Dear Jane podcast: Jane’s traumatic early-teen church experience and the scars it left

Dear Jane, a five-part podcast written and produced by Noelle McCarthy, explores Jane’s* experience of what she believed as a teenager to be a loving relationship in an Auckland church community during the 1990s. It was a sexual relationship with a man who was not only 10 years her senior, but also her youth group leader. In an essay for Canvas, Jane describes a traumatic early-teen experience and the scars it left. And why she decided to share her story.

When I was 13 I entered a relationship with a man in his mid-20s. He was funny, charming, kind. He was also my youth group leader. Within a year the relationship became sexual and a fog of guilt and shame settled over my teenage years.

As time went on, our relationship became known to our families and the church community. People were concerned about us dating and some tried to make him see sense, but we were determined to be together. What no one imagined was the extent of the relationship, given how big a sin pre-marital sex was in the eyes of the church, and how vocally devout this man was about his faith. That remained our secret.

I became distant from family and friends. I made this man my whole world. I followed his instructions to wear modest clothing, refrain from shopping on Sundays and to not listen to secular music.

Four years after he first confessed his feelings for me, I confessed I no longer had feelings for him. The relationship ended just before my 18th birthday. I stopped going to church and packed away everything that reminded me of him, including my memories. I didn’t go near it all for decades.

In the years that followed I went through a string of troubled relationships and serious mental health crises. As I hit my 30s, things began to settle down. I had a great job, a lovely little house and started a family. But there was always something nagging in the background. Something telling me I was rotten to the core and didn’t deserve good things.

In my mid-30s I came across an article that detailed the stories of a group of women who had faced a power imbalance in their teens. One recounted the guilt and shame she felt for years. But she had finally come to realise what happened to her wasn’t her fault.

As I read, I nodded my head. Of course it wasn’t her fault. It so obviously wasn’t her fault. Like a bolt from the blue, those words gave me permission to explore a new possibility.

If what happened to her wasn’t her fault, then maybe what happened to me wasn’t my fault either?

I began a journey that would see me grappling with the complexities of my experience and why I felt so complicit. It wasn’t easy to accept I was a victim and that my teenage years had been effectively stolen from me, but it hadn’t been easy feeling culpable for my trauma either. Recognising I was a victim has been the key to my healing process.

Since I first read that article, many more stories have come out thanks to brave survivors finding their voice. With each one the noise of my guilt and shame became quieter while my determination to control my own narrative became louder.

I feel lucky to have reached a point where I can face my demons head on and know they’re not of my creation, but my heart breaks for those who I know still blame themselves for trauma that was inflicted upon them.

Reading the relatable words of others was a turning point for me, and it made me think how much power there could be in not just reading about an experience like mine, but in hearing it. If my voice can speak for others and help them feel less alone, then I’ll use that voice.

I also want families of young people to know that often those doing harm are hiding in plain sight. They can be caring, charismatic and seem unquestionably trustworthy. I hope Dear Jane can help those people understand what to look out for.

I want this podcast to live on, too, as a resource for churches and other institutions who have young people in their care. They need to be aware of historical harm that may have occurred under their watch, as well as ensuring there are meaningful policies in place to protect the current generation of youth.

I can’t change what happened to me as a teenager, but I really hope in making this series I can offer a glimmer of light for others. People who are privately dealing with the long tail of murky boundaries from their youth. People who still carry the burden of trauma they should never have suffered. For all the other Janes who don’t yet realise: it wasn’t your fault.

Dear Jane is available Monday on all podcast platforms

* Not her real name.