I feel shameful to say this, but the obsession with America seems to be pretty one-sided. Photo / Getty Images
Pop quiz: how many US states can you name?
Go ahead. Take your time. Chances are, it's more than you think.
Now here's the second question: Have you ever been to the United States?
Even if you've never visited the US, you can probably rattle off a fair bit of trivia about it; who the president is, that the most popular sports league is the NFL, and that Thanksgiving is this weird holiday for which Americans stuff bread inside a turkey and share a massive meal (that'll produce weeks' worth of leftovers) to celebrate a historical event that probably never actually happened.
You know, the important things.
But have you ever thought about WHY you know these things? I mean, maybe you learned some of them in school. But, as much as I may love the sport (as anyone who knows me can attest), I sincerely hope there wasn't a quiz for class credit where you had to name all 30 NBA teams and the state they are each in.
Really, dear reader, I have a confession to make: one of the absolute strangest things I've found about Aotearoa - perhaps even more so than the plethora of funny-looking flightless birds that remind me of aliens, the weird foods (which I've written about before) or difficult-to-decipher dialect (which I've also written about a couple of times) - is what seems to be a downright bizarre fascination with America and American culture.
Seriously, I just don't get it. Please, help me out here, people. What gives?
We could talk about how this most peculiar phenomenon is probably the result of American cultural imperialism, and I wouldn't disagree. After all, when your own co-workers know what Taco Time* and Burgerville are, you know you're basically living in the 51st state.
*Taco Time (not Taco Bell) is a small fast food chain basically found only in Oregon and Washington with forgettable food and an even more forgettable cactus logo.
I'm wracking my brains here trying to figure this out. But in the wise words of Kevin Smith's Silent Bob in Clerks 2, "I've got nothing".
The strangeness extends to news coverage. Now, I'm no fan of US president Donald J Trump. But it seems if he so much as has a mild sniffle, it gets top billing on every New Zealand news site under a "BREAKING NEWS" banner.
Do we really need to know when the Orange One is sitting down for supper?
Yes, yes, go ahead and say that it's because the US is a global superpower with more clout than any other individual nation and that Trump represents a serious threat to the very existence of the human race. I get it. But that still doesn't make the constant coverage when we're so far away any less weird.
I feel shameful to say this, but the obsession with America seems to be pretty one-sided; growing up in the States, the only time I remember hearing people speak about New Zealand was in relation to The Lord of the Rings. Sigh.
Wait. Hold up. Speaking of Frodo Baggins & Co., now that I think about it, I believe they're entirely to blame for this. Well, maybe not entirely. We can also blame Luke Skywalker, Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny, Audrey Hepburn, Dorothy Gale, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Optimus Prime, Carrie Bradshaw, Eminem, Britney Spears, and countless others. Yep - it's all Hollywood's fault.
If America is like Mordor conquering everything, then Hollywood is like the Mount Doom it all comes from. One ring - er, thing - to rule them all. I mean, we can talk about a long history of New Zealand-United States diplomatic relations, the fact both nations fought alongside each other in the two World Wars, important organisations like the United States - New Zealand Council, or alliances like the Five Eyes but, let's be honest - nothing has had the same impact as the American entertainment industry.
Is it good? Maybe. Bad? Probably that too. More probably, it's a little bit of both.
Is it reason to panic? To rise up and Make New Zealand Great Again? Personally, I'll pass on the lighting torches and hitting the streets. Interconnected world and all that (plus, I have a body that has been described as "at risk of blowing away in a mild breeze").
But it is just plain weird. I mean, I'm from Portland. There's an entire TV series about my hometown. Chances are, you've probably seen - or at least heard of - Portlandia (yes, we like to put birds on things, and give knots to each other as gifts. The just look cool, OK?).
I hate to say this, but I haven't met an American who has never been to New Zealand and knows what Shortland Street, Outrageous Fortune or Auckward Love are.
So, in sum: I'm baffled as to why Kiwis seem to be obsessed with American culture. To quote the former US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld: "As we know, there are known knowns - there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns - that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know."
Describes New Zealand's fascination with the US perfectly, no?