You are likely to learn important things about yourself and each other if you talk calmly and openly about your view of pornography. Photo / 123RF
Hi Verity & Nic,
Some years ago, I came across my husband watching pornography on his computer. I was shocked and quite hurt at the time. He was clearly embarrassed that I had caught him out. I was angry and later when I had calmed down, I talked to him about why I felt hurt by his behaviour. At no point did he acknowledge my hurt or that he had done anything wrong other than grunting something about not doing it again. When I caught him watching again several months later, I was once again very hurt. I felt as though trust had been significantly broken.
After some research about possible ways to handle this, I asked to be able to regularly have access to his computer history. He went into a rage, however, a few weeks later told me he had set up an accountability system with our son so they could monitor each other's history. I've checked with my son and this very rarely happened. Since then, my husband has set up his computer so that there is no way anyone can catch him out again. He has never apologised or acknowledged the hurt to me.
I am left feeling that I can't trust him and wonder what else he is doing. Any advice for how we can move forward on this would be appreciated. - Jane
Dear Jane,
How sad and painful that you and your husband have ended up at this impasse. We think you are very wise to be concerned about the lack of communication and trust. We are glad you raised this topical issue, as it causes distress in many couples.
The research suggests that most men watch pornography (as do a significant minority of women). Among the older heterosexual couples we see, the typical dynamic is men avoiding conflict by hiding their pornography use and women automatically viewing any pornography use as unremittingly bad and either an infidelity or sign of sex addiction. Neither of these approaches is wise nor builds intimacy. It is time that pornography use by men in heterosexual relationships became more acknowledged and openly discussed respectfully.
You write as if it is self-evident why you are hurt by your husband watching pornography. Sadly, it is not. There are many reasons to object to pornography on ethical and moral grounds. Much pornography reflects the misogyny of our culture. Pornography treats women in aggressive and debasing ways. You may not like it, approve of it or want it in your life. That doesn't explain why your husband watching it in privacy "hurts" you.
If your husband knew full well you don't want him watching pornography, and had agreed not to, then it is understandable that you feel hurt – he violated your trust by breaking an agreement. To do something knowing your partner doesn't consent to it, and then hide it from them is the definition of infidelity. Not only does watching pornography violate your relationship agreement, but presumably so does deceiving and lying by omission.
The way forward is an intimate discussion, where your partner will need to delve deep to explain why watching pornography was so important to him that he was willing to deceive you about it. Be open to the possibility that it was more an issue of autonomy than pornography, per se; a passive-aggressive, "You can't tell me what to do". It is still essential for him to discuss why he didn't have the conflict up front instead of going behind your back. If he thinks pornography is harmless, it is up to him to persuade you that he is doing no harm.
Suppose your partner justifies his deception by saying, "there was no point in trying to talk to you about it". In that case, it's a chance to prove him wrong and have a very different style of discussion than you have had so far—one with much less blaming and much more inquiry and interest.
On the other hand, if you two had never discussed pornography or he never gave you a promise to avoid it, we would question what hurt he has done you. In exploring this issue with other women, we often find that their insecurities about their attractiveness or worth are at the root of the hurt they feel. That they "aren't enough". They fear being replaced by pornography. Yet, the research suggests that, in most cases, men watching pornography have no impact on the couple's sex life. There is even some research suggesting one or both people watching pornography enhances the couple's sex life.
We strongly encourage you to reflect on your hurt (and the accompanying anger at your husband) and consider whether, in watching pornography, he has done you any harm. Insisting he has hurt you by his private behaviour is a dead-end in terms of sorting things out between you. If he views his watching pornography as something personal that has no impact on you, he will not agree that his behaviour was hurtful. It is sad that he was not able to show you any concern or empathy for how your distress, even at a later date. However, he may feel very unfairly treated.
Has it occurred to you that your husband might feel hurt by your behaviour? The impression you give is that when you first surprised him, there was no room for conversation, that you were accusatory and shaming. You appear to offer his embarrassment as evidence of his guilt rather than a perfectly normal response to being surprised during a very private activity.
Again, it is unfortunate he responded to your distress by making a grudging promise he didn't intend to keep. However, it sounds like you made it difficult for him to do much else. In being so free to express judgements and upset feelings, you signalled that there is no room for discussion and that you aren't interested in finding out what is going on for him.
We contend that you (and every other couple with a similar dynamic) are missing an opportunity for intimate exploration and connection. You are likely to learn important things about yourself and each other if you talk calmly and openly about your view of pornography, what it means to you, how it makes you feel etc. If you genuinely want to move forward, this is where we suggest you begin.
This may require a level of openness and intimacy that is not normal in your marriage. That's no reason not to start. Typically, it is a crisis that drives us to deeper levels of vulnerability and connection.
You must signal strongly that your husband will get a fair hearing and that you want to understand his relationship with pornography, not judge it. The impression you give is that previously you were adamant he was in the wrong and needed to make amends. That is not a basis for an intimate exploration of delicate subjects like morality and sexuality.
While it is sad that your partner has now withdrawn and has not acknowledged your hurt, it is also sad that you have shown no interest or left any safe room for him to be open with you and express his ideas about his pornography use alongside yours. It seems like you both would benefit from taking a step back and picking up the dropped thread of intimacy by showing up for a spacious, honest and kind conversation. It may require several discussions with cooling down periods in between, given how much hurt and distrust has built up by now for you both.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
Washington Post: The mindset should be - less fuss, more fun with company.