Before you reconnect with an old friend online, ask yourself these questions

Reuniting with old friends can be as tricky as forming new relationships, a study has found. Photo / 123RF

I was scrolling mindlessly through Facebook when I saw it: a decade-old friend request had suddenly been accepted. My heart raced. This once-dear friend had ended our relationship years ago, and I had been deeply wounded. But now I wondered whether reconnecting was a good idea.

Research has shown that it takes more than 200 hours to make a close friend, and even longer as we get older. By contrast, reuniting with a former pal can be just a few keystrokes away.

But not so fast. A 2024 study found that reuniting with old friends is often just as tricky as creating new relationships and, sometimes, more so. That reassuring sense of familiarity can be a trap. After all, people change – old friends may not be who they once were; nor, for that matter, are we.

A chance to reflect

While the physical and emotional benefits of enduring friendship have been well chronicled, reconnecting after a long period apart raises questions: is the prospect of a new connection a chance to revive a lost friendship, or an opportunity to reflect on our values and priorities and what we want out of friendship today?

Sometimes, for instance, we want to reconnect only to expunge a feeling of failure for having lost a friendship in the first place, which is misguided, says Naama Hofman, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Medical Center.

“Certain friendships symbolise a specific time of life. Letting go can help you understand where you stand now,” Hofman said. “The most important question to answer is not what went wrong when a connection was severed, but what can be gained by restoring it,” she added.

Friendships are not meant to be eternal, researchers say. They wax and wane as we pass through the seasons of our lives.

“As we go through life transitions, our values and priorities shift, and so do our friendships,” Hofman said. “Young adults might use friendship for information and to engage in the world, whereas later in life you might focus on people who really get you.”

But while friend-shedding is inevitable, it also may be an opportunity.

“Transitions can be a time where you rethink what kind of friendships you want,” she added. “Earlier in life, you might not have been able to form the kind of relationships you craved, but now maybe you can.”

What to consider

So, what are the things you should keep in mind when reconnecting? How can you repair and move forward with a fractured friendship, while also remembering what led to the break in the first place?

First, acknowledge the choice you have to make.

“Even if they’ve apologised, it’s still okay to decide that now it doesn’t serve you to have that friend back,” said Claudia Diez, a clinical psychologist in Manhattan. There is always the danger that a friend you once fell out with might introduce confusion or insecurities into your life.

When an old friend holds a diminished or outdated view of you, reconnecting might not make sense.

“The choice to not reconnect can even be empowering,” Diez said.

Investigate this first

If you decide to reconnect, it’s important to acknowledge what led to a friendship falling away in the first place. Was it because of a situational conflict, an explicit action or a deeply embedded difference in values or character? That can be a good starting place to investigate why the split happened, regrets you both have, lessons you took away from the break and what you would like to do differently now.

In other words, don’t just pick up where you left off without a thorough and conscious reckoning.

Here are some questions I ask my patients to consider:

1. Does your nervous system feel like it is on high alert with your old friend? A friendship that provokes this stress response is a red flag. It’s your body’s response to potential danger and a sure sign to examine whether the relationship is as enriching as it is depleting.
2. Do you feel that the friend is genuinely curious about you? What’s the ratio of questions you are each asking of the other? Mutuality in a relationship is essential. Their interest in you is a measure of how much they value you.
3. Do you feel diminished or even subtly put down by your old friend? Contempt has no place in any relationship, much less friendship. Do you feel judged? Even if they don’t approve of your choices, it’s not their place to condemn you for them.
4. Does the contact feel balanced? The best friendships find a cadence that works for both people.

As for my old friend, I count myself lucky. He had ended our relationship because his wife found my status as a divorced, single woman threatening. At the time, losing my best male friend at the same moment as my marriage felt like a cruel twist. But he has been eager and willing to make the repairs necessary to re-establish a friendship. I had forgotten how much he makes me laugh.

At the same time, I sense the thrilling possibilities of discovering something deeper and richer as mature adults in our 50s. It’s not that the old hurt and betrayal surrounding our lost friendship have entirely disappeared, but they have become part of a shared history on which we are building something new.