Dating Diaries: You, me and social media - the third wheel ruining your relationship

Lillie Rohan asks if social media is the toxic third wheel in relationships. Photo / Getty Images

Have you ever wondered if social media is the toxic third wheel in your relationship? Me too.

Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat are often considered catalysts for jealousy and insecurities. They lead to fights, overthinking and asking questions we aren't sure we want the answers to.

In past relationships, I've daydreamed about how different things could be if we lived in a time where cellphones were shaped like a brick and their most attention grasping detail was a game of Snake. I've wondered if a relationship would be easier if we made a pact to stop worrying about our virtual connection and instead enjoy the simplicities of our real-life connection.

So I took to Instagram and asked my friends if they felt social media negatively impacted their relationships. Did they feel those same pangs of jealousy when their partner liked a suspiciously attractive image? Did their confidence also drop when their partner never shared an image of them on their social media? And what would happen if we took social media away entirely and just enjoyed what we had without the insecurities the platforms can cause?

More than 80 per cent of people who contributed to the poll felt their relationship was negatively impacted by social media, while a further 64 per cent felt their relationship benefited from no social media.

One woman shared her experience of a toxic relationship and how social media, while a tool for connecting with others, ended up as a way for her ex to isolate her from friends:

"My ex never allowed me to follow people, would keep tabs on who follows me and vice versa. He would always go through my messages, but I couldn't do the same to him – turns out he had cheated."

She continued: "I wasn't allowed to post pictures of my body or if I posed in a picture, he would ask why I'm trying to look hot."

Women shared their stories of how certain social media behaviours led to them feeling like they weren't appreciated by their partners or were being hidden. One told me, "they tag all their friends in their stories when they are with them but won't tag me when they make a story and I'm in it/at the event".

Meanwhile, another said they felt like there is a standard that relationships need to be shared on social media.

And it seemed the negative feelings didn't come from posting behaviours only, it also included the media their partner was consuming. A common theme in the replies I received from women was them feeling they had to look a certain way or dress in a particular style according to the pictures of models, influencers and other women that their partner was double-tapping.

Insecurities they never had before were suddenly rearing their ugly heads as they competed for their partner's attention with perfectly posed, tanned and airbrushed women.

Men also joined in the conversation.

One said their relationship was negatively impacted because of "comparing your social media behaviours and expectations to theirs and getting defensive".

He later added that another consequence of social media on past or present relationships is "getting baited by someone deliberately posting things knowing you will see to get a reaction".

One male said they deleted their social media accounts when they started dating a new partner because they knew how negatively the accounts impacted his past relationships.

Based on the mountains of feedback I received from one seemingly simple question, it appears most people, whether in relationships, situationships or the starting out phase of their dating life, will at some time or another experience a negative situation in their relationship because of social media.

Which begs the question: if we cut people out of lives for being toxic, why to we find it so hard to do the same with social media?