NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather forecasts

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Budget 2025
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
    • Cooking the Books
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • What the Actual
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Are you dating a psychopath? Scientists reveal the signs

By Calli Tzani Pepelasi
Other·
1 Dec, 2018 05:00 PM6 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

It is estimated that about 1 in 100 people are psychopaths - similar to the number of people who are teachers. Photo / Getty Images

It is estimated that about 1 in 100 people are psychopaths - similar to the number of people who are teachers. Photo / Getty Images

It may sound like a scene straight out of a horror movie, but statistically you are not that unlikely to end up on a date with a psychopath. It is estimated that about 1 in 100 people are psychopaths – similar to the number of people who are teachers.

And while we may associate psychopaths with horrifying criminals such as the American serial killer, rapist and necrophile Ted Bundy, the majority of psychopaths aren't actually criminals, but live fairly ordinary lives in our midst. So how do you know if you happen to be dating a psychopath and what should you expect? Luckily, there's research on the topic.

Despite this type of personality disorder being well established and researched, there is some controversy around exactly how it should be diagnosed. However, researchers do agree that psychopathy involves persistent antisocial behaviour, impaired empathy and remorse, boldness, emotional resiliency, meanness, impulsivity and extremely egotistical traits.

Psychopaths also have certain positive traits, however, such as paying attention to detail, being good at reading people and engaging in conversation with ease. Their ability to be precise and creative means psychopaths can be successful professionals.

Romantic problems

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

The first trait that might become apparent when dating a psychopath is pathological lying. Psychopaths are likely to repeatedly attempt to deceive their partners and will lie about anything under any circumstances in order to conceal their behaviour and achieve their goals – whatever they may be.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult to catch a psychopath lying as they often strategically plan deceitful stories. They often also tend to have a superficial charm that may have got their partner addicted in the first place – this could make their other half doubt their suspicions.

Not all psychopaths are like Ted Bundy. Photo / Getty
Not all psychopaths are like Ted Bundy. Photo / Getty

Their perception of self worth is typically extremely high. Even if you are a successful, confident professional, you are likely to feel worthless in comparison. And if you don't, a psychopath partner may set out to crush your self esteem in order to have more control over you.

Research shows that psychopaths often use a technique called gas lighting in order to achieve this – gradually eroding a "victim's" confidence and sense of reality by confusing, misdirecting, deceiving and persuading them – leading to extreme self doubt.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

The reason psychopaths are good at manipulating is that they typically study people's behaviour and skilfully use it to control them.

If you are in a relationship with a psychopath and manage to resist their manipulation, they will often throw a toddler's tantrum full of frustration, anger, nagging or repetitive conversations – and of course the pity puppy eyes as a final attempt – to make you feel sorry for them and give in to their wishes.

The lack of guilt or remorse is particularly hard to deal with. But don't expect it to change – research suggests the brains of psychopaths are wired in this way.

A recent brain scanning study of psychopaths in prison showed that the higher levels of psychopathy people had, the more likely they were to cheat – and not feel bad about it.

Discover more

World

Killer mum's 'gut instinct' missed

30 Nov 10:44 PM
Lifestyle

Woman's cruel plan to frame husband

03 Dec 08:14 PM
Lifestyle

What really happens during a near-death experience

06 Dec 08:07 PM
Lifestyle

10 new dating terms to watch out for

20 May 09:05 PM

This was associated with reduced activity of the anterior cingulate cortex, which is thought to play a role in morality, impulse control and emotion among other things.

Other studies have discovered that psychopaths have structural and functional differences in several brain areas, including the prefrontal cortex, which plays a crucial role in personality development and planning.

It is clearly also exhausting to be in a relationship with someone who struggles to feel empathy.

However, some studies have indicated that psychopaths may actually have the ability to feel empathy – both on an intellectual and emotional level – but can choose to disregard it, as if they have an emotional off switch.

Similarly, it seems psychopaths are often aware of the wrongfulness in their negative behaviour, but act in that way in any case due to their lack of self control.

