Where do I go from here? Any advice would be very much appreciated. - Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
It is wonderful that you are stopping and listening to some strong warning signals before you move in with your new love. Now is the ideal time to make a clear-eyed assessment of where you’re going with your relationship.
Understandably, infatuated single parents in your new man’s situation will try to minimise the problems and reassure their partners that “it will all be all right”. We’re sure he sincerely believes he will somehow cushion for you the impact of living with his kids a lot of the time. Sadly, wishing it so will not make it so. If your partner is saying this and encouraging you to ignore your profound reservations about being involved with children, there is a significant danger of setting yourselves up for failure.
If the thought of dealing with his children for half of every week makes your “blood run cold”, it sounds like your reservations have deepened rather than been allayed in the 18 months you’ve known him and his kids. If you already resent the time and energy the kids take away from your relationship, that is a legitimate and serious concern with the potential to harm all of you, including the children. It may well be that you are about to make a big mistake.
We wonder how honest and direct you have been about these feelings and what your partner’s response has been. Has he inquired deeply to learn more about what your concerns and fears are? Or has he tried to minimise your worries and reassure you?
We are not saying, “Give up now.” But it is vital that you proceed on a cautious and realistic basis. Statistically, blended family couples have a much lower survival rate than couples who get together without children already present. We see much pain and upset in our offices when blended family issues are not handled well. Often this is due to naivete or a reluctance to admit to and plan for the inevitable challenges of blended family life.
The reality is that these two children are extremely dear to your partner and he comes as a package with them. Unless he is a very unusual parent, if you force him to choose between you, he will always choose his kids. Inescapably, committing to him is committing to spending time and energy building a relationship with his children. Remember you will also be called upon to have some degree of involvement with the children’s mother, grandparents, friends and friends’ parents. This is all part and parcel of joining in with his family life. There is no way around this.
To maximise your chances of success, you must begin from where you are rather than where you wish to be (or where your partner wishes you to be). For example, it is not unusual that you don’t feel a connection with his children at this point. Much advice on fostering a realistic relationship with your partner’s children is available. But achieving this will require an honest willingness to invest time, energy and patience. As a rough guideline, some experts suggest building a strong connection with your partner’s kids can take up to the same number of years as their age when you start living with them. If you’re not on for that level of work for that duration, it’s probably wise and kind to tell your partner now.
However, you may be willing to experiment. Part of the price of having someone to share your life with is surrendering some of your autonomy and freedom. Entering a committed relationship means inviting your significant other to influence you and change your life.
So while you have been dead set against having children in your life, perhaps you’re open to discovering what your new partner loves about having kids, why he had them and what he gets out of it. It may be that your position and attitude to children could shift and expand out of your love for your partner.
Listen to him with a view to changing how you think about children and the sacrifices living with them involves. Why is he okay with having less time and energy for himself and you? Your love of this man may motivate and influence you to stretch beyond your existing mindset and lead you to a new path that involves many experiences you could not have anticipated before you met him.
If you move in with your new man, you will be doing “family life”. You will create a blended family with all the issues and joys that come with that. You don’t have to work out how to do this from scratch. There are now many resources for people starting down the blended family pathway - podcasts, websites, books and relationship therapists who specialise in assisting couples in navigating the challenges. You may also have friends and acquaintances who have successfully met the blended family challenge and can give helpful advice.
Remember that you don’t have to proceed with this relationship. You are perfectly entitled to want a simpler life than children entail. Only choose the family path if it holds interest and attraction for you. If, after more discussion and reflection, you can’t find any positive intention or orientation around his children entering your life, then this may be a “deal breaker” issue. It is a core-values difference and a valid reason not to pursue a relationship despite your love and attraction for each other. Sadly, love does not conquer all and the sooner we recognise this, the less hurt and pain for everyone.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
