Ask an expert: ‘I’m concerned about my daughter’s drinking – how should I talk to her?’

"My daughter works in quite a buzzy environment and the teams always seem to end up in the pub." Photo / 123RF

ADVICE:

My daughter works in quite a buzzy environment and the teams always seem to end up in the pub; lately, I’ve noticed that when she comes over for a meal, she’s a little unsteady and then drinks a bottle of wine with dinner. The other day she scared a few of her friends by disappearing on a night out. We are close, but when we talk about it she shuts me down. What should I do? - Worried

Dear Worried,

Reading your question sent us down a hazy memory lane where we remembered (parts of) our own 20s: all the falling out of bars and into beds; the survival stories in the pub the next day; feeling so grown-up about buying a bottle of wine and drinking it at home; having no ties and few responsibilities. Emilie remembers running down a street naked at closing time for a bet with work colleagues, one of whom is now godmother to her daughter. We behaved badly, broke our own hearts while gulping cocktails (it was the age of the Cosmopolitan and the ladette, what can we tell you?).

We worked together in our late 20s and we used to have a code for when one of us was truly hanging and would need support through the day. And then? Well, then, as regular readers of this column will know, one of us levelled out, and the other hit rock bottom and hasn’t had a drink in 17 years. What we are trying to say, is you may just be witnessing a young person dealing with life in the 2020s.

Now, we are certainly not trying to normalise scary behaviour. Alcohol is a dangerous thing, whether you are an alcoholic or not. A bottle of vodka is an unexploded bomb that can lead to all sorts of poor decision-making, poor risk assessment, poor behaviour at any age. A friend of ours who isn’t a particularly big drinker got a little bit too drunk at a dinner party the other day – perhaps she hadn’t eaten, perhaps she was tired and distracted – and she ended up telling a table full of people some very inappropriate details about her life. In the alcohol danger zone, catastrophic indiscretion can feel pretty tame compared to the idea that you might be assaulted/fall off things/wander into the sea…

With regard to your daughter’s drinking, we would advise you to continue to pay attention, as you are doing so brilliantly. Notice if there is persistent sadness or loneliness emanating from her. Notice how alcohol affects her moods, and whether she medicates with booze. Notice, if you can, her levels of isolation. There is a difference between alcoholism and having times in your life when you’re not drinking in a healthy way.

The most difficult thing we have to tell you is that you are not going to be able to stop her drinking. This is not a cop-out, Worried; this is the most important lesson. Perhaps you saw the moving interview with footballer Dele Alli who described his adoptive parents pleading with him to get help for his sleeping pill addiction? You can beg, plead, emotionally blackmail, torture yourself – and her – telling her to stop, but it simply has to come from her. Emilie’s mother had countless conversations with her, as did her sister and her friends.

But until she felt ready (which is a nice way of putting “was completely on her knees”), all it did was create distance and freeze communication channels. With any kind of issue like this, the moment you say to someone, “If you stop doing this, you will feel better,” they immediately panic, because they are powerless to do the thing you are telling them to do – and that realisation is absolutely terrifying.

We suggest three things, Worried. One is to continue noticing but ask different questions. Make different enquiries about her life and her friendships and work relationships that don’t activate the trip wire and make her shut down. Two, you could send an email that says, “I know you don’t want to talk about this, but if you ever do, I am here. I love you and I am always on your side. I won’t judge, all I care about is your happiness. If you ever want to talk about anything, I am your person.”

Three, know that Al-Anon is there for you if you need it. Al-Anon is a support group for people affected by someone’s else drinking. It is no exaggeration to say this is a lifesaving initiative that will put you in touch with people who are walking a similar path to yours. All manner of wisdom is there, and they will hold your hand as you go forward.

We want you to know, Worried, that even though you feel powerless and fraught with fear, it is beautiful that you are paying attention. This bodes well for your daughter’s future. As they say in Al-Anon, “It will be OK in the end, if it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”