Most importantly, I want to know what, exactly, Gwynnie is detoxing from, given that she seems to exist entirely on cruciferous vegetables and the simmered bones of dead animals? I don’t know about you, but when I have felt the need to “support” a “detox”, it’s usually because I’ve eaten several bags of pickled onion Monster Munch and a few too many tubs of Ben and Jerry’s.
But look, it gets worse, because later in the same interview, Paltrow admitted that she has “used ozone therapy, rectally”. Yes, you read that right. Rectally. (I’m so sorry if you are reading this while eating anything more substantial than bone broth). There’s no evidence that putting ozone up your bottom will make you feel any better. But then there is never any evidence for anything that Gwyneth extols, usually while promoting her luxury wellness website, Goop.
Remember when she suggested steaming your vagina, or inserting jade eggs into it? (Goop was given a fine of US$145,000 for the “unsubstantiated marketing claims” attached to the jade eggs, but almost six years on, they are still on sale on the website for US$66).
I do feel sorry for Paltrow and all the other self-styled “longevity” and “wellness” experts making a literal killing over on Instagram and social media – they must be so very miserable, and so very hungry, even if they are so very rich. They are also only symptoms of something far bigger: a self-care industry that promises quick fixes, and highs every bit as empty as those delivered by an alcoholic drink or an illegal drug or a calorie-laden burger.
As Dr Pooja Lakshmin – an actual psychiatrist – notes in her new book, Real Self-Care, sites such as Goop work by telling people “that if you do more of this one particular thing, eventually things will feel better – when in fact, the only purpose of a juice cleanse or a massage is to keep you buying more of the thing”. Dr Lakshmin argues that we need to redefine wellness, so that expensive crystals and cleanses are no longer seen as central to it.
Indeed, the problems that most women face are not caused by a lack of access to rectal ozone therapy or infrared saunas, and nor will they be made better if we spend our entire lives detoxing from a diet that consists of very little nutrition in the first place. They are caused, instead, by living in a society that normalises – and even glamourises – disordered eating in women, rather than supporting us as we try to go to work, raise families and pay ever-increasing bills. I’m pleased if Gwyneth Paltrow has found a “wellness routine” that works for her, but perhaps she could bear in mind that for those of us living outside Beverly Hills, hearing about it endlessly only makes us feel very, very ill.
Kim K’s stadium surprise
What to make of Kim Kardashian coming out as an Arsenal fan? Last week, the reality star visited the Emirates Stadium in north London with her son Saint, where they very sadly watched the Gunners get knocked out of the Europa League. Kardashian may not seem like the dream celebrity supporter, but do keep in mind that previously the most vocal Gooner in the world was Piers Morgan.
But does the star power you attract as a club even make much of a difference to your chances of winning? Given that Tom Hanks is an Aston Villa fan, and Ryan Reynolds owns Wrexham FC, we must assume not. Still, spare a thought for poor Pep Guardiola, who this month spoke of his devastation when he discovered that his idol, Julia Roberts, had been to see Man City’s fierce rivals, Manchester United. “Even if I win the Champions League it will not compare to the fact that Julia Roberts came to Manchester and didn’t come to see us,” he said.
Never mind, Pep. You’ve still got the Gallagher brothers, eh?
- Bryony Gordon is a feature writer and columnist for the Telegraph
