Emily Writes and her A-Z of parenting

Here's a glossary to help you on your journey (I'll only say it once). Photo / Getty Images

This article is an excerpt from Emily's book Is it Bedtime Yet?

When you become a parent it feels like you enter a whole new world and in that world the language is different. You promise yourself you'll tell your child things once (and once only) and then suddenly it's "If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times", "Don't make me say it again!", "What did I say?"and really, "What did I just say?"

Here's a glossary to help you on your journey (I'll only say it once).

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Eye candy when the days have been too long.

ANTENATAL GROUP
Hopefully they'll become your best friends and will hold your hand through this crazy parenting journey.

AOOOOF
If you have a male partner, this is the sound he will make the first time the baby accidentally punches him in the balls.

BATH WATER
Preferred drink of choice for toddlers.

BLACK POO
When you first open a nappy and you're like, what in God's name? That's meconium. You'll be told about it. But you need to see it to believe it.

CAR SEAT
Your baby will view their car seat as either the best place in the world or the worst place in the world. There is no in-between.

CODE BROWN
A child always shits in the public pool. You can only hope it isn't your turn.

COFFEE GROUP
The place where everyone claims their child is sleeping through the night but trust me — their child is not sleeping through the night.

COT
A great place to fill with laundry while your baby sleeps on top of you.

DAY THREE
Three days after delivery you will have a clash of hormones so epic you will likely lose all ability to control your emotions in any way. I became convinced my husband was leaving me because I couldn't work the coffee machine.

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
"I DO IT!"

FLOOR FOOD
Nine toddlers out of 10 prefer "floor food", the breakfast of champions.

FOURNADO
The level of destruction a 4-year-old can do in five minutes while your back is turned is a sight to behold. This is called a fournado.

"GENTLE HANDS!"
Repeated six to 976,473 times a day for a year while your baby learns not to pull your hair/pull the cat's tail/punch their sibling in the face.

GRANDMA'S HOUSE
Heaven.

HAIRY MACLARY
The Sacred Texts.

HOT COFFEE
Now you have cold coffee.

INSTAGRAM
Your house will never be as clean as hers. And she's not that happy.

NIPPLES
Will become the size of dinner plates and handle the most intense pain imaginable.

PANTS
Your child will go through a stage where they see pants as a cruel and unusual punishment.

PELVIC FLOOR
You used to have one.

PEPPA PIG
Your co-parent.

POONAMI
Usually babies make sure poonamis happen in public or as soon as you get in the car. They'll likely involve poo from ankle to neck, and will coincide with you forgetting wipes.

SHOES
For some reason your child will see shoes as torture devices.

SLEEP
That thing you once had.

STOP!
What you'll yell as your child makes a run for it in the public toilet when you're mid-pee.

THE SECOND NIGHT
The first night you feel smug because your baby has only woken up to blink at you and gaze adoringly at you. The second night they will likely realise they're not in a nice, warm place and they will loudly, ear-piercingly protest this fact. You can't put them back in.

THREENAGER
When you think: "Why do they call them terrible twos? They weren't that bad." And then your child turns 3 and says NO to everything.

WHISPER FIGHTING
When you need to yell at your partner but you can't wake the baby.

WIPES
The things you need most in your nappy bag that you will keep forgetting to put in your nappy bag.