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Herald rating: 3 1/2 out of 5
Scene: A small, sophisticated, inner-city bar. Lights are low. Decor is dark, low roof, wooden accents. About 20 patrons are grouped, according to relationships, at high tables with cocktail stools or low coffee-tables around leather banquettes. The spotlight falls on three: an older couple, Mr and Mrs Epsom; the slightly younger, more urban Mr and Mrs Parnell; and two 30ish women in a group of five, Grey and Lynn.
Mrs E: Where are we?
Mr E: Bellota. Or, as the Spanish say, Bay-otter.
Mrs E: And why are we here?
Mr E: Because the ballet doesn't start for another hour. I told you we'd have had plenty of time to get into town and find a park if we left at 6.30, but you said ...
Mrs E: Don't blame me. I only come into Queen St when the Smith & Caughey fairs are on.
Mr E: Would you like a sherry?
Mrs E: A nice Harvey's Bristol Cream.
Mrs P: Don't you think that Bellota is a rather pretentious name?
Mr P: No - it's the Spanish word for acorn, which plays an essential part in one of the world's most-prized delicacies, jamon Iberico de bellota. That translates as ...
Mrs P: Not for the first time, I'm regretting I got you the Food Channel for your 50th.
Mr P: I believe they are trying to provide an authentic tapas experience. You may not have noticed, but the menu starts with those basic ingredients that we had on the bars throughout Spain - a plate of cheese or olives, those pintxos things that you get on bread, then the cooked tapas, small and big, and some sweet dishes to finish.
Mrs P: You may not have noticed, but my glass is empty. And the waiters are clustered around the big spenders. Which you are not. You'd better hail a passing one.
Mr P: I think it's nice that there's a choice of Spanish and European wines by the glass in 90ml or 180ml options to complement the traditional flavours of the food.
Mrs P: It would be, if I had one.
* * *
Grey: Chardies all round?
Lynn: Savvy for me. Why don't we just get some of these gorgy little desserts? There's an orange-almond cake or figs stewed in honey, or that white-bread and creamy thing they've got at the next table.
Grey: I'm going to the gym in the morning.
Lynn: It's got soy milk, so ... oh, all right, more olives. There's six lots to choose from. How many are you allowed?
Grey: As many as I want, darl.
Lynn (fishing into handbag): Sweetie, look what I bought (holds up dress slightly larger and less revealing than lampshade).
Grey (checking wine list): Isn't this your round?
Lynn (fishing into handbag): $16 a glass? And there's only Spanish, no Wither Hills. Sorry, my Visa is over the limit.
* * *
Mr E: They don't have Harvey's. They have Spanish sherries. Do you remember our trip to Spain? The bars, the smoke, the crush, the paper napkins on the floor, the canned music ... This place is so designer, so cool, so polite - I'd say that it's about as Spanish as a Swedish herring.
Mrs E: If you ask me, which you haven't in 30 years, four children and eight grandchildren, most of the girls here are Remuera scrubbers who've made a bit. Next, would you like stewed cockles and chorizo, or fish on chickpea, feta and chilli salad?
* * *
Mr P: Now, doesn't this remind you of Spain? That night in ...
Mrs P: Well, the food's okay. Liked the mashed artichoke on toast, thought there'd be more of a tang to those rice fritters, considering they use manchego. Best plate was those deep-fried pork and paprika dumplings. That chorizo's got a kick. Overall, I'd say, it's no more authentically tapas than several other places around town. And why do they say it's Peter Gordon when it's the same bar food you'd get in the Schooner Tavern in Granada?
Mr P: I'd forgotten that we went to the Schooner Tavern in Granada. Must replay the video over Christmas. They don't say Peter Gordon cooks. They say it's "a nuevo proyecto inspirado por Peter Gordon". That translates as ...
Mrs P: "We'll put his name above the door and bump up the prices?"
* * *
Lynn: Hey guys, let's party on down at the Viaduct.
* * *
Address: SkyCity, Federal St, CBD
Phone: (09) 363 6301
Open: Tues-Sat 5pm-late, Fri midday-late
Cuisine: Tapas
From the menu: Eggplant, currant, cumin puree with piquillo peppers, guindilla chilli salsa $7; Bone marrow, mushroom, Manchego stuffed marrowbones $10; Scrambled eggs, black pudding, toasted sourdough, piquillo pepper and broad bean salad $14; Warm fig compote, lavender honey, toasted walnuts $7.50
Vegetarian: No problema, senor
Wine: Real Madrid with Argentinian subs on bench
