Beware shows that market themselves as social experiments. The idea this season is to see how many clowns you can fit into a mini or, in this case, how many dropkicks, when it comes to grooms, can be shoehorned into one social experiment. There’s Harrison. Having your girlfriend help you pack before your MAFS marriage seems to be against the spirit of the thing. His bride, beauty business owner Bronte, after firing off her quota of tears and tanties, is prepared to overlook all Harrison’s trespasses – they are legion - to remain on the show. He doesn’t bother pretending to be a nice guy looking for love. He hasn’t got the acting range. See his solo performance the time Bronte couldn’t attend the couples-on-the-couch interrogation session because she was unwell. Harrison tried to act concerned. “I’m not a voice for endo-demetriosis [sic] or a woman’s biology,” he wept unconvincingly, to eye-rolls all around. “I haven’t gone to the gym today,” noted Harrison. “That’s the kind of person I am.”
Russell Brand lookalike Jesse, allergic to star signs, crystals, etc is matched with new-agey Claire, who is soon cleansing his energy with burning sage. Despite their matching tattoos and clicking jaws, Jesse treats Claire horribly, laughing at her, mimicking her and shushing her. She seeks comfort by kissing another husband. Because this is high school or some influencer-infested cult, Claire is shunned and publicly shamed as a cheater. Everyone instantly forgets what a toe-rag Jesse has been for ages and he becomes this season’s brooding tragic hero.
Some of the women, though. There’s Tayla, whose life’s work is to make sure husband Hugo never forgets he’s not “a man’s man” and that he will never be allowed to sleep in a bed. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she explains kindly, “but I’m not going to take them into account.”
It’s all fun and games until someone gets wounded. The appalling Shannon and his sweet match Caitlin are long gone but his attacking of her appearance – by any reckonings gorgeous – was vile. If she had “blown him away” when she walked down the aisle, he lectured her, he wouldn’t have kept pining over his ex. It was all Caitlin’s fault.
Dan, initially one of the nice ones, turns on Sandy because she doesn’t spend six hours a day at the gym or something. She joined the “experiment” against her parents’ wishes. Her distress looks real. No one is that good an actor. The drama may rate well. It’s painful to watch.
You may not learn much about love, loyalty or endometriosis on this show but every relationship red flag is gruellingly waved to the point that even the experts are lost for words. It’s an education, of sorts, though there’s not enough burning sage in the world to cleanse this sort of energy.
