NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

After a break-up, does an ex get to stay on your Instagram grid?

By Gina Cherelus
New York Times·
8 May, 2024 02:00 AM5 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Social media culture has created new breakup etiquettes around curating one's online image. Photo / Getty Images

Social media culture has created new breakup etiquettes around curating one's online image. Photo / Getty Images

Picture this: your relationship is over. Now what? You probably let your close friends and family know, as well as your therapist, who will shepherd your healing journey. You might even turn to Spotify, Shakespeare or the StairMaster to cope.

Eventually, you’ll delete or hide away (“archive,” to use Instagram’s preferred term) every trace of your ex on your Instagram and other social media profiles. Or you won’t, choosing instead to leave the photos and videos of your past lover on your page. What do you do with the footprints of your relationship on Instagram once it’s over? There’s no right or wrong move. It really depends on whom you ask.

Averee Conkle, a human resources worker in Denver, said that she had removed every single ex from her Instagram page, which she likes to keep filled mostly with images of people who still mean a lot to her, like friends and family.

“I think if it would have maybe ended differently or things like that, I would have a different thought process behind it,” said Conkle, 26, who added that she hadn’t dated many very nice guys. “But from the boyfriends that I have had, I don’t think they deserve a spot on there.

“Now, maybe the healed version of me wouldn’t care as much,” she added. “But the way things ended, I would just rather it’s out of sight, out of mind, and then I can just move on.”

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

The home of the “hard launch,” the Instagram grid has become the way many people announce their major life updates: a new relationship, an engagement, a marriage. And with the introduction of other features like Instagram Stories, which allows users to post photos and videos that disappear after 24 hours, the weight of the grid has become that much heavier.

Archiving allows users to hide photos from their profile without deleting them entirely. Photo / 123rf
Archiving allows users to hide photos from their profile without deleting them entirely. Photo / 123rf

While many might be worried that leaving an ex on one’s grid could signal to a potential suitor that there’s some processing still to be done, Conkle said that if she were to date a guy who still had his ex on his page, it wouldn’t really bother her.

“I think that maybe shows that they ended on a good note,” she said. “I think I’d maybe bring it up on a date. I don’t think I would ever make it about the post, but I would definitely like to know how their last relationship ended.”

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

In relationships, a grid post of a new girlfriend or boyfriend can be a declaration to the world that you are claiming this person in a serious way. If a relationship ends, it is common for some to quietly remove photos of their former partner, perhaps to signal to followers and new suitors that they are single, or because the heartbreak made it too painful or embarrassing to face the posts. Or they leave the posts up because those moments were a part of their life’s history and therefore should be remembered.

To save face, some people have a third approach: not posting the person they are dating at all until the couple are engaged.

Ashley C. Ford, an author and editor, started her Instagram page around 2011. Her husband, whom she has been with on and off for more than a decade, appears early on her profile, and even during periods when they weren’t involved. She’s in favor of leaving the posts up after breaking up.

“Even though we haven’t been together that entire time, there are other people who appear in photos who I was involved with when he and I were not together,” she said. “It’s this record of people who I’ve known, people I’ve loved, experiences I’ve had.”

Ford, who wrote the memoir Somebody’s Daughter, said that she understood why some people rushed to remove evidence of their past relationships from public view, or why others said they wouldn’t post a significant other until they were engaged or on their honeymoon. But she doesn’t think it should be done out of shame.

“The embarrassment that you put in effort and it didn’t work out is so wild to me because that is literally the function of life,” she said. “You are going to try a lot of things, you are going to do a lot of things that are not going to work out. And 90% of the time, the reasons why it didn’t work out are completely out of your control.”

Indeed, you can’t control if someone lies to you, cheats on you or falls short on promises. Regardless of what stage you and the other person are in, whether you’re just beginning to date or in an exclusive relationship, “a ring won’t save you from that disappointment,” Ford said.

“I don’t want women to feel like the fact that you chose to love, that you were vulnerable, that you opened yourself up to someone and that you allowed them the opportunity to show up for you with as much love and with as much care and with as much commitment, and they “failed?” she said. “That should never be your shame.”

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Gina Cherelus

©2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES

Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Lifestyle

Josh Emett and the eclair that became an icon

Premium
Lifestyle

‘They come at you’: The grandmothers playing rough at a kids’ sport

17 Jun 06:00 AM
World

How often you should be cleaning your toilet, according to experts

17 Jun 12:12 AM

Sponsored: Embrace the senses

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Josh Emett and the eclair that became an icon

Josh Emett and the eclair that became an icon

It’s been an Onslow signature menu item since day one. Now, Josh Emett’s famous crayfish eclair has clawed its way into the Iconic Auckland Eats Top 100 list. Video / Alyse Wright

Premium
‘They come at you’: The grandmothers playing rough at a kids’ sport

‘They come at you’: The grandmothers playing rough at a kids’ sport

17 Jun 06:00 AM
How often you should be cleaning your toilet, according to experts

How often you should be cleaning your toilet, according to experts

17 Jun 12:12 AM
Premium
‘I’ve given up asking’: Why so many midlifers are struggling with sexless marriages

‘I’ve given up asking’: Why so many midlifers are struggling with sexless marriages

16 Jun 11:52 PM
Help for those helping hardest-hit
sponsored

Help for those helping hardest-hit

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP