"I'm fed up that my husband feels free to make plans and walk out the door when it suits him. How can I get him to be more considerate?" Photo / Getty Images
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Dear Verity and Nic,
I am so frustrated and sick of my partner never telling me his plans. He will announce on Saturday morning that he is off to do a 2-hour cycle training that he agreed to with his mate on Wednesday night. He makes commitments for us both and the family without checking with me. He does not give a thought to getting babysitters and if the kids are well or not etc. He complains that I am expecting him to ask my permission before he can agree to anything and that is unreasonable and he wants to be able to accept invitations that he knows I will enjoy. He can’t see what I am making a fuss about. He is calling me a control freak but we have 2 small children, aged 4 and 2 and I feel fed up that he feels free to make plans and walk out the door when it suits him. How can I get him to be more considerate? - Sally.
Dear Sally,
You certainly do deserve more consideration than you are reporting. You also deserve more empathy than you’re getting.
Your experience is that your partner is not there for you, sometimes literally. On top of that, the cavalier and dismissive way he responds to your complaints is likely also damaging your respect for him. Your partner calling you controlling when you make a reasonable request is dirty pool and not something you should engage with. Stick to your guns on asking for empathy and consideration.
From what you’re describing, getting him to be more considerate will require some careful discussion of the basis of your relationship. Are we in a partnership of equals? How does that work? How do we make decisions? What are we free to make unilateral decisions about, and what needs consultation? (A: anything that impacts on my partner requires consultation).
It’s normal not to have thought this stuff through, but answering these sorts of questions is necessary work for every long-term relationship. Living well with another person involves balancing two basic human drives: The drive for autonomy (to be yourself and make your own choices) and the drive for connection (to feel you are not alone and belong).
If you want to share your life with another, then you need to act in ways that show them consideration and take them into account. If you don’t want to be bothered with the extra work of having to take another person into account, then you should stay single – then you can do whatever you want.
The ongoing legacy of male privilege in our culture means that in hetero relationships, men often go in unconsciously, expecting that they will get the benefits of a partnership without having to give up anything. They will get connection and belonging while retaining full autonomy. This was the way marriage used to work. And many men hope it still will.
The reality is that, in a partnership of equals, to get the benefits of connection, you have to surrender some autonomy. The exact details are up for negotiation. But being in connection means not being free to do whatever you want. This has nothing to do with love or gender relations.
If you enter into a business partnership, your lawyer will draw up an inches-thick document carefully outlining respective responsibilities, required actions, protocols for dealing with disputes, etc. Your freedom of action in the business will be heavily circumscribed. Nic runs his training business in partnership with a colleague. It’s beneficial because his partner has strengths that complement his own. It works smoothly because there is a clear expectation of communication, collaboration and timely consultation (i.e. before decisions are made).
Families are complex systems, often with more moving parts and things to consider than a small business. Getting it all running smoothly with the minimum impingement on everyone’s autonomy relies on good communication between the adults.
The scary reality of relationships is that you can’t make your partner do anything. You can influence, but you can’t control (unless you are willing to resort to abusive coercion, and even that is not reliable). It’s usual for fundamental aspects of our relationship contract to remain unspoken until something goes wrong. Then, we really need to discuss the deal and what we are willing to sign on for.
A common challenge with these kinds of conversations is that most people need to be more self-aware. Your partner won’t know why the idea of being considerate so affronts him. This work may need to be done before you can get a different response from him.
It may be interesting to find out why your spouse doesn’t have realistic expectations of consultation in his partnership model. In particular, you could invite him to explore what was modelled for him growing up. Likewise, he sounds like the notion of collaboration and cooperation feels onerous to him, that surrendering autonomy frightens him. Is there a back story to his fear of losing his freedom? Was he very tightly controlled growing up? Or did he have complete liberty and little accountability?
If he has grown up in a very hierarchical culture (e.g. within his family, school, recreational or work environments), he may not understand the difference between asking permission (which is what you do when you are dealing with someone higher in the hierarchy) and consultation (which is what you do when showing consideration to a partner). He may experience discussing his choices in advance as putting himself in an inferior position because he has no other frame of reference for it.
For a partnership to function well, there needs to be empathy, for each person to be aware of the impact of their choices and behaviour on the other. Was this modelled for him in his formative years? Or was he told what to do regardless of his desires, feelings and needs? If he hasn’t had much experience of empathy, explore whether it’s something he wants for his kids. If so, he’d best learn to exercise it within the family, especially in how he treats their mother.
If he’s not willing to enter into these explorations and discussions about your relationship contract and what’s fair, that starts looking like a red flag. It is a common tactic for people exerting power over someone else to try and invalidate the other’s concerns and complaints by exaggerating or misrepresenting them.
You mustn’t let this happen. Keep restating your desire for a discussion about the culture of the relationship, about limits and boundaries. If you can’t get traction with him, take that seriously. If a man in his circle (friend, brother, father, colleague) knows how to work in partnership, you could try asking them to talk to him. Failing that, you could seek help from an experienced couple therapist (e.g. someone with 5+ years of experience and whose practice is at least 25 per cent couples).
Ultimately, it’s vital for your well-being and your children to be in an environment that offers support, consideration and empathy. Don’t settle for less.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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