England's portly mates return in 'Fat Friends'

The bunch of hefty mates and struggling dieters returned last week in the British drama Fat Friends (TV One, 8.30pm) and kicked off the third season with a healthy serving of farce, topped with a generous dollop of the family melodramatics.

As the "Count with Carol" club members flew home from a prize holiday in Spain, lead character Betty checked in with a sizeable chunk of emotional excess baggage.

But first came the joy of seeing the fat and pasty northerners in their finest, package-holiday wear: first prize must go to Rebecca's boozy mum for spilling liberally out of a spearmint-coloured sun frock, leaving none of her generous curves to the imagination.

As we learned from a scene in the airport cafe, the northern English abroad are not out to make the most of the delicious local fare, spurning the exotic delicacies in favour of a cuppa - or as Rebecca's mum sneeringly summed up the Spanish nation's tea-making abilities, a cup of that "watery witch's piss".

If you think you've seen the worst of England on the Costa del Sol in Airport and other reality shows, Fat Friends was proof that fiction always does horror better. The reliably earthy Kelly shared with everyone her idea of the perfect getaway: "Getting pissed out of me brain and having a good shag."

A hapless, normal-sized passenger booked into the seat between the stout Kelly and portly Kevin obviously wouldn't make it back to Blighty still breathing.

Kevin, sunburned in private places and back in fine idiotic form, suffered an unfortunate incident in the plane's loo when he made the mistake of flushing before rising off the seat. The vacuum created fixed his ample rear to the seat as efficiently as superglue.

Talk about being badly sucked in. "Now I've got this great red ring around me bum," he howled for the benefit of his fellow passengers. "It'll match your two red bollocks then," returned his loving wife.

The exchange of sweet nothings continued when the couple got home and discovered Kevin had cocked up the house sale. "Oh 'eck, she's got her Exorcist face on," winced Kev, as Kelly prepared to give him what for.

The guy might be the most gormless lard-arse in the North, but sometimes he displays a surprising way with words.

The rest of the episode, though, was as heavy-going as the Count with Carol members on the scales, devoted mainly to the long, turgid storyline about the overly affectionate relationship developing between Betty and the son she was forced to adopt out as a baby, Simon.

Betty and Simon are in the throes of something bordering on obsession and there is trouble at mill - correction, in their respective households and jealous families.

Betty, good-hearted to a fault but not always given to good sense, looks to be heading for disaster. If you were comparing her prospects for a happy ending with Simon with, say, a partly downed pint in t' pub, even the most-committed optimist would have to call the glass half-empty in this case.

Fat Friends may be on the stodgy side but it's a pleasant enough way to spend an hour slumped in front of the telly on a Friday, especially satisfying if you like your drama offering a few laughs, a few tears and always easy to digest.