Ask the experts: Should we have a baby to save our relationship?

Is it wrong to have a baby to save a relationship? Photo / 123RF

Opinion

Dear Verity & Nic: Is it wrong to start a family to save our relationship? My partner and I are in our mid to late 30s, we love each other, would love to have kids together, but we fight so much we're considering breaking up. We've tried counselling and have always had a rocky relationship (five years old). We believe a child would change things, but acknowledge it could end up in a broken family. I think I know your answer, but just thought I'd check. Thanks. John.

Dear John

By itself, starting a family is more likely to end than save your relationship. Although children can be a great joy, they also demand self-sacrifice and hard work. There is less time for self-care, reduced sleep, massive hormonal and physical changes if one of you carries the child as opposed to adoption or surrogacy. There is usually reduced income and increased financial demands, which worsen if the child is unwell and more children come along etc. There are many new issues to work through for a couple about parenting, family values and approaches. For many of us, becoming a parent brings up personal issues that have been dormant since childhood. All of this combines to mean there is a lot less time and energy to give the couple relationship.

As you mentioned, on a superficial level, you think you know the answer. The thing is that life is not simple; it is very complex. You love each other, have invested five years in this relationship, and think each other is good parent material. If your partner identifies as female, she may also be feeling biological time pressure to conceive. Both of you may also not want to be "older parents". So the common sense answer may be at odds with many other significant yearnings, leadings and dreams.

Deep values and powerful goals such as wanting to have a family and wanting to do the best for children can act as phenomenal motivators for people to dig deeper than they have ever before and achieve personal change and development they hereto thought impossible. However, this is not a given and requires a certain baseline of steadiness and resilience. Despite good intentions, relationships can crumble under the extra pressure of parenthood. We are observing this under lockdown where some parents are pulling together more than they usually do "for the sake of the kids" and their relationships are improving, while others are faring worse than usual and venting their stress on each other.

Rather than "start a family to save our relationship", what about trying: "Saving our relationship so we can start a family"? You could agree to try and see if you can make a difference in how you deal with conflict within a limited period (say, 12-18 months) and make that your primary life focus for that time. We would encourage you to use your experience of couple counselling (what worked for you and what didn't work) to research a different school of relationship help and another therapist for yourselves.

Generally, when couples are trapped in the kind of cycle of fighting you describe, it's because one or both of you want to justify their actions and blame the other. Make sure you find a couples therapist who is more concerned about helping you learn about yourself, about helping you grow and change than they are about making you feel comfortable or like them; someone who dares to tell you if you are kidding yourself. Tolerating discomfort for growth is an essential skill for all adults, but especially parents.

If, after 12-18 months, you decide not to stay together, this would not be wasted time if you have put the work into the therapy. Whatever you learn about yourself will stand you in good stead in the future, including future relationships. On the other hand, if your partner is unwilling to do the work and take responsibility for their part in the dynamic, it is best to learn that before you start a family.

People often say to us, "We have tried counselling, and it didn't work". Not all counselling and therapy is the same. There are considerable differences between the schools of relationship therapy available, and some approaches suit some people better than others. Some of the main methods available in NZ are the Developmental Model, Imago, Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman. There is a lot of information online about their different emphases.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

The research is also clear that the connection you have with the therapist is more important than what brand of therapy they practice. You need to "click" with the therapist and trust they are even-handed and fair in their approach. You want to have confidence they see you both being part of the problem and a part of the solution (excluding where there is psychological or physical abuse). We would also recommend that you only engage a relationship specialist, a practitioner who is fully trained in a relationship approach and whose practice is more than 30 per cent made up of couples and families. Working with more than one client in the room is a specialist skill.

Prepare a few interesting questions to ask a potential relationship therapist, get a feel for them and compare their answers. It is not unusual to try 2-3 therapists to get the best fit and skill level. Make sure one of you is not trying to find a therapist who "sings the tune" you want to hear to avoid responsibility. If you are both very smart, you will need a therapist who is just as quick as you both.

So if you are willing to give it a bit more time, take responsibility for your own unhelpful patterns of behaviours, find a specialist relationship therapist who "clicks" for you both, then "going again" with therapy to develop your relationship may be a wise call before you walk away from your investment of time and energy. You have a situation with an excellent potential co-parent who you love at a time when you feel ready to start a family. Radical changes in self-awareness and self-regulation may be required, but living a deeply connected relational life demands this kind of maturing process of us all.

Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for over 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.