Greatest. Food. Ever. Also known as "Southland sushi" (because they're most popular in their spiritual home of Southland), cheese rolls combine onion soup mix and cheese, stick it inside a rolled-up piece of sliced bread, heat the whole thing up until you get a nice, crispy, golden-brown texture, and voila! Gastronomic greatness.
I've eaten a lot of interesting foods in a lot of interesting places around the world, and I'm not exaggerating when I say cheese rolls are the best thing I've ever had. Why it's almost impossible to find them outside of Southland and Otago is truly beyond me.
LAMB
Let's just get this one out of the way. There are almost 30 million sheep in New Zealand. You can get lamb anywhere and in all varieties: steaks, shanks, in burgers, stew, and more. It's pretty cheap compared to other parts of the globe, too. In fact, there's so much lamb to be had, odds are you'll be sick of it in about a week. Don't say I didn't warn you.
CHIP SANDWICHES
According to Kiwis, this is potato chips inside a sandwich with Marmite. To be honest, I kind of dig the name. Sounds a whole lot better than what we call it in America: something you never make sober.
MINCE ON TOAST
Finely ground meat on sliced bread. Simple enough that it's impossible to go wrong with, right? Wrong. As the Brits say, it's a "monstrosity" and an "abomination". Then again, these are the same people who claim soccer's called "football", so what do they know, right?
PAVLOVA
Oddly named after the Russian ballerina Anna Pavlova, this may be the most popular dessert in New Zealand. Essentially whipped cream and fruit on top of an airy cake, this is also one of the few Kiwi dishes I'd had before coming here. To avoid inciting a riot, I'll refrain from offering my views on how it tastes.
CHEDDARLOVA
It's not big yet, but give it time. It's pavlova with cheese on top. If that's not strange enough, it was invented by none other than IBM's (in)famous Jeopardy-playing supercomputer, Watson. But I can personally attest that it's bloody delicious. So too can the hundreds of other people who tried it when free samples were given out in Auckland a few months ago. You heard it here first. Cheddarlova is going to be huge.
WHITEBAIT FRITTERS
To make them, you put fish into an egg omelette. Wait ... you can put fish in an omelette? Yes. Yes you can.
SAUSAGE SIZZLE
This is a rare case of a name actually telling you what it is. It's grilled sausage. Can't go wrong with that, right? It also relates to what I've observed to be a strange need among Kiwis to grill basically anything that can fit on a grill, regardless of the climactic conditions in which they're grilling.
SAUSAGE ROLLS
Not at all related to a sausage sizzle, this is meat cooked inside dough, usually in a sausage-like shape. Best enjoyed with plenty of condiments, and/or with large groups of people. In fact, parties are about the only time I've seen people eating sausage rolls.
MARMITE
I'm going to choose my words very, very carefully here. You see, Marmite is basically sacred in New Zealand. Insult it at your own peril. So what is it? It's a yeasty spread that, to me, kind of tastes like mustard.
Whatever you do, DON'T CONFUSE IT WITH VEGEMITE. I repeat: DON'T CONFUSE IT WITH VEGEMITE. In all seriousness here, there's no greater insult to New Zealanders than confusing one of their most famous culinary exports with that of a similar-tasting Australian product.
FISH AND CHIPS
Alright, so the origin isn't "Kiwi" at all. But they're bloody everywhere. Seriously, you can't swing a cat without hitting at least two fish and chip joints on almost every street.
ANZAC BISCUITS
Basically oatmeal cookies, but way sweeter. And often harder than a piece of concrete. Seriously, DO NOT bite into these. Your dentist (and wallet) will thank you later. Oh, and I also don't have a clue why they're named after the soldiers that fought in World War I.
AFGHANS
Another kind of cookie with a weird name, these are made with chocolate, nuts, oats, and various other ingredients. But that name. As Sherlock Holmes might say, a mystery is afoot.
LOLLY CAKE
Pieces of candy. In a cake. Really, who comes up with these names?
SPAGHETTI ON PIZZA
Is this really a thing? The Prime Minister thinks so, so it must be.
KIWI DIP
French onion dip made with reduced cream. It goes great on basically anything - sandwiches, hot dogs, and as a, well, dip.
MOUSETRAPS
Grilled cheese and marmite on bread. Apparently, this particular dish is considered "Kiwi as". Cheese and bread is always a winner in my book.
EAST COAST PIE SANDWICH
A small meat pie served between two pieces of buttered bread, I'd also call this a cardiologist's worst nightmare. Or The Widowmaker.
LAMINGTONS
Pieces of spongy cake, coated in coconut, with cream between them. When I first heard about lamingtons, I thought they'd be similar to tiramisu - one of my favourite desserts. Alas, there isn't a fleck of coffee to be found.
HANGI
This is defined by the type of cooking rather than a specific food. "Hāngi" is a traditional Māori method of cooking food using heated rocks buried in a pit oven. Usually, the types of food cooked include chicken, pork, vegetables such as potatoes and kumara, but you can "lay down" (the term for putting the food in the ground) whatever you want.
It's a great social activity and good way to learn about Māori culture, too.
KUMARA
Sweet potatoes: I'm not a fan. But it's a real Kiwi staple. Salads, meats, breakfast, lunch, dinner, fancy Auckland eateries or dusty shelves in abandoned huts along trails that haven't had visitors in weeks - they're amazingly versatile.
DONOR KEBAB
This has to be on this list. I lived in Berlin for more than two years. I basically lived on a Döner diet. Whatever it is they're selling here in New Zealand, it's not Döner. Of course, it's always possible in my 30 hours of flying to get here I slipped through a crack in the space-time continuum and ended up in a parallel universe. So maybe it is Döner.
Despite New Zealand's remoteness, you can still eat food from basically every country on earth here. So the next time you're heading to McDonald's, or "Macca's" as Kiwis call it, remind yourself you can eat that sort of thing any old time. And, come on, one of the best things about going to a new country is trying the local cuisine.
