Dear Richard Madeley: ‘I’m grieving for my ex who died but my biological clock is ticking’

"The dating game seems quite cut-throat and I’m already vulnerable". Photo / 123RF

Dear Richard,

Early last year, I walked away from a long relationship with a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He struggled with addiction and refused to get help, so for the sake of my own future, I left. He started to turn things around but unfortunately he died a few months later.

I’m still mourning, but I can feel the clock ticking. I’m in my late 30s and feel I ought to ‘get back out there’, but I’m terrified of dating: of having to have the conversation about why I’m single with a stranger when it’s a very upsetting tale. I worry that the first time there is any hint of deep intimacy, it will trigger all my grief and I’ll break down.

I also think my experiences with my late boyfriend, culminating in a complicated bereavement, set me apart from others my age. It feels like the only way forward is to try, but the dating game seems quite cut-throat and I’m already vulnerable.

I have no single friends, or friends who could set me up, so online dating seems the only path. The idea makes my skin crawl, but I want to have a child before it’s too late. How do I even begin?

— Laura, via telegraph.co.uk

Dear Laura,

Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss – and I appreciate that it will have left you with ambivalent feelings, and a potent mixture of hopes and fears for the future. But I don’t think that should make you dismiss the prospect of online dating.

There are plenty of “respectable” dating websites – even The Telegraph has one. And dates needn’t be any more serious than you want or can face.

There’s nothing forcing you to open up about your last relationship. You can keep that private until and unless you’re ready to talk about it. A first, second, even a third date is just that – a date. You’re going out for a drink, meal, to see a film – you’re not entering the confessional.

Of course there are no guarantees, but neither are there in chance encounters in bars or checkout queues or even at the office. You have to be prepared to take the plunge, Laura; make a leap of faith. And if it’s obvious a first date isn’t working out, there’s nothing to stop you getting an early taxi home, is there?

I think because your last relationship was so fraught, and because you feel you’re “on the clock” in terms of having a baby, you’re taking this whole scenario way too seriously.

If you were my friend, I’d encourage you to relax a little or, in that ghastly transatlantic expression, “lighten up”. You’ve got more time than you think – so take it.

Browse the better-reviewed dating websites. Get familiar with the language they use. Then, when you’re ready, post a message. There’s someone out there for you, Laura. You’ll find them – or maybe they’ll find you. They might be looking for you already. Good luck.