Ask the experts: My wife isn't interested in sex anymore, what can I do?

What do you do when your spouse sleeps separately from you and is no longer interested in a physical relationship? Photo / 123RF

Opinion

Hi, I am 68 and I have a strong sexual desire but my spouse is no longer inclined to engage in any sexual activities. She even sleeps separately from me. I don't want to divorce her at this stage, having been married for over 38 years. But I do want to satisfy my strong desire for sex. - Wei

Dear Wei,

Your problem is one of the most common presenting issues in our practice. We usually find that, if handled well, working through differences over desire can lead to valuable growth and change in the relationship in general. The trick is to use a productive lens.

Unfortunately, many unhelpful ideas are floating around about what desire differences mean. A common mistake is to view the lower-desire person in the relationship as the problem and assume the high-desire partner is "normal". Yet both people will likely have complicated reasons for their level of motivation for sex – with aspects that are positive and others that are anxiety-driven and restrictive.

So it is best not to automatically assume your high desire for sex is not problematic or that it is just a natural "high libido". Many people use sex to prop up their sense of worth or attractiveness. Others use it to self-soothe, release stress or reward themselves. There's nothing inherently wrong with using self-pleasure that way, but when you initiate partnered sex from those motivations, it often results in partners feeling "used". Sex within a committed relationship works best when it is viewed more as a form of communication and intimacy between the two people involved. It is a mutually and co-operatively constructed activity taking into account each person.

One of the tough things that higher-desire partners in a relationship may need to confront is that they have been pushing or pressuring their partner for sex in a blaming or demanding way or even from an unhealthy sense of entitlement. Self-focused behaviour like this never leads to helpful change and often results in both partners feeling hurt or angry and, eventually, shutting down sexually.

Another unhelpful idea that is very prevalent is to view your sex life and your relationship as two totally separate areas. We would always recommend that you look at your sex life in the context of the rest of your relationship. Many things affect how connected or disconnected we feel from our partner: mutual respect and caring, power sharing, the ability to have a tricky conversation and resolve disagreements productively, physical and emotional safety for all, affectionate touch, shared fun and companionship. So ask yourself, "How is our whole relationship going? Are there issues in any areas?"

Then ask your wife the same question. Inquire about how things are for her in all areas of the relationship, including you not having a sex life. Show her you want to be more connected with her in all ways, not that you expect her to satisfy your sexual needs. For many people to feel sexual desire, they have to feel wanted as a person, not as a tool for someone else's pleasure. Be open to hearing how all aspects of the relationship have been for her, even if what she tells you is challenging.

We often find that the high-desire partner may be uncomfortable being vulnerable verbally but has nonetheless been expecting their partner to show up for sex openly and wholeheartedly. Opening up physically may be the most vulnerable area for many low-desire partners. Many of us are frustrated at our partner's unwillingness to open up sexually without realising we are so shut off verbally that what we are asking for is unfair.

Sex can be a very connected and mutually pleasurable consensual activity, but it often has not been that way for many women. If you were not getting a lot of pleasure from sex, or it was uncomfortable or even painful, how much would you want it? Do you know what your wife's experience of sex has been, both in past relationships and with you? If you don't know and want to explore if it's possible to restore your sex life, now would be a good time to ask. But ask only if you are willing to accept and show care for her if you find out it's not been good for her or if she has experienced sexual assault, as far too many women have. If sex has not been pleasurable in the relationship with you, it may not be that she is low-desire for sex but that she is low-desire for unpleasurable sex.

Many women in their 50s and 60s stop feeling visible sexually, and so experience a decline in their sexual worth and attractiveness. Is your partner feeling good about her own sexuality so she has a place from which she can desire sex for herself, not simply to please you?

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

With low energy and mood, perimenopause and menopause can be challenging for many women. Menopause also impacts on most women's sexuality, with arousal patterns changing. In particular, the early phases of arousal can become more difficult to navigate, with many women reporting not being able to get turned on or aroused anymore. Additionally, drier, more fragile vulval and vaginal skin frequently results in sex being painful and leading to soreness and urinary tract infections. Thankfully there are things that can help with all these substantial barriers to feeling like sex.

You could also explore her expectations of sex. Many of our generation grew up believing older people don't have sex. In particular, many women who have viewed sex as a duty to their husbands and families rather than a pleasure for themselves believe that obligation ends with menopause. Cultural beliefs can reinforce this attitude to sex for women as they age. People make personal calls on how sexual they do or don't want to be at specific points in their lives and that it is their right, but it brings particular challenges if it does not align with their partner's choices.

So talk generally, and find out her concerns in all areas. Then, thinking of it as "our sex life" and both being in it, aim to work together consensually and respectfully to develop something that will fit "for us both".

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.