Ask the experts: Why won't my boyfriend propose?

There's many different factors that can hold someone back from proposing marriage. Photo / 123RF

Opinion

Hello, I am 31 and have been living with my partner for three years. He is very kind and gentle, and after the guys I have been hurt by in the past, this means a lot to me. The problem is I have been waiting and waiting for him to propose to me. Sometimes I think his work and his fishing buddies matter more to him than me. We have had some arguments about this. I want to have kids soon and really want them with him, I worry he doesn't feel the same about me. My girlfriends are telling me that if he doesn't propose by the end of the year I should end it and move on. Are they right? What is your advice? - Diane

Dear Diane,

We have come across many different factors that can hold someone back from proposing marriage, and it's rarely because their partner doesn't matter to them. We more often find the reverse is the case. Many people avoid proposing because their relationship and partner matter so much that they fear doing it "wrong". Or they fear the formalities of marriage ruining something that is working fine as it is. Some people fear rejection themselves, that you might say no. Yet others fear marriage will lead them down a path where children get hurt if the parents divorce as happened for them as children. So we strongly advise you not to jump to any conclusions based on the lack of a marriage proposal.

What seems to underlie your question is a lack of confidence that you matter to your partner. Your uncertainty may reflect how difficult he finds expressing your importance to him, or it may arise from a more deep-seated fear about your worth or a combination of both. Either way, we think it would be helpful for you and your partner to have some direct and deeper conversations about your investment in the relationship and each other.

Regarding your insecurities, the signs are positive that your man cares for you deeply; he has been with you for three years and treats you kindly and gently. Given that, it is worth considering why you doubt that you are important to him. Have your past boyfriends and how badly they treated you undermined your self-belief? Or is the origin further back in how secure and confident you were that you mattered or were important to those who loved you when you were a child? We all have insecurities that we carry from our early life, and being aware of these is essential when assessing how things impact on us emotionally.

If your partner is not very skilled at communicating directly how much you matter to him, he may benefit from reflecting on why being open, tender and vulnerable with words is hard for him. In our culture, we brutalise many men into fearing their emotions, let alone showing them, so they come across as uncaring – when they have simply been trained not to verbally express that they care. If your partner is a man like this, talking with him about what it means to you when he is verbally open may open doors to the level of connection you are seeking. For that to go well, it's critical that you vulnerably take responsibility for any past behaviour of yours that has encouraged him to be shut down or avoidant. Ensure you are not being harsh or critical in your approach, to avoid shaming or blaming him.

There would be much to gain by you both daring to sit and talk deeply, unpacking why engaging directly about how much you matter to each other seems challenging for you both. Talking openly and vulnerably like this is a skill you need to develop for a strong relationship, so getting on and trying to do it now seems wise before you even consider marriage.

Another thing that strikes us about your question is how, like so many modern women, you are placing yourself in a very passive position regarding getting married. Our advice is different to your girlfriends. Treating a marriage proposal as a secret test for him to prove his love for you is unfair. Ending a solid relationship that has lots of potential without discussion when he doesn't perform as expected on the secret test is not a wise course of action.

While there is pleasure and security for some in time-honoured traditions, like a man being the one to propose in a heterosexual relationship, it's important that the tail doesn't wag the dog. Pointedly waiting for him to propose potentially creates an unhealthy dynamic that emphasises set roles and conventional expectations. In particular, if you want a partnership of equals, behaving like you are powerless is not a good way to begin.

If you want to marry him and have babies with him, what is stopping you from doing the asking? Who does the asking is not really going to tell you much about his level of commitment to you. Having an open and honest discussion about your desires, hopes and expectations for the relationship will tell you much more. It sounds like you are very clear about your hopes, so share them with him directly, not via hints and digs about him proposing. At the same time, enquire about what he wants for his future and do it so that there is room for his desires to be different from yours.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

If he expresses some anxiety, that doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with your relationship. Arguably, it's wise to have some concerns about an endeavour with as many unknowns attached to it as marriage. Those should be something for you to explore and try and plan to deal with.

You would be wise to consider whether you are feeding his anxieties. Suppose you act insecurely about whether you are important to your partner and accuse him of caring more about his work or fishing buddies than you. In that case, he may be starting to doubt if you are a secure enough person to marry. If the two of you are fighting over things like this, he might be concerned about your ability to make marriage work, let alone deal with the pressures of raising a family together.

The best way to secure the future you want is for the two of you to learn how to have honest and vulnerable conversations about who you are and what you desire. If you can do that, the issue of who proposes to whom becomes the minor detail it should be in the wider scheme of things.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.