Daniel Toresen: The five simple steps to stopping stalkers in their tracks

If the stalker begins making any threats towards you, call the police on 111. Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion

The headlines sometimes make harrowing reading. Murder at the hands of a former partner strikes at the very core of our psyche. Cases of inattention to the warning signs of a dangerous stalker really hammer home the need for serious changes in how authorities view obsessive ex-partners.

The potential for a critical incident after a breach of a court order is frequently reported by media.

Stalking is often subtle, yet quite pervasive. In fact, the stalker relies on their victim feeling as if their actions are normal demonstrations of affection.

Some warning signs you have a stalker could be:

1. You start getting phone calls from your ex - lots of them.

2. You see them lurking around your street or your work or following you.

3. You receive inappropriate gifts.

4. Defamation of your character or insults.

5. Numerous unwanted emails or letters.

6. Threatened with violence.

7. Manipulation such as threats against themselves, requiring you to intervene. They may threaten suicide, or to harm another person if you do not return their affections; and

8. Acting in any way to make you fear for your safety.

The Harassment Act defines harassment as a pattern of behaviour within a 12-month period, directed at someone that makes them feel distressed or unsafe.

So what is my advice on how to deal with stalkers?

Contact the police
If the stalker begins making any threats towards you, call the police on 111. No one can predict the extremes a stalker will go to, so it is better to be safe than sorry.

Speak out
Tell everyone you know what's going on. Sometimes the antagonist wants to isolate you. Don't let them win.

Break all communication
Don't allow yourself to entertain the stalker by conversing with them. Be firm that you want nothing to do with them.

Keep a record
Save and record everything written or said by the stalker. If you go to the police or need legal advice, the more evidence you have of the threats and behaviour, the more likely they will be held accountable.

Consider obtaining a Restraining Order or a Protection Order
If the person harassing you is someone you are, or have previously been, in a domestic relationship with, you should consider a Protection Order. This is a critical step to put in place and although it's true to say that these are only a "piece of paper" they do formalise the genesis of a serious problem. Therefore, a breach of a protection order is a clear warning sign of something sinister on the horizon.

The Protection Order has non-violence conditions that say the abuser must not physically or psychologically abuse or threaten to abuse anyone protected by the order, damage or threaten to damage your property, or encourage anyone else to abuse or threaten you.

If you are not, or have not ever been, in a domestic relationship with the person that is harassing you, then consider a Restraining Order to prevent that person contacting you in the future.

Help online

For more information visit the following websites:

Women's Refuge

Police Information about protection orders

• Daniel Toresen of Thompson and Toresen Investigations is one of New Zealand's most experienced private investigators.