OPINION:
Meet Eliza Lopes. You most likely have no idea who she is and why would you? In all honesty, even the most devoted Tatler reader would struggle to pick her out of a line-up of well-bred British teenage gels who have been brought up on a steady diet of cottage pie, hunt meetings and brill skiing hols in Courchevel.
But it’s time to learn Eliza’s name, along with those of her twin brothers, Louis and Gus, 13, and their cousins, Lola and Freddy Parker Bowles, 15 and 13 years old respectively, because come May 6, they will become the most famous teenagers in the world, catapulted to global fame for probably the rest of their lives.
Over the weekend, the Sunday Times revealed that Queen Camilla has decided that her five grandchildren, the children of her son, Tom, and daughter, Laura, will play a starring, official role in her and husband King Charles’ fast-approaching coronation.
(Until now the five have been largely shielded from public attention and few photos exist of them, let alone recent ones.)
Behold! Never before will such an august occasion, which dates back to the 11th century, come with top notes of medicated acne cream, Lynx Africa and Asos, with this gaggle of teens set to hold the canopy over the Queen while she is anointed with holy oil, the most sacred part of the whole ceremony.
Hang on. Did anyone hear something? Like a wonky, home-thrown, handpainted mug full of nettle tea hitting a kitchen floor in Montecito?
Poor Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex and Master of the Second Row.
Today it’s looking like if he and wife Meghan, Duchess of Sussex point their rented private jet for London come May to attend Charles and Camilla’s coronation, they could be in for an even rougher trot than previously thought.
Harry might be the King’s son and fifth in line to the throne but now, having turned his litany of family grievances into a highly lucrative one-man cottage industry, on coronation day he looks set to play much the same role as one of Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie’s artfully perched chapeaus – ornamental and nothing more.
Now, with this latest news, the Duke faces only an arctic reception by his family, an arctic reception by Fleet Street and an arctic reception by a British people about as keen on he and Meghan as tray of flaccid vegan sausage rolls, but the Sussexes will now have to watch on as Camilla’s family steal the limelight, a nation’s hearts and millions if not billions of clicks and likes.
Never will Aitch’s self-inflicted exile to the very outer limits of the royal orbit more keenly come into focus than when all those teenagers gather around the woman they call GaGa, trying not to drop a hand-sewn canopy, while the Duke and Duchess are stuck in a pew staring at the back of 15-year-old James, Viscount Severn’s head. (As was the seating arrangement during last year’s Platinum Jubilee service of thanksgiving at St Paul’s.)
So far the Sussexes’ pouty media forays of the last few months have managed to achieve precisely nothing when it comes to his family.
Rather than the Windsors being brought regretfully to heel, instead Charles & co. have sailed forth, ignoring the yapping at their heels, seemingly too busy planning the coronation and installing low-flow green toilets inside Buckingham Palace. (OK the last one is just a guess.)
The news out of London just keeps getting worse and worse for a man who bravely taught the world about the horrors of genital frostbite and exactly where to never rub face cream.
First came the claim Harry has been essentially cut from playing any role in the coronation.
In January, it was reported that Charles has done away with the part of the ceremony where royal Dukes traditionally pay homage to the monarch, thus neatly excising his son and brother Prince Andrew from having anything officially to do with proceedings.
(If I was the King, I’d currently be adding hulking pillars to certain spots inside Westminster Abbey, all the better to conveniently stow Andrew behind.)
While he might be left out of things, plenty of people who seem unlikely to be high on the Sussexes’ non-denominational holiday card list will play central roles.
If Harry and Meghan do go, he will have to sit in a pew, sans any formal part of things, and watch on as his “arch nemesis” Prince William, as Aitch described his brother in recent his tell-all Spare, enjoy being a prominent part of the day given he is the Prince of Wales.
Not only that but, according to this weekend’s Times story, a “significant role” is being discussed for the world’s most famous 9-year-old, Prince George.
Meanwhile, there has been not a single whisper or skerrick of movement when it comes to formally enshrining Harry and Meghan’s young children, Archie, 3, and Lili, 1, as a Prince and Princess, as they technically should be right now.
Nor will the Duke be getting the private “sorry” he has been hankering for from his father or brother, according to a separate Times report.
A source close to the royal family told Valentine Low that while the Sussexes will be invited to the coronation, it won’t be “wrapped in an apologetic bow. It will be, ‘Here is an invitation. Let us know if you are coming.’”
So in summation: While Harry and his family face being left out of things for the coronation, his Pa and sibling have refused to bow to his demand they admit they were in the wrong, while the family of Camilla, the woman that Harry said “left bodies in the street” in Spare, will likely melt hearts and social media algorithms.
(What’s that? Netflix is wondering if anyone has Eliza Lopes’ private Instagram account to DM her?)
Harry now faces the prospect of having to watch as his brother, nephew, and his step-nieces and nephews make history in front of a global TV audience, possibly in the billions, while he is left on the sidelines to do some trademark glowering and silently repeat his mantra.
The symbolism of all this could not be more painfully acute or obvious; Harry’s irrelevance to the monarchy never more exquisitely communicated.
The decision to include Eliza, Lola, Freddy, Louis and Gus is a truly big deal, a highly surprising break with tradition that is only of a slightly lesser magnitude than Camila deciding to wear Ginger Spice’s Union Jack corset for the big day. (Does Geri know how to get shiraz out of red, white and blue satin?)
The Queen’s grandchildren will be a part of the anointing, the most sacred bit of the two-hour-long ceremony and never before witnessed by leering TV lenses or the public.
Also, this is a coronation we are talking about, not some sort of blended wedding with a celebrant making different sets of kids simultaneously light a scented candle or do a joint Rumi reading.
That Charles and Camilla are willing to stuff around with this, a ceremony that dates back to the Norman invasion, to send out a message of unity and togetherness says everything and none of it is anything, I’m guessing, that Harry would much want to hear.
As Sister Sledge sings, they are about to “give love in a family dose”.
The funny thing about being King or Queen: You still can’t choose your loved ones, but you do get to have plenty of say over who gets to make history by your side.
·Daniela Elser is a writer and a royal commentator with more than 15 years’ experience working with a number of Australia’s leading media titles.
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