Linda Herrick: Style criminals abroad

Just as the Brits colonised chunks of the world in past centuries, they continue to spread a new form of international imperialism: the British tourist. You can spot a Pom abroad a mile off - pink, podgy and, as so often seen during the Lions tour, pissed.

What Not to Wear on Holiday, which screens on TV One tonight, refines the horror of the British tourist by honing in on the female of the species and the style crimes committed by two of them.

Mavens Trinny and Susannah specialise in the cruel-to-be-kind game, so they gather a group of 75 devotees of big crusty shorts, and whittle them to a pair of crushed old birds - one who looks like a man, the other whose holiday snaps from last year's classy hols in a caravan in Newquay have drained her confidence. Rightly so.

With holidays looming in Tenerife and Venice respectively, both are terrified of appearing on the beach alongside all those skinny, tanned bitches.

And both are paranoid about their partners looking at all those skinny, tanned bitches. The partners, of course, are fine examples of the great British male - unkempt, hirsute, sporting nice big beer guts.

One even has the temerity to tell Susannah that there's no need for him to make an effort as "it's hard to improve on perfection".

The girls work their magic, as usual, and by the end of what seems like forever, the two made-overs totter proudly around on heels, wearing silly bits of tasselled cloth and cheap sparkly knock-offs.

Getting Brits to look less British on holiday is, I suppose, an admirable aim but it's hardly going to go global. And Trinny and Susannah dressing up a pair of big Brit girls - what's that doing on our primetime viewing?

At this time of year, the programmers are scraping the bottom of the barrel but What Not To Wear has worn out its welcome, like the British Empire.

New Zealanders are great travellers, we keep hearing, but Chris Knox is not.

On Monday night's episode of Intrepid Journeys, the Tall Dwarf of Grey Lynn looked spooked to be in India, away from the wife and kids.

Moaning about the crowds, the noise, the heat, unable to sleep, Knoxy wasn't the most adaptable traveller. As a token gesture he swapped his routine uniform of shorts and shirt for a wrap-around skirt that doubled as a large nappy.

He had a new shirt made, then bummed out because he'd just noticed child labourers at the treadle sewing machines. At the movie house, he confessed that his favourite colour combination was black and cack-yellow.

Where are Trinny and Susannah when you really need them?

Someone whose style we are going to see plenty of soon, with the accompanying women's mags' prattle about wardrobes, hair, makeup and relationships, will be Wendy Petrie, one half of the new One News presenting team, with Simon Dallow.

It's absurd that a news presenter should be subjected to such close personal scrutiny but that's what happens when you're on the telly five nights a week.

One can only imagine that Judy Bailey will be sighing with immense relief as she signs off for good at the end of this week.

She'll be presented with a big bunch of flowers, she'll blink and hold off the tears, and remain poised to the very end. Wouldn't it be great if she looked hard down the camera and hissed, "I'd just like to say to my bosses at TVNZ - get #@#@%#!"

But she has far too much style for that, $800,000 worth of style.