Advice: Should I be loyal to my father or my dying uncle?

"My uncle is terminally ill. He has invited the whole family — except for my father — to gather for one last Passover."

New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.

Q: My father’s brother was going through a rough patch financially, so my father offered him a room in his house. My uncle moved in, but they fought frequently over my uncle’s insistence that my father should be more religious. After months of tension, my father finally asked my uncle to leave, and my uncle stopped speaking to him. Later, he was diagnosed with cancer. My father made many attempts to repair their relationship, but my uncle wanted nothing to do with him. Now, we have learned that my uncle is terminally ill. He has invited the whole family — except for my father — to gather for one last Passover. I am torn: it feels wrong to exclude my father, but it also feels wrong to refuse the wish of a dying man. Thoughts? — SON

A: I appreciate your sharing the backstory of this conflict between your father and your uncle. Context is always helpful. Now, I urge you to set it aside: it is not your job to repair the relationship between these men or to judge them. In my experience, sibling relationships are often more layered and complex than any one story can convey.

Creating some emotional distance here may also help make your decision about attending Passover easier. On a purely humane level, there is no conflict between sympathising with a man who is dying and feeling bad about your father’s exclusion from what may be a last gathering. I can also imagine your discomfort at feeling disloyal to your father. That’s a lot of emotion to layer onto one day!

Still, I would attend your uncle’s Seder. And I would tell your father that you feel sorry about his exclusion. Let him know that you love him and think he has been a good brother to your uncle. Your father already knows what a difficult situation this is. I doubt he would want you to boycott the Seder for him, and I bet he will be proud of your compassion.

Expanding the old boys’ club

Q: For 15 years, my best friend and I have hosted a monthly dinner meant to keep the ol’ crew together as we’ve aged, married and had kids. We call it the Man Dinner — intentionally coarse and noninclusive. There are 30 guys on the list and about 10 of them show up regularly. No woman has ever been invited or attended. The wrinkle: a longtime attendee is transitioning to be a woman. I am of the opinion that we should remove her from the Man Dinner list. We can see her separately. Your thoughts? — MAN

A: Listen, it’s not my dinner club, and you are free to socialise as you like. But isn’t this friend part of “the ol’ crew”? And isn’t the whole point of your club that it’s increasingly difficult to keep up with old friends as we age and take on new responsibilities? So you probably aren’t likely to see her separately — perhaps at the very moment she needs support the most.

It doesn’t sound as if society would collapse if you relaxed the gender requirement at these dinners to include men and those who were assigned male at birth. And adhering to the letter of the law here — by excluding a trans woman who has been a longtime member of the club — seems to belie the warmhearted spirit of your enterprise.

Fido’s five-second rule

Q: I was having brunch with my family at an indoor restaurant when my young daughter accidentally dropped a piece of fruit on the floor. At the next table, a woman had a dog with her that was a little unruly. The dog started sniffing the fruit, so I warned its owner. (I don’t know anything about the dietary restrictions of dogs.) The woman proceeded to give me an earful, telling me I should have picked up the fruit. Should I have? — DAD

A: Accidents happen! Even the best-mannered children (and adults) spill food occasionally. When I take kids to restaurants, I do a quick survey around our table after the meal to gather the detritus so the waiters don’t have to. But not every blueberry needs to be picked up immediately.

Here, I can’t help wondering what an unruly dog was doing inside a restaurant. In my experience, animals in restaurants are limited to service and emotional-support pets, and they are generally under the control of their owners — not wandering to other tables. Maybe put this episode down to a careless owner on a grouchy afternoon?

Call me by my name

Q: I work with a woman who calls me by a nickname she gave me shortly after she started working here a year ago. I think of nicknames as arising out of longer or closer relationships. And I don’t like this one. It feels like she’s forcing a friendship and trying to be chummy with me. How can I ask her to stop without hurting her feelings? — CO-WORKER

A: I’m sorry you’ve spent more than two minutes thinking about this. We are all entitled to be called by our names. Period. Let her know there are no hard feelings, but you prefer your own name to her nickname. That shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings, right?

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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