Ask the experts: Should I leave my husband for my ex?

"I'm wondering if my ex is the one that got away and we're meant to be together." Photo / Getty Images

Opinion

I met my now husband very soon after breaking up with my ex. I was heartbroken that things didn't work out as I was ready to settle down and start a family and he wasn't. When I met my husband, he was a bit older and ready to settle down so it was comforting being with him after having my heart broken.

The next few years were busy with buying homes, getting married and having a child. I respect my husband for his kindness and intelligence but I've never felt a huge physical attraction to him.  Over the years disappointment and frustrations have increased and resentment has set in and I started to feel something was missing. I would say I have love for my husband but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him.

I recently got in touch with my ex and since then we have caught up numerous times as friends, except one time when we kissed and it was very passionate. The attraction is still there and I'm aware if this continues it could turn into a full-blown affair. We haven't discussed if we plan to leave our partners or if this is just a fling, but I don't want to lose my ex again - he makes me feel happy and alive again.

I also feel guilty and am aware this could deeply hurt our partners and our families. I run the risk of losing my husband if he finds out and could lose my ex too if he's not wanting to leave his partner to be with me. I don't know how to navigate this situation but would really appreciate your advice. - Elaine

Dear Elaine

Our definition of infidelity is "hiding something from your partner because you know that your partner would see it as a breach of your relationship contract". By that definition, you are already well down the path of infidelity. It is concerning that you are minimising how serious the situation already is – that you have already put your relationship and the feelings and respect of your family at risk.

It's potentially a great thing that your contact with your ex has confirmed that you want more for yourself from your intimate relationship. However, you are falling for the romantic myth of your ex being "the one" you are "meant" to be with. You say this engagement with your ex makes you feel alive and happy again and passionate. These are significant yearnings that your contact with your ex has awakened in you. Don't disempower yourself by falling for the fantasy that someone else creates these wonderful feelings. Instead, recognise that they are feelings you are capable of, and you need to explore whether it's possible to create them in your current relationship. The burning question is, "What is the wise path of action in response to your awakening to these yearnings?"

You sound like you are at an age and stage of married life when many people seek some passion after the stable and sometimes less than exciting family/co-parenting period of their relationship. It may be that you have neglected your current relationship somewhat, not working to refresh and invigorate it. You may have been unassertive early in your sexual relationship and "settled" for less than you want. Neglect can lead to the decline of any vital endeavour, be it a business, a friendship, or a marriage.

If you and your husband have avoided issues and dodged conflicts, then frustrations and disappointment will have stacked up over time, leading to the development of the resentments you mention. Even if you had married your ex, you would likely have ended up in this place. If you leave your husband and live with your ex, you are likely to end up here eventually unless you have changed things within yourself. We have worked with many people who have taken three or four marriages to realise this, leaving a lot of hurt in their wake.

Despite what romcoms tell us, it is highly unusual for anyone to fall in love and marry someone who matches them perfectly in every way, including with respect to sexual attraction. Your sex life with your husband and even your sexual attraction to him can be worked on and evolve and develop. Very few things are static; many behaviours are learned rather than genetically determined and can shift and change with time. This kind of change is work that sex therapists undertake all the time with couples.

This will likely sound far more effortful than investing in the "I married the wrong guy" fantasy. Your ex is right in front of you. The sexual excitement, aliveness, happiness, and passion is on tap with no effort (in the short term). But you have pretty accurately identified a lot of jeopardy in exploring this exciting pathway of immediate gratification. So, we counsel caution. We would suggest you work on your current relationship and the renewal challenge you likely would have faced at this life stage of your relationship, even if you had married your ex.

Maybe it is time for you to enliven yourself in other ways. Find happiness and passion that is not reliant on another. Become the source of your own aliveness and joy. That kind of self-development may lead to improvements in the relationship with your husband. You may be caught up in a personal life stage crisis rather than a marital crisis. Look deeply at the way you have been living and the choices and behaviour patterns you have had that have contributed to you feeling so lacking in aliveness and so much resentment. Getting caught up in comparing and considering which man to be with helps you avoid more profound self-examination about changes in yourself you need to make in how you are living.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

You only really mention sexual attraction as the facet of your relationship with your husband that was not strong at the start. You speak about respecting him for his kindness and intelligence and how comforting you found marrying someone like him who also wanted to settle down and had similar values about starting a family. Research has shown that respect and shared values are hugely important pillars for solid relationships.

Many couples move in later life to a better sex life than they have had before, fostered by a more mature and intimate approach. A pleasurable sex life can lead to growing attraction rather than looking for it to operate the other way round. So, we advise attending to what you have, seeing if it can be invigorated and develop into more, including more sexual attraction.

Don't talk to your husband about what he or the relationship lacks; instead, come from an active, responsible stance (versus passive and complaining) and talk about what more you envision/yearn for yourself and him moving forward. See if he is willing to engage on a regeneration path for the relationship. If need be, employ a therapist if your partner seems hesitant or continues to avoid engaging in uncomfortable conversations and avoiding the issue.

If it turns out your husband is totally unwilling to change and grow, and your own personal development doesn't create the necessary shift in your relationship, then it might make sense to consider ending your marriage. Even in that case, it's advisable to have some time alone to reflect on what you have learned before beginning a new relationship.

Impulsive, passionate decisions make for great stories but are usually a lot less fun to live through as you deal with the long-term fallout. By all means, embrace the excitement and passion your ex has brought into your life but recognise it as an aspect of your selfhood, not so much about being with your ex, and be prudent and caring in how you make use of it.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.