Ask an expert: I found porn on my husband’s computer – I’m furious!

When does a harmless habit cross the line into relationship damage? Photo / 123rf

A wife feels disgusted and betrayed after discovering a lurid image of another woman on her husband’s computer screen, and worries that he may have permanently damaged their relationship.

Q. When I went down to our basement yesterday, my husband’s computer was on. I went to turn it off and saw a naked woman with large breasts on the screen. It took me a moment to realise: This is porn. I feel so wronged! Why wasn’t he more discreet? I am usually receptive to sex with him, but I feel as if he has poked a hole in the bubble of our intimacy. I am tempted to find a picture of a well-endowed porn star to leave on his computer. He says he’s embarrassed. He should be! My cousin told me that all men look at porn, but I feel disgusted and diminished as insufficiently buxom. Why are men such self-indulgent pigs? Is watching porn a slippery slope to cheating? – Wife

A. Let’s acknowledge that you are really upset now – and that it’s healthy for you to express your anger. Be careful, though, not to let a rant become your reality: Your letter is brimming with unhelpful generalisations – that men are pigs, for instance – and logical inconsistencies. (If looking at porn is wrong, how would it have been better for your husband to have done so more discreetly?) I hope that you will feel less distraught soon and open to considering productive next steps.

It is vitally important for couples to negotiate the ground rules of their relationship – even, and especially, for issues that are uncomfortable to discuss. Yet, it seems as if you and your husband have never talked about pornography. Our culture is drenched in it, and many happily married people I know look at it. Now that you know your husband does, too, it would be better to discuss the issue directly than to shame him or to upload images of porn stars on to his computer.

Your sustained outrage will probably chill an important conversation about fantasy and monogamy – hello, romance novels! – and the possibility that looking at naked images of other people has no bearing on your husband’s fidelity or desire for you. It is not my place to dictate an agreement between you, but I recommend that you hash this out with him. If you need help facilitating that discussion, find a couples therapist soon.

There's no need to make a broad statement about your drinking habits, even if someone asks directly. Photo / 123rf

My glass, my business

Q. I have decided to stop drinking for a while. My Dry January revealed that I’m not loving my relationship with alcohol these days. The problem: Since I stopped drinking, I’ve had to field uncomfortable questions when I socialise. When I say I’m not drinking, people ask me if I’m pregnant or an alcoholic, or wonder why I don’t want to drink. Any tips? – Abstinent

A. Good for you for continuing to explore your relationship with alcohol beyond the novelty of Dry January. Let me share my experience: When I am self-conscious about something, I have a perverse tendency to make announcements about it – drawing attention to the issue. (It makes a kind of sense, of course: The subject is top of mind and therefore apt to tumble out of my mouth.)

But there is no reason to make a general statement about your drinking – even in response to direct questioning. That merely creates a subject for conversation. When the waiter takes your drink order, ask for club soda with cranberry juice. If your friends ask about it, tell them, “Alcohol doesn’t agree with me lately,” and leave it at that. Nothing I suggest will prevent rude people from asking if you are pregnant or an alcoholic. If they do ask, say: “No! Are you?”.

How do you handle a bad massage experience? Photo / 123rf

After a massage, feeling rubbed the wrong way

Q. I booked a massage recently. When the massage therapist left me to undress, she made me wait eight minutes before she returned. When she began the massage, she started sniffling constantly. After 15 minutes of this (and her mediocre massage), I asked if she was contagious. I explained that I have a baby at home. She replied, “I’m not a doctor.” When I repeated my concern, she offered to stop the massage. I agreed. After I got dressed, the woman at the front desk told me there would be no charge for the appointment. But she didn’t apologise or offer to reschedule. I am appalled! – Client

A. Why would you want to reschedule an appointment at a spa where you had a horrible experience? True, the spa personnel offered no apology – but not charging you for your appointment seems apology-adjacent. I would move on now and try to find a massage therapist you like better.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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