Michele Hewitson: The mother of all news years

Right, so, if the Mother of the Nation wasn't headhunted and if she didn't threaten to walk, how did she manage to double her already enormous salary? No doubt that is one story we'll never hear on One News but when our Judy retires she'll no doubt be in huge demand as a salary negotiator around the country.

The former clown of the nation, Mr Paul Holmes, reckoned he knew the story and talked on his radio show about how horrid TVNZ had been to poor old MOTN, and wasn't that nice of him? That must have cheered MOTN up no end.

It feels like a triumph for all the little wage earners, doesn't it, when you hear how TVNZ hates MOTN and how they were dragging their heels on her negotiations? Goodness, they were even nasty to Mr Paul Holmes, and what a bloody nerve.

Makes you feel better, doesn't it, to hear that even celebs who earn huge amounts of dosh for getting dressed up every night to read an autocue can be treated badly by the big boys.

Am I outraged that Judy is paid $800,000? I don't think I can work up the energy. Perhaps she deserves it. How much would you want for being known as MOTN, which makes her sound terribly stern and sickly and like Barbara Bush in a frock and girdle.

No, I don't much care who reads the news, as long as they can actually read the news and don't emote with their eyebrows and don't wear clothes they refer to as deconstructed, which means clothes we little people don't understand because we can't afford them.

Perhaps Judy is being paid so much in appreciation of the fact that, despite having read the news every week night for 500 years, she is not a personality.

And Mr Bill Ralston can't be doing with personalities. Why not, you wonder? Is it because with him and Mr Ian Fraser having such very large personalities there's no room for another personality in the building?

I can't remember ever reading anything about MOTN that sticks in the mind. I think she might do some nice charity work from time to time. I interviewed her once about 300 years ago and all I can remember is that she once had to crumple up bits of paper to make crackling noises to accompany an item about a fire.

Oh, and that even back then she was sure she'd get the sack any minute because telly is such a fickle game. She seemed very nice and not a personality at all.

Perhaps there is some free money floating about TVNZ now they appear to have canned those ridiculous ads for One News which had Judy talking about how involved she was in the news process and about how, why, some days they didn't have a lead story in the minutes before going to air!

I wonder why they felt inclined to advertise such a fact. I also wonder if the person who authorised such silliness has been seen from the building thus freeing up dosh for Judy's Xmas.

I wonder a lot of things about the news. Such as why, if they don't want personality-driven news, they had those ads in the first place. And why they have those big billboards and pictures on the backs of buses.

Oh well, the truly excellent thing about TVNZ's news is that it has been excellent for news this year. For that, we here at e.g. send sincere thanks and Christmas greetings.