Ask the experts: My wife and I have different desires for sex - what can we do?

A difference in the desired frequency of sex is the most common presenting problem for sex therapy. Photo / 123RF

Opinion

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I have been married to a wonderful woman for nearly 30 years. I have always had a higher desire for sex than she has, which has been a difficult dynamic. She says she always feels pressured to have sex, whether I say or do anything to pressure her or not. I can understand how that would put you off.

Since menopause, she says she has no desire at all. We have sex a couple of times per year, and she says she does it for me (about which I feel good and bad). She can still feel pleasure and reach an orgasm, but it takes some time, which I am more than willing to put in. She doesn’t think the effort by either of us is worth it. I feel frustrated and sad.

I asked, ‘Do I just need to accept that our sex life is over?’ She said no, but we cannot find a solution together. I asked if it was me - could I do anything better? She says it is not me - she would feel the same no matter who she was with. It is physical. I am not so sure.

Many couples must suffer this. What am I meant to do? Masturbate for the rest of my life? I think this is what many couples must settle for.

I refuse to have an affair. I value my marriage. I am starting to think that if I want to have sex, we are going to need to separate. But that is not a guaranteed solution either. Sex is wonderful, but it is not the be all and end all.

What can I do?

Thanks, G.

Dear G,

You are right – a difference in the desired frequency of sex is the most common presenting problem for sex therapy and causes couples of all ages much distress. There’s much you can do, more than we have room to cover, but we will focus on the most common issues in our experience.

It is widespread and unhelpful for the low-desire partner to be viewed as the problem, and we get a sense that this may have been how you have been viewing the desire difference between you and your wife throughout your marriage.

This means there may be a long history that re-inforced tension rather than encouraging acceptance and spacious exploration around how you are both different regarding your desire for sex. This can take quite some unpacking. You may need to be open to listening to and understanding what her journey around sex and her relationship with her own sexuality has been like. It may have been very different from what you think, which may be hard for you to tolerate hearing if you have been married for 30 years.

If you were a typical hetero couple, you may have both succumbed to social norms around what sex should look like, with a focus on intercourse and a subtext of “men need it” and women should “give” men sex. This can be subtle but powerful stuff.

Do you know if your wife has ever had a real opportunity to stop and think, “How would I be approaching this whole sex thing if it were just up to me?” In the past, how open have you been to her trying to show you a way of being sexual that was different to your expectations? For example, if she asked you for more foreplay, were you happy to know how to please her, or did you feel criticised and hurt? You would be in the majority if your response were the latter.

As a result, not many women in hetero relationships have been given a genuine opportunity to explore the kind of sex that really works for them. Many men are too challenged or threatened to be genuinely open and curious about their partner’s sexuality. And, of course, many women have been taught to believe that sex is not for them or that to be alive sexually is a bad thing - “slutty”.

As a result of the sexual bias towards men in what’s considered “normal” in our culture, so many women (especially older women) have been alienated from their own sexuality and eroticism. Sex has been something that they have “done” for others, rather than an aspect of themselves they have explored and celebrated. If the woman has had caring and considerate partners, she may have had a reasonable amount of pleasure despite coming from those places. Still, it is, almost inevitably, not satisfying in the long run. Because it’s alienated from their sense of themselves and their eroticism, they are not doing it for themselves.

Any history like this with you will affect how your wife has responded when she has hit the natural barriers to arousal post-menopause. It may go a long way to explain why she doesn’t find sex “worth the effort”.

It also sounds like your wife has experienced a marked physical change as a result of menopause. Typically, post-menopause, a woman may experience difficulty early on in their arousal cycle but have no problem eventually climaxing. This requires change and creativity in how you approach sex. Doing what you have always done (but doing it for longer) isn’t the answer. Women can feel “worked on” and under pressure to get to orgasm. It may feel laborious and tedious even if they eventually have an orgasm — time to back up and take a new approach together.

You may have to tolerate expanding your concept of what “sex” is. Couples who evolve a broad definition of their sexual connection, focused on pleasure, not intercourse, often find they can develop and enjoy a solid sexual connection in later life.

If your wife is serious about you not having to give up on sex, then the two of you can go on a voyage of discovery together. Let her be in the lead, perhaps adding in things like more gentle sensuality with no pressure for orgasm. She may wish to add some novelty to get out of the old rut - maybe explore specific stimulating sex toys. Vibrators can speed up that initial arousal phase post-menopause.

Sex is always affected by how connected you are in other areas of your life, such as how conflict resolution is going and whether you are good at taking feedback and being emotionally open and vulnerable. Is there equity regarding domestic chores and financial power? These kinds of factors can affect your partner’s desire for sex and may need addressing to rekindle a desire to have a sexual connection with you. Ask your wife if any of these other barriers are operating.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

Perhaps you have never really explored together how your wife’s desire actually operates; it may rely on some emotional intimacy being present. This would necessitate you being open and vulnerable in ways that may be challenging, e.g. verbally. It is common for someone with a high desire for sexual connection to have a low desire for verbal connection.

You could both look at the work of Joan Price, who is a passionate advocate for enhancing pleasure post-menopause and explores how older women can reclaim feeling attractive and sexual as we age. She also encourages men to liberate themselves from their limited scripts around being sexual “leaders” in bed and hyper-focusing on “succeeding” by pleasuring their partners, preferably with an orgasm through intercourse. She introduces new ideas around spacious, relaxed sexuality that is all about intimacy, good communication and shared responsibility for designing sexual interactions that are desired and pleasurable for both partners.

Ageing is great if we can liberate ourselves from old expectations and scripts and recreate sexual intimacy in a way that fits both partners. There are no rules, and thinking outside the box can be very helpful. We suggest you start by discussing some of these ideas with your wife. Ask her questions and take care to really listen to what she says, and see if some barriers can be removed and new sexual pathways open up to explore. If it feels tricky to examine together, or if your problems lie outside what we have covered here, then seeking out a sex therapist skilled in working with desire differences may be a wise idea.

Verity and Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.