Confessions of a hostie

A former Air NZ air hostess says working in the air is not all glitz and glamour. Photo / Dean Purcell

So you think the job of an international air hostess is all glitz and glam and makeovers by fashionista Gok Wan? Think again, says one former Air New Zealand trolley dolly.

A few months ago, Air New Zealand hired Gok Wan to provide some tips to long-haul travellers about "looking and feeling fabulous from check-in to landing".

"You can step off the plane looking pulled together, gorgeous and ready for anything," he said.

Ha. He doesn't know the half of it. He should spend time in the economy class galley, when everyone wants to stretch their legs at the same time.

The Times of London said it best: "Would love to see a picture of him after 26 hours by the loos on the back row of economy from Auckland and see how ab fab he looks then."

It's all very well having celebs - and we've had a few of them, from Sharon Osbourne to Posh and Becks - but they don't exactly know how the other half lives.

There was one Brit popstar (I'll let her remain nameless) who was known for her, ahem, controlled eating habits. So at dinner she barely touched a thing. Then, as soon as her child and nanny were asleep, it was up to the business class galley. "Could I have some ice cream?" she asks. So she devours four bowls of the stuff - then goes and purges in the toilet. And guess who had to clean up in there after her?

We try to remain well-presented and friendly - the glamorous trolley dollies you demand - despite seeing some pretty revolting things. There was a man in a window seat who returned from the loo with the soiled toilet-paper hanging out of his trousers - and squeezed past the other passengers to get to his seat.

If anyone knows how to hold it together from one side of the world to the other, it's the international hosties at Air New Zealand. But there's a few of you who don't make it easy for us. So, here are a few suggestions, meant in the nicest possible way:

There's an old saying, "you pack it, you rack it". Yes, I might be there to help you put your bag into an overhead locker. But not at the expense of my own back! If you've stowed so many bottles of duty-free booze into your carry-on that you struggle to carry it down the aisle, I'm going to think very hard before I risk my own health and safety by helping you lift that bag.

The same with bags you leave under the seat in front of you, which spill out into the aisle as you shuffle to get comfortable. At 4am, while I am serving glasses of water in the dark, I don't want to trip and fall over in front of 250 people because you left the strap out of your bag.

I know that economy seat can be tight. But treat the aircraft with respect. I extend my hospitality and am happy to get you whatever you need, but don't put your stinky feet on the walls.

The galley is a busy spot. Hundreds of hot meals are loaded, bar carts are re-stocked so you can eat, drink and be merry. It's not a public thoroughfare, and it makes things really challenging if you decide while on your hourly walk (to avoid that deep vein thrombosis) that you need to "slip down the side" of the galley to get past.

In that busy galley, your meal is prepared. I'm sorry if you don't get your first choice, and understand that the lamb is probably more tempting than the fish. But really, is it the end of the world? Screaming and yelling about the situation only makes you look foolish, and me less likely to want to fix the situation. If you approach it politely, you would be surprised what can appear from business class.

Our meal is the same as yours. You can imagine how unappealing that lamb or fish begins to look. That's why we bring our own treats. Especially at 2am when it's challenging to stay awake, that chocolate can be a godsend. And it's ours! If we leave it in the galley, it's in our area. So please, don't help yourself to my chocolate, hand cream, or lipstick that I may have left out to keep it handy to use.

I have a badge carrying my name, and am very happy for you to call me by it. So please don't touch any part of me. You wouldn't touch the staff in a bar, a bank or the supermarket so I know you can avoid touching me. Don't be shy of the call bell either, I'm happy if you touch that to get my attention.

That call bell is really useful. But one thing: don't show your 4-year-old old child what it does. I might start to get pretty frustrated if it's rung continually for no reason.

In turbulence, there is a reason we ask you to return to your seat and fasten your seat belt. It's called safety, and is a huge part of our job.

Seatbelts will protect you only from air turbulence - not from the turbulence of personal relationships. There were a man and woman - both married - who ended up sharing a lie-flat business class seat. Then, when we were coming in to land, he announced that his wife was waiting to meet him. Well, this woman just lost it - tears and recriminations.

So, make a mess of your drink or inflight meal, and I'll do my best to help. Make a mess of your life? You're on your own then.

* Gok Wan's long-haul tips

Hi, I'm Gok Wan - celebrity fashion stylist and TV presenter. Welcome to my inflight style guide - guaranteed to keep you gorgeous from take-off to landing. Whether you're flying for business or taking a holiday, no one likes leaving the plane with clothes creased, big hair and skin as dry as the nuts you ate when you first boarded.

Handy tip

Exposure to air-conditioning can dry out your skin. Pack a rich hand cream with Vitamins A, C and D which will replace moisture instantly. Use it on your feet and elbows too.

All change

A lightweight tracksuit is ideal for the plane and ladies, a pashmina is great for snuggling down.

Layer

Layering is easy: the key is to use block colours for simplicity and make sure your top layer is easy to remove.

Hair style

Guys: to avoid looking like Russell Brand on a bad hair day, don't put product in your hair before the flight. Just before landing nip to the loo and style away.

- Courtesy of Air New Zealand