Comment: I drank 'Slimmer's Tea' instead of going to the gym. The results were horrifying

In life, there are no short cuts. Photo / 123RF

As five slimming teas are recalled in New Zealand, Chris Marriner reveals why he wishes he'd spilled his cup down the sink.

It's time to spill the tea and I wish that I had sooner.

I wish I had spilled it all into the sink and down the drain before I made the fateful decision to raise cup to lip and drink a now-banned Healtheries Slimmer's Tea.

That one decision to try and cheat nature had a horrifying consequence - and it's only right that my experience serves as a warning.

I had a big Christmas. Big ham. Big turkey. Big pav.

Small Scorched Almonds, but so, so many.

Molten rivers of chocolate coursed through my veins all through the festive season.

The New Year saw me attempt a fresh start and a chance encounter with a box of tea in the work kitchen appeared to provide a golden opportunity.

It read: "Naturally Slim".

I was immediately drawn in.

I've never been a slimmer, as such, but knocking on the door of 40 and struggling to get to the gym amid screaming kids and a demanding job I thought I saw a shortcut.

A quick fix.

How wrong I was.

The first cup went down smoothly enough, perked me up a little and I went on with my day.

But it wasn't enough.

I thought I owed it to myself to pursue slimming more actively, so I poured another cup – two teabags this time.

Again, the effects weren't immediate and the only real change it made in my day was the lessening of the guilt I felt when I hit the vending machine at work.

Surely the tea would deal with the calories?

It did.

As I walked in the door at home that afternoon, my wife left for the supermarket and left me with our 5-year-old son and 8-month-old daughter.

Then it happened.

The tea, brewing all day, was ready to make an appearance.

I felt it coming so placed baby in the middle of a king-size bed and asked her brother to
keep an eye on her while I ran to the toilet, metres away.

Half an hour of unspeakable horror followed, fevered moans mixing with the nauseating sound of fluids crashing against each other, set against a baby's happy murmurs as her brother entertained her.

She had no idea – and she had a nappy on, the lucky thing.

I had no such equipment and was instead porcelain-bound, bravely trying to reassure my son that my condition wasn't fatal.

When I emerged, drenched in sweat and haunted by my experience, I had certainly lost weight.

But at what cost?

News that the tea I drank and others like it have been withdrawn from sale has given me some comfort but I don't think I'll ever be the same.

Next time I'll just go to the gym.