OPINION:
If the name Michael Fawcett doesn't mean anything to you then you are not a) Prince Charles, b) Fawcett's wife or c) a British royal reporter.
This week, Fawcett, a longtime staffer and close aide to Charles, has been firmly lodged in the headlines after the Times alleged Fawcett had "fixed" a CBE honour for Mahfouz Marei Mubarak bin Mahfouz after the Saudi tycoon donated more than $2.7 million to royal charities.
Since the news broke, British anti-monarchy group Republic and former MP Norman Baker have both complained about Charles to the police for potentially violating the Honours (Prevention of Abuses) Act 1925.
(If you are keeping count, that would now be two of the Queen's sons who have entered the orbit of law enforcement after Metropolitan Police Commissioner Cressida Dick commented on Prince Andrew last month that "no one is above the law".)
On Sunday, Fawcett temporarily stepped down from his role as chief executive of the Charles' charity, the Prince's Foundation, and since then the royal's former toothpaste squeezer-in-chief has remained firmly tight-lipped despite having a good portion of Fleet St camped out on his doorstep.
Fawcett is no stranger to finding himself on the outs with the palace. He was first employed as a Buckingham Palace footman in 1981 before going on to work for the Prince of Wales, who once said of him, "I can manage without just about anyone except Michael."
In 1998, Fawcett was forced to leave Charles' employ over bullying allegations. Later reinstated, he resigned in 2003 after mismanagement was identified in the royal household. (Fawcett was cleared of any wrongdoing.)
In 2018, he was appointed to his Foundation role.
Yesterday, the Prince of Wales took the highly unusual step of issuing a statement, with a Clarence House spokesperson saying: "The Prince of Wales has no knowledge of the alleged offer of honours or British citizenship on the basis of donation to his charities."
Now, while Charles might have more than a little egg on his face here and Fawcett might have his days free all of a sudden, the person who could end up bearing the brunt of this mucky situation is Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge.
Let me explain.
For the better part of two years now, coverage of the royal family has involved more talk of feuds, rifts and bad blood out of the palace than in all nine original seasons of Dynasty combined. During that time, the public attention has remained focused on (if not addicted to) the binge-worthy Windsor soap opera which has swamped from public view whatever else they have been up to. (In short: Some pretty great charity stuff.)
More than 20 months after Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, sensationally quit royal life so they could make podcasts and learn when is bin night in Montecito, the royal family are yet to truly get back on an even keel.
Which is to say, they are still playing reputational catch-up.
And now comes this week's cash-for-honours allegations, which are not just another crisis-du-jour but which go to the very heart of what sort of leader Charles might be when he ascends the throne.
If we are to take his statement at face value and that he was in the dark about Fawcett's alleged actions, then the best we can say about him is that he is woefully out-of-touch with the things that are allegedly being done in his name.
It has taken decades for the Prince to repair his image after the catastrophic 90s, which left his public image in tatters and with him widely viewed as a jug-eared tampon-fancier who was in a hot contest to take out the title of world's worst husband. Since then, rebuilding trust in, and support for, him has literally been his life's work.
More recently, Clarence House has been assiduously focused on positioning the 72-year-old as the eco-conscious, Dalai Lama-loving, organic-first king-to-be the British never knew they wanted.
All of that is now at stake, with this cash-for-honours scandal potentially undermining whatever faith and trust the Prince has banked in recent years.
So, who will The Firm call in for some emergency damage control? Who will they tap to stand front and centre and to remind Britain why they continue to acquiesce to this whole monarchy business?
Enter stage left, Kate.
(I'd like to imagine that somewhere tucked away on the Buckingham Palace roof they have some sort of regal bat signal that Her Majesty uses to signal Kate. Quick, get out a sensible, mid-priced floral dress! Your Queen and country need you!)
Over the past decade, the 39-year-old has become the royal family's MVP; the crowd-pulling, audience-pleasing all-star.
The pressure on her, and husband Prince William, to help the monarchy weather this latest storm seems inevitable because there are a couple of factors at play here.
Firstly, there is the blunt reality that there is no one else. William's uncle Prince Andrew was forced to quit working royal life in disgrace; his brother and sister-in-law, Harry and Meghan, are busy off Zooming with LA celebrities and dodging the paparazzi, and now his father finds himself mired in hot water. Again.
Of the HRHs left in the working ranks, Princess Anne might be widely respected but her steely attitude and equally steely hairdo aren't going to soften any hearts to the royal cause. Meanwhile, Edward and Sophie, the Earl and Countess of Wessex, might be laudable triers but most people would struggle to pick the duo out of a line-up of Volvo drivers.
When it comes to the Cambridges, there is simply no one else.
Next up, there is a big-picture, future-of-the-monarchy reason why the palace, if it is savvy, will deploy Kate post haste.
Not only is she adored by her future subjects, and thus an excellent means of distraction every time she pops up on newspaper front pages or social media with her signature bright grin dialled up to megawatts, but every time she appears in the public eye it serves as a reminder to Britons, and the Commonwealth, about what is coming down the monarchical pike.
That is, while Charles might be the questionably palatable regal entree here, so to speak, if we stick things out then there is the much more exciting main course of the Cambridges as King and Queen Consort to come.
If the pressure on Kate to help prop up support for the palace was high before, this Charles imbroglio has essentially dialled things up to 11. (We're all Spinal Tap fans here right?)
With the Cambridges back in London and getting set to start the year after their summer holidays, what is crystal clear is that they are going to have their work cut out for them.
Here's hoping the palace bat signal is plugged in because chances are, with Harry writing his autobiography, Prince Andrew being sued in the US for alleged sexual assault and this Fawcett situation far from over, the royal family are going to need it.
Not all heroes wear capes but when it comes to royal ones, they certainly love a nude wedge heel.
A live cook-off featured ox heart, wapiti, wild boar and plenty of edible wildlife.