Can men have close relationships with women without it going wrong? Photo / 123RF
Hi Verity and Nic,
Can men have close relationships with women without it going wrong?
My husband thinks it's okay to have a close working relationship with a colleague who is slightly older than him because they are similar in age. I'm in my mid-50s and slightly younger than my husband.
He said he feels he can't talk or be friends with other women because of me. In all honesty, I don't mind him talking to other women but I don't believe any form of intimacy, emotional or touch, is appropriate with the opposite sex, as it's heading to the line that gets blurred and crossed.
I'm happy to be chummy and friends with other men but I don't wish to have any physical touch, other than the customary brief hug hello/goodbye because I feel it sends out a wrong signal and I don't want to go there.
I feel I've been a dedicated wife and mother and need to feel I'm my husband's number one - which I often haven't. He has improved his attention recently, admittedly. What differentiates friendship from a relationship? What words or actions should partners be worried about? Am I being unreasonable? - Susan
Dear Susan,
You're not being unreasonable; your concerns make perfect sense. However, you may be looking at this through the wrong lens. It sounds like you are in danger of turning an opportunity for exploration and intimacy into a question of who is "right" - and that's nearly always a lose/lose situation in a relationship. Attachment expert Dr Stan Tatkin once said, "You can be right, or you can be in a relationship. Pick one."
What you are describing is a very typical boundary issue. At its most basic, "boundary" is jargon for "what's okay for me and what's not okay for me". You and your spouse disagree about where to set the boundary around contact with the opposite sex. And this kind of disagreement is entirely ordinary and necessary. The issue is not a matter of certain behaviours being an objective cause for worry, it's about what you two mutually decide is acceptable in your relationship.
In a relationship, everyone needs a clear sense of their own boundaries, and everyone is totally within their rights to insist on those boundaries unilaterally... up to a point. You can be clear about what's okay or not for you, but you don't get to tell your partner what's okay for them. This especially applies to the boundaries around the relationship - who and what we will and won't allow in.
One of the most significant differences couples must face is our assumptions about what is "normal" or "expected" in a relationship. Typically, we assume that our expectations are "normal" and that any deviation from or challenge to these expectations is "wrong". Until life shows us differently, we are often oblivious to how personal, arbitrary, and culturally specific our "normal" is.
Once we understand that, then we can accept that we need to explore and negotiate the mutual boundaries that apply to both of us in our relationship. They are a vital part of our contract, of the structure of the relationship that makes it defined and clear and therefore reliable and trustworthy.
As we said above, it is usual to find out that your partner has a different expectation about how to behave in a relationship when they do something that you think is "wrong", as your husband is doing here. That's a cue that you need to go into exploration mode because A) these kinds of misunderstandings are an inevitable and necessary part of building a long-term relationship, and B) no one person gets to dictate where the boundaries are in a relationship. That is, he can't just say it's okay and expect you to fall into line with his judgement, and neither can you.
Exploring why certain things are okay and not okay for each of you is an opportunity to understand each other more profoundly and intimately. You have already pointed to some underlying issues you would profit from exploring with your husband. When you talk about not feeling like his number one, that's important and worth going deeper into with him. There certainly can be behaviours that put your relationship at risk, and if your partner has indulged in those in the past, you might have reason to be concerned about blurred lines. Those are situations that are worth talking about.
Exploring means talking about what a situation means to both of you, what you each see as the benefits of doing things your way and listening to what the costs and impacts are for your partner. It often means trying to find a way to help your partner get what is important to them, in terms of boundaries, without compromising your beliefs and values.
To answer your initial question - yes, some men and women can be close friends without it going wrong. So rather than trying to convince your partner it's not possible, it's probably wiser to focus on how you want your relationship to be. For example: "Where I feel cherished and the most important person in your life". Then you can share your concerns about how his present behaviour puts that at risk: "I'm worried that you will share your intimate thoughts with your friend and not with me".
It is common for people to find it easier to talk openly to someone unimportant to them (therapy depends on this tendency). If your experience is that your husband talks freely to others but seems a bit of a closed book to you, then discuss that with him. But you must be willing to tolerate hearing what he says. In this instance, ask him how he believes you are inhibiting his friendships with women and show interest and care in his subjective experience. Don't get defensive or justifying of your behaviour.
There may be other issues for your spouse, for example broader concerns regarding freedom and accountability that frequently arise in relationships. Seize the opportunity to learn about what it's like to be him; enquire and be interested. That's the basis of empathy and intimacy.
You also point to how, as a woman, you have learned to be particularly careful with your boundaries. Many men don't understand how constant the sense of pressure and threat is for women, how frequently other men sexualise the most innocent contact. Again, if this is part of the background for you, it would be a good thing for your husband to understand about what it's like being you.
Suppose you have a history of past partners being unfaithful, or other ways important people have been unreliable. In that case, that's relevant to how you assess the risks involved in your husband's friendships. It's crucial that you acknowledge those influences and do your partner the courtesy of admitting that those experiences impact your judgement in assessing how risky his behaviour is. It would also be wise to recognise that, in raising the issue of boundaries with other women, you are effectively questioning his self-awareness and trustworthiness, and that's probably not very nice for him (even though it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do).
As is so often the case when we run into a difference with our partner, the challenge is to stay connected with them, to keep focused on what's good in the relationship and to talk about what you do want. To avoid the trap of being critical and negative and focused solely on what you don't want. It's good that you desire more from your relationship and want to keep it safe. If you can keep the focus on intimacy and connection, there is every chance you can turn this disagreement into an opportunity to deepen your relationship.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
The average age of patients in the study was just 38, highlighting risks for younger adults.