Romantic partners of psychopaths will therefore soon realise it is hard work to keep up with their partners' continuous need for stimulation and unrealistic long-term goals. Their lack of self control can also get partners in trouble. For example, a psychopath may be rude to their partner's colleagues or embarrass them at a party.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Jodie Comer plays a psychopath in Killing Eve. Photo / Supplied
Jodie Comer plays a psychopath in Killing Eve. Photo / Supplied

Psychopaths also tend to show traits of sociopathy and narcissism, and both traits have been been correlated with infidelity. A recent study that examined how psychopathic traits play out in romantic relationships also found that manipulation to gain sex may be a common approach.

While many of these traits are off-putting, men and women seem to struggle with different things when living with a psychopathic partner. Women are more likely to resent their partner's behaviour and gradually end the relationship, while men are more likely to experience an increased fear of rejection due to their partner's impulsive behaviour.

Dealing with rejection

People who find the strength to get unhooked from a romantic relationship with a psychopath may find that their other half actually feels sorry – but that's most likely to be because they are no longer able to own, control and use them anymore.

And if you dump a psychopath and later try to get them back you are unlikely to be successful. Their lack of empathy means that they will take no responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship and offer to change going forward. Instead, they will most likely blame the outcome on you or anyone else but themselves.

This attitude comes from their belief that, if you are feeling hurt, then it is your responsibility and your problem – in other words, you let this happen to you.

However, if their next romantic partner is not as challenging, interesting and fruitful as they hoped for, they might come right back to you full of deceitful apologies and new-found meaning in your relationship – along with promises of love.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

That is because psychopaths tend to live a parasitic lifestyle, feeding off others and taking more than they give. That means they may want to have your friends, resources and even your financial status back as their own.

That said, psychopaths do appreciate their relationships in their own way. They do suffer pain, feel loneliness, have desires and feel sadness if they do not receive affection. Clearly dating a psychopath is not for everyone.

But some people can see beyond the negative traits and accept a psychopath partner as they are – ultimately having greater chance of seeing the relationship succeed.

THE WARNING SIGNS TO LOOK OUT FOR

Pathological lying: Psychopaths are likely to repeatedly attempt to deceive their partners

Crushing your self esteem: A psychopath partner may set out to crush your self esteem in order to have more control over you

Tantrums and 'puppy eyes': Psychopaths will often throw a toddler's tantrum and 'pity puppy eyes' as a final attempt to make you feel sorry for them and give in to their wishes.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Embarrassing you in public: may be rude to their partner's colleagues or embarrass them at a party

This article is republished from The Conversation with permission

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Lifestyle

Joe Biden's 'aggressive' prostate cancer diagnosis explained

19 May 05:45 AM
Premium
Lifestyle

'Walking alongside whānau through heartbreak': Life in a NICU in NZ

19 May 02:00 AM
Lifestyle

Nutritionist and cancer survivor: 'What Kiwi parents should know about children's nutrition'

18 May 10:00 PM

Sponsored: How much is too much?

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Joe Biden's 'aggressive' prostate cancer diagnosis explained

Joe Biden's 'aggressive' prostate cancer diagnosis explained

19 May 05:45 AM

Joe Biden was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which affects 1 in 10 Kiwi men.

Premium
'Walking alongside whānau through heartbreak': Life in a NICU in NZ

'Walking alongside whānau through heartbreak': Life in a NICU in NZ

19 May 02:00 AM
Nutritionist and cancer survivor: 'What Kiwi parents should know about children's nutrition'

Nutritionist and cancer survivor: 'What Kiwi parents should know about children's nutrition'

18 May 10:00 PM
'In the winter, the roads can be a bit scary': The life of a rural midwife

'In the winter, the roads can be a bit scary': The life of a rural midwife

18 May 09:54 PM
Sponsored: Cosy up to colour all year
sponsored

Sponsored: Cosy up to colour all year

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • What the Actual
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven CarGuide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP