Ask an expert: I’ve never felt worthy of love or attention - how can I start?

"How can I learn to genuinely love myself and see myself as deserving of being at the centre of my own life, especially when the messages around me seem to suggest otherwise?" Photo / Getty Images

How does the 26-year-old letter writer start to believe she deserves “love, hobbies and happiness?”

Q: I’m 26 years old and ethnically South Asian. I’ve never really felt worthy of love or attention – romantic or otherwise. Growing up, I didn’t feel like I deserved hobbies or interests just for my own enjoyment, and now as an adult, I struggle with prioritising myself.

I’d love to dive into painting, pottery, going to coffee shops or just spending relaxing afternoons at the park (stuff that genuinely brings me joy), but I have a constant fear of doing those things. I can’t understand why. I’ve always put other people’s needs above mine, to the point where I feel like I don’t even know how to centre myself in my own life. I wonder if this is common for women of colour? Maybe it’s rooted in some deeper cultural or societal messaging I’ve internalised?

At this age, it’s starting to weigh on me that I’ve never been pursued romantically. I’ve never experienced the warmth and affection of romantic love. Seeing everyone around me enjoying supportive relationships makes me feel incredibly lonely and somehow “lesser-than”. Deep down, there’s a fear I’m unattractive and undeserving because I don’t fit into the White, Eurocentric beauty standards that dominate the culture around me. It’s making me question my own worth in ways that hurt deeply.

How can I begin to believe I deserve love, hobbies and happiness? How can I learn to genuinely love myself and see myself as deserving of being at the centre of my own life, especially when the messages around me seem to suggest otherwise? - What about me?

A: You have been performing “excellence” as a survival strategy. You may have been taught, implicitly or explicitly, that you owe your family success, stability and credibility in exchange for their sacrifices. This isn’t uncommon in South Asian families and in immigrant families more broadly. Over time, this pursuit of excellence becomes entangled with your sense of self-worth. You start to believe your value lies in how well you fulfil the duty placed on you.

But who are you without the “model child” mask? What parts of you had to be hidden, silenced or softened to be seen as dutiful? It’s okay to step away from perfection. It’s okay to choose joy, creativity and rest – not as rewards, but as your birthright. Who are you when you are not producing, giving or doing?

It sounds like you may come from a family where love is shown through provision, discipline, protection – not affection, validation or freedom to explore personal joy. So it makes total sense that now, as an adult, you struggle to centre yourself without guilt. You weren’t born believing you were undeserving – you learned it. This isn’t just psychological. It’s generational, cultural and systemic, and that’s why it’s so hard to “just believe” you deserve love and happiness.

But joy is not selfish. It’s not frivolous. Joy is a form of healing, and quite honestly, it’s an act of rebellion and resistance. You’re not “wasting time” when you go to a coffee shop or paint for an afternoon; you’re rewriting the story that your worth comes from labour or self-sacrifice. I understand this can feel uncomfortable, but start small. Spend 10 minutes once a week sketching, or have a goal to go to one coffee shop in the next two weeks and do nothing except people-watch. It will be so important for you to slowly infuse this joy and creativity into your life; otherwise, you will never do it. Consider bringing a friend or accountability partner along for a pottery class, or journal as you go to process how this feels and what you are unlearning/learning about yourself along the way.

Doing more of what you want will also allow you to see yourself in a more positive light. You are feeling the pressures of Eurocentric beauty standards – which can affect even the most self-assured people – but neglecting your desires is almost certainly compounding the issue. As I said in a previous column, society constantly decentres women of colour from desirability narratives, but that doesn’t mean you’re not desirable. When you’ve never been reflected in stories of softness, affection and being wanted, it makes sense you’d internalise a sense of invisibility. Healing this starts with seeing yourself with new eyes and surrounding yourself with voices that reflect that back. That could mean following South Asian artists, models and creators who redefine beauty. Or it could mean reading poetry or stories by women of colour about love and desire. Even more, turn the lens inward and affirm your own worth. What do you love about yourself? What does it mean to listen to your bodily wisdom of what feels good and pleasurable? What are your needs in relationships?

I don’t believe you need to love yourself to be loved by others; after all, relationships can actually give us agency to discover self-love. So while you wait for romantic love, pursue reparative relationships – where you feel safe, seen and can practice being vulnerable – in friendships and with strangers. Get to know that barista at the local coffee shop you’re going to visit. Practice showing up in your fullness.

Love that aligns with who you are will come when it comes. And it will not make you more whole; it will simply meet you where you already are. You’re not “less than” for not having had that yet. You’re simply waiting for someone who can hold the fullness of your being, which you are just now learning to reclaim for yourself. Let the romantic loneliness remind you that you crave connection not because you’re lacking, but because you were made for it.

You ask how you can truly believe you deserve love, hobbies and happiness. The truth is: You don’t “convince” yourself. Rather, you begin to believe it by practising it, gently and consistently, in your life.