When family concerns about age gaps in relationships arise, what’s the best way to keep harmony? Photo / 123rf
When family concerns about age gaps in relationships arise, what’s the best way to keep harmony? Photo / 123rf
A reader and her husband are united in disapproval of the 14-year age gap in their granddaughter’s relationship. What they don’t agree on is whether to invite him to dinner.
Q. My 22-year-old granddaughter is in love with a man who is 36. They have been dating fora year. I want to maintain my closeness with her, so I hide my concern about the age gap. My husband (her grandfather) does not. Recently, our granddaughter told me that she would like to bring her boyfriend to a family dinner, but she is afraid of what her grandfather might say. I’ve tried to ask him to be open about this, but before we get anywhere, he changes the subject. I perceive a commitment looming, and I would like to meet this boyfriend. Our daughter met him, and she likes him. What should I do? – Grandma
A. I have no doubt that you and your husband love your granddaughter. I also understand that you’ve known her longer as a child than as she is now: an autonomous adult. Still, your concerns about her relationship with a man you have not even met seem premature - and a little self-sabotaging. In the hierarchy of relationships, a romantic partner beats a grandparent on most days. Why make your granddaughter choose between you unless it’s absolutely unavoidable?
Also, in your telling, this boyfriend has no occupation, no interests, no family or friends who love him. He is flattened to a single data point: his age. This is a harmful way to think about people. I promise I will be here for you if you later decide that your granddaughter is in an unhealthy relationship. But at this point, I’m with you: Just meet the guy!
Now, unless you’ve been married to your husband for less than 15 minutes, I suspect that you already know how to deal with him when he hems and haws or changes the subject. You say: “Stop this nonsense! We are going to have dinner with this man, and if you can’t be pleasant, don’t come.” If you can’t pull that off, just invite the couple to lunch on your own.
Q. My mother-in-law has a terrible habit of taking over conversations and making them about herself. The most obscure topics can, within minutes, relate to her or what she used to do for a living. She talks at people. I’ve discussed this with my husband, who has dealt with it his entire life; he says to ignore it. But recently, our teenage daughter asked me not to invite her grandmother to dinner because she only talks and never listens. I know I need to say something, but my mother-in-law is also sensitive and otherwise kind. Advice? – Daughter-in-law
A. As a (mostly) reformed busybody, I now look before I leap: Am I the best person to solve this problem? Is there a downside to getting involved? I encourage you to consider these questions before you tackle your mother-in-law. I see a low likelihood of success here and plenty of room for discord.
You say your husband has dealt with this problem his whole life. To me, that suggests an intractable difficulty. If no one has broken your mother-in-law of this habit so far, why would you be able to? You don’t mention a special closeness with her. So, I would skip the global critique and simply speak up for your daughter (and yourself). Jump in with “What were you saying, honey?” when your mother-in-law hogs the conversation from your daughter, and “Please let me finish” when she does it to you. She may respond better to this approach than to criticism.
Research suggests that family disapproval can strain even the healthiest romantic relationships. Photo / 123rf
Put the scissors down!
Q. Last week, a friend of 50 years asked me politely if she could suggest something. I knew what was coming: I should get a haircut. It’s hardly the first time she’s raised the issue. I listened and nodded, but a simple haircut would change nothing. I have a long and successful marriage and two fine sons – and no interest in fussing with my hair the way she does. (It’s wavy, and I let it do what it wants.) What should I do if she raises it again? – Friend
A. I receive a steady stream of letters from people like your friend who want permission to give unsolicited advice to other adults. The canny ones usually argue that their suggestions will greatly improve their friends’ lives. But these people strike me as bossy, if well-intentioned. If your friend believes so ardently in haircuts, let her get one!
The next time she raises the subject, say, “Yes, you’ve suggested a haircut before, but I don’t want one.” If she presses, tell her nicely that she must have something more interesting to discuss – and, preferably, not your wardrobe.
A guest list that defers to the living
Q. My friend’s mother died recently. She left instructions that one of her sisters be barred from her memorial service. Is my friend obligated to honour her mother’s wishes – even if it causes lasting problems with her aunt? – Friend
A. I would be Switzerland here. Unless the aunt poses a threat to the safety of others, it is not generally legal to bar people from public places – assuming the venue for the memorial service will be a church, a synagogue or some other house of worship. Also, the enmity between the sisters is probably no secret to the surviving one. Your friend could say: “My mother asked that you not attend, but I leave that decision to you.”
