Singles aren't having all the fun in the bedroom, according to the results of a new study. Photo / Getty Images
Singles aren't having all the fun in the bedroom, according to the results of a new study. Photo / Getty Images
It is a commonly held belief that free-and-easy singles have the upper hand over long-term couples when it comes to sexual satisfaction. This notion is now under the spotlight however, according to the results of new survey into whether single or partnered people are more satisfied under the sheets.
Accordingto a Norwegian study published earlier this year that examined the sexual satisfaction of single adults versus partnered ones, the single life that praises one-night stands and casual sex is not as gratifying as it may seem.
The results showed that those in relationships were more likely to be sexually satisfied than their single peers. Good Vibes Clinic sex and relationships therapist Selina Nguyen does not find it surprising.
“When we find ourselves in long-term relationships, it’s really common for us to romanticise the dating experience and hold it up as this really wonderful time in our lives when we were free and everything was super exciting,” Nguyen explained in an interview with news.com.au. “But I feel like we forget how hard and how terrible dating and hook-ups can be.”
The researchers examined the sex lives of 4160 people between the ages of 18 and 89 to paint a picture of how they looked (yes, you can still get down as you get older), and the discrepancies in the results were telling.
More than half (56 per cent) of partnered men said that they were sexually satisfied compared to a meagre 27 per cent of single men.
On the flip side, 46 per cent of single men had shared that they were dissatisfied in the bedroom while only 24 per cent of those in relationships found themselves dissatisfied.
These numbers were even more pronounced for women. A massive 64 per cent of partnered women were sexually satisfied compared to just 25 per cent of single women.
Only 18 per cent of females in relationships were dissatisfied in bed, compared to 34 per cent of those who were single.
So what may be influencing this?
Who's on top, single people or those in a relationship? Photo / 123RF
Relationship intimacy
Nguyen explains that the security, backing, and gratification that you feel when part of a healthy and loving relationship is essential for a satisfying sex life. Although relationships may seem quite bland compared to a new hook-up, their stability creates an environment that allows people to feel able to explore themselves and open to trying new experiences.
The Sydney-based sex therapist explains why: “In relationships, we generally have the time, space, consistency and commitment to work on a better sex life and the safety and encouragement to talk about our fantasies or desires and to actually explore them as well.”
Bobbie-Ann Pouton, a 33-year-old from Newcastle, NSW, explains how her sex life has changed as she and her partner’s relationship has deepened over the six years that they’ve been together.
“When we first met, it was that lustrous, high octane, wild chemistry, addictive sex and then it slowed down slightly,” Pouton said to news.com.au. “Now we’re in a period where we feel so safe and so secure and we really have fun because there’s so much trust and intimacy in the connection that we have as a couple.
“We’ve grown and matured and we’re able to ask more of each other and feel safer in our own desires and kinks.”
Pouton said it was like “comparing lemons to oranges” when she reflected on her sex life as a single.
“My single life definitely could be seen as more sexual and erotic at first, but in reality it wasn’t as fun because it was hot-wired, and 99 per cent of the time it would be drug or alcohol induced or in some way, shape or form, not my fully authentic self,” she noted.
“Whereas now I get to have sex with my partner and it’s up to us to make it fun, it’s up to us to have hot date nights and it’s up to us to play with role-playing and make things exciting if we want that.
“But also it’s okay to just understand that sex is going to be different sometimes.”
Single life promotes the unfamiliar
According to Nguyen, the real difficulty for single people - particularly women - is that they must start everything sex-related from the beginning for every sexual encounter they have with a new person.
“So you’re trying to navigate communication concerns, sexual desires and sexual health all at once,” she said.
Singles have to start from the beginning every time they have a sexual encounter with someone new. Source / PhotoAlto
“And that’s on top of trying to figure out whether or not you like this person, whether or not they like you and whether or not you’re on the same page about what this means. And you’re managing all of these questions at once.”
This can affect an individual’s performance in bed, she said, as figuring out the answers to these questions distracts them from enjoying what is happening in the moment.
“There’s also a very common understanding that the first time you have sex with someone, it’s not going to go amazingly or be mind-blowing because you’re learning about each other’s bodies in this new experience, and it can take time to get good.”
However, freshly single Shelby Lowe’s experiences differ from the survey’s understanding of sexual satisfaction. She claims her sex life is better than ever after leaving a year-long relationship during which sex went “very downhill” after she moved in with her ex.
“I felt like I had no time away from him to build up the anticipation of being sexual like I had before,” the 19-year-old woman from East Gippsland, Victoria, explained to news.com.au.
“My sex drive never seemed to match up to his own and he would consistently try to initiate sex at moments I was either clearly busy or just very much not in the mood.”
Although her sex drive has entered “full swing” since the two parted ways, originally it “seemed to fizzle exponentially fast” when she lived with her partner.
“Now my sex life has genuinely become so vibrant and fulfilling. I learnt so much from the relationship but I’ve never been so satisfied,” she explained.
“I’ve been seeing a few people casually and I feel like the pressure of not being with the person emotionally has let me express myself sexually so much more. I’m honest about what feels good and what doesn’t which in a relationship I would feel pretty guilty saying to my partner.”
Nguyen emphasised that for couples, being clear about what you want out of sex and doing some self-reflection on the matter is critical for making changes.
“We often put it under this big umbrella of, ‘I want it to be more fun, more spontaneous, more exciting’, but that’s incredibly vague and doesn’t give a lot of directions for us to build from or in telling our partner what we want,” she highlighted.
The sex therapist encouraged people to unpack that more.
“When we say fun and spontaneous, what do we actually mean by that? What would be different about the sex that we’re having that would make it more fun and spontaneous?” Nguyen asked.
This means sitting down with your partner and creating a plan of action. This could include looking at new things to try, new classes to take, new books to read, and new toys you can introduce to bring some flare to the bedroom.
The same advice is given to single people looking to boost their sexual satisfaction.
“The reality is, you get out of a sexual experience what you’re willing to put into it,” Nguyen said. “So it’s important that we take responsibility for that self-reflection of, what are my wants, needs and desires, and what is the sexual experience I want to co-create and what would that look like?”
