Ask the experts: How do I tell someone I want to be more than just friends?

"I'm quite happy to hold hands... but I want a bit more". Photo / 123RF

Opinion

My husband is in a home with a disease he won't recover from. I have met a man with impotence problems caused by an operation. I am quite happy to just sit with him in a theatre or elsewhere and hold hands or even have a bit of a cuddle. He seems happy to meet me and discuss politics/religion/history etc but I want a bit more. Sometimes I run into him by chance and he ignores me. How do I let him know how I feel without the risk of his thinking that I am a loose woman or without a feeling he will reject me altogether? - Diane

Hello Diane

We want to commend you for thinking about your own needs and wants and not just focusing on your husband in care. With increasing life expectancy and medical advances, more and more people are finding themselves in your situation with an ill and declining partner needing ongoing support. It is good that you are keeping on living for yourself.

It is not clear whether there has already been affectionate touch between you and this man in whom you are interested. We will assume there hasn't been and that this is the "bit more" you seek rather than sexual touch. We can understand your concerns about raising this issue, given that you are still married and that you want to avoid any risk of rejection.

Sadly, there is no way to remove the risk of rejection entirely. You have to risk a little to connect more with another person. However, it is possible to carefully check the situation and the other person before taking the calculated risk of starting a vulnerable conversation with them. We recommend small steps to learn more about this man before you risk too much vulnerability.

One comment stood out for us; that he has ignored you when you have run into him by chance. Finding out what that is all about would be an excellent place to start. There can be benign or more concerning reasons for this behaviour. Here are some possibilities to consider.

A benign possibility is that he may be hesitant, not wanting to come on too strong given that your husband is still alive. He may be unwilling in public to reveal that you are already well acquainted to protect your reputation or his own.

A less benign option is that he likes an audience to talk at and be attentively listened to, but he is not that capable or interested in showing caring and interest in you. Very self-absorbed people can behave in confusing, contradictory ways depending on what their own needs are at the time.

His erectile dysfunction is another possible reason for his hot and cold behaviour toward you. He may be just as keen on your relationship and want to get closer to you but also be painfully aware of his erectile difficulties. That awareness may raise conflicted feelings for him. He may want to get physically closer to you but be worried that you might then want to be sexual, and he is avoiding this because of the pain this might raise for him about his sexual functioning and his fears that you may reject him.

So next time you and he are alone discussing things, gently raise that you don't want to assume things about him and get it wrong, so you want to ask him directly what it means when he ignores you when you meet by chance. Be very clear you want to understand him better, not that you are complaining. If you come across as critical or attacking, this is likely to shut the conversation down. If he senses that you are genuinely curious and trying not to jump to conclusions, he is more likely to be drawn to discussing this with you.

As we have suggested in previous columns, being able to tolerate uncomfortable conversations and behave productively and solidly during them is something you would be wise to expect of someone with whom you want to develop a more close relationship. If he can't handle this type of question, your risk of rejection is high. Someone insecure will often treat an invitation to be vulnerable as a threat, totally shutting down or withdrawing or lashing out to protect himself in other ways more aggressive ways.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

So, test the waters with this conversation first. If it doesn't go well, we would suggest you move on, knowing it would be unwise to take additional emotional risks with him. If, on the other hand, he responds well and opens up to you, explaining benign reasons why he has sometimes ignored you, then you can continue to talk further, knowing that he can also risk and tolerate vulnerability. Then you and he can slowly discuss any concerns either of you may have, and you can clarify what you are interested in with him. He can respond honestly and vulnerably about where he is at, where he wants to take the relationship with you.

Suppose you are going down this path of discussing what you each want. In that case, it may well smooth the course of the conversation if you are direct early on that you are not seeking sexual closeness with him, but rather companionship and getting closer with affectionate touch, cuddles and hand-holding. For many men, erectile difficulties strike at the heart of their sense of themselves as men and sadly at their sense of being a "good enough" or "real man". Being clear that sex is not what you are seeking may help put his mind at ease at the start. Sometimes, people think you will inevitably read that as signalling sexual interest if they cuddle affectionately. You can make it very clear to him that for you, cuddles would just be cuddles.

A final word about your concerns about being seen as a "loose woman". If things go well with your new friend, you may need to have a lengthy discussion about your husband, ideas around fidelity, what he knows or does not know of you seeking companionship, etc. In a similar vein, what do you each care or think about who and what others know of your relationship, particularly if you are going to grow closer with more outings together and affectionate touch? These conversations about boundaries are a normal part of any relationship and essential for keeping you both emotionally safe.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.