Ask an expert: After years of his lying about drinking, how do I trust my husband again?

How do you rebuild trust in a relationship after years of lies about drinking? Photo / 123RF

Letter writer’s husband’s rampant drinking resulted in him losing his job. He’s a month sober now, but how can his spouse ever trust him again?

Question: My husband of 12 years always enjoyed drinking, but about three years ago it started to impact our relationship. I shared with him that I had begun to feel alone as he drank more, and I suspected he was drinking in the mornings. He denied drinking hard liquor even as I found bottles hidden in our home.

Last month he was fired for becoming very intoxicated at work. I feel completely betrayed and hurt. I have a good job, but that alone can’t support our five children. He is growing tired of hearing how he has hurt our family, and we both want to move past this. But I’m having a hard time moving past his lies about his drinking, the financial peril he has put us all in and his disregard of my concerns over how his drinking has hurt all of us for years. I’ve been devastated since he was fired. He has been going to AA every day for a month now – or so he says.

After years of lying to me about his drinking, I don’t know how to trust him again. It has been a month since he lost his job and says he stopped drinking. Is that too long for me to carry doubts that are hurting our relationship? – Lost Husband to Booze

Answer: The betrayal, fear and anger you’re carrying didn’t start a month ago. Rather, they’ve been building over years of broken trust, hidden bottles and unanswered pleas for change. A single month, even with the promise of sobriety, isn’t too long to still be hurting or doubting.

While your husband starts his sobriety journey, you’re allowed to need more – like transparency, accountability, therapy or concrete steps toward employment and rebuilding family stability. His recovery doesn’t cancel the harm that’s been done. It’s okay to say: “I know you’re working on recovery, and I acknowledge that. But I’m still carrying deep pain and fear. I need time, transparency and accountability – not just for me, but for the kids and our future.” That’s not punishment, and it may be worth reiterating that.

Come up with a plan together to rebuild trust: maybe it’s asking for AA attendance confirmation. Maybe it’s having a set time every two weeks to check in on his sobriety. This avoids endless “waiting” with no clarity. Or maybe it’s having explicit boundaries around finances, spending and employment seeking activity. You may also want to consider how you can assess and manage your finances in a way to prepare for contingencies to protect you and your children. Your kids are likely picking up on what’s going on, so be sure to tell them in age-appropriate ways what’s happening and shield them from taking on more than they need to right now. These steps aren’t about control, they’re about protecting your peace, your children’s future and giving this relationship a real shot at honest repair, if it’s salvageable.

The broken trust in the relationship and your husband’s substance use disorder are two different, though intertwined, issues. You have to separate between what is your work to do, what is his work to do and what is work for both of you to do in the relationship. For example right now he’s in early recovery, which often requires intense focus on himself. You deserve your own support while he seeks out his. This can be attending Al-Anon where you are with others who understand exactly what it’s like to love someone with addiction. And you may consider individual counselling where you can express your unresolved and ongoing pain, and learn to set boundaries while taking care of yourself and your kids.

Supporting someone through substance use disorder is individualised, and the possibility of relapse is high. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you can – and want to – encourage and support your husband’s sobriety with empathy down this road. For instance, instead of only focusing on your hurt and betrayal (valid feelings!), you want to also utilise positive reinforcement to focus on what he’s doing well and right. Additionally, consider how you can work together to create a plan for how he maintains sobriety and manages his specific triggers. You may ask him to join a meeting with his therapist or sponsor to learn more about how you can be of support while also getting “proof” that he’s doing the work.

The fact that he’s attending AA is a promising step, but long-term sobriety and rebuilding trust is a process. While your husband is the only one who can do the work to recover and be sober, reframing his alcohol misuse as a disease can help you see this as something your husband also struggles with. This doesn’t mean he isn’t accountable to his actions but if you’re both on the same page about healing from this, you can approach this as something you tackle together rather than it being you versus him.

Trust may come back in stages: first with his words, then with his actions and finally, if he stays committed, with your heart. This is going to take time and you have to decide if you are willing to work through your own feelings about it and support him. It’s okay if you can’t. And even if you can, you still need your husband to be willing to meet you there. Either way, it sounds like you’re in need of support, so reach out for help and let yourself process and move through the grief that is coming up.

Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy.