despite having to return to Cambridge for work the next day.
Although Chris and his mother are barely speaking, she's now grudgingly agreed to attend the wedding, says Sheryl, "to keep up appearances of the perfect family". But supplying extended-family addresses for invitations _ now, that has been too much to ask.
