Advice: My in-laws gave money to two grandchildren, but not a third. Help!

"A few years ago, my in-laws gave our oldest child and another grandchild generous monetary gifts when they turned 13." Photo / Janosch Lino, Unsplash

New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.

Q: A few years ago, my in-laws gave our oldest child and another grandchild generous monetary gifts when they turned 13 in the same year. The other grandchild had a bar mitzvah that year, but we’re not religious so our child did not. Still, they both received cheques. Our second child turned 13 two years ago, but she received no such gift. My husband and I think this was an oversight. We don’t believe his parents meant to favour one child over another. Should my husband mention this to them? Our younger child, now 15, feels slighted by her grandparents and disappointed. But my husband doesn’t feel comfortable approaching his parents about this gift. Help! — MOTHER

A: You love your children and want them to be treated fairly: two siblings, two birthday cheques, right? I get it. And I think your in-laws get it, too — in a way. That’s probably why they gave a large cash gift to your older child on his or her 13th birthday after having given a large gift to their other grandchild who celebrated a bar mitzvah that year. They wanted to avoid the appearance of favouritism between grandchildren. But does that single decision require your in-laws to write cheques to 13-year-olds forevermore?

It may! It’s not customary, though, to give large cash gifts to children simply for turning 13. This may also explain why your husband is reluctant to approach his parents about these gifts, and why your younger child’s 13th birthday didn’t register with your in-laws: the day itself has no built-in significance. And the gift you expect requires piggybacking on a cousin’s bar mitzvah that was held several years ago.

Now, the bigger issue here, in my opinion, is not money. Your daughter has felt hurt by her grandparents for two years now, and no one has addressed that problem. Even if she were to receive a cheque from them tomorrow, it probably wouldn’t erase her hard feelings entirely. So, I would focus on explaining the fluky circumstances to her and encourage her to think of her grandparents as more than the gifts they give. If you want to be even-steven about it, consider giving her a check yourself.

Nice weather we’re having. So, who died?

Q: I have a friend who is very social and who grew up in the area where we all now live. Whenever we meet, he soon starts giving me details about who has died, as well as the funerals he’s attended. I’ve told him: “I’m not interested! I don’t know these people.” Should I let it go, or am I being rude? — FRIEND

A: I would tread lightly here. Telling a person that you feel no compassion for the loss of his old friends is callous. It may also be inaccurate: if I am reading between the lines correctly, your real objection may be to your friend’s use of death notices as small talk. Still, I think that’s too fine a distinction to rely on. If you can’t manage to gracefully change the subject, it’s probably wiser to limit time with your friend than to minimise these deaths.

Mi casa, su cama?

Q: My partner and I moved to a beautiful European city a few years ago. We have several visitors from home every year. Our apartment doesn’t have much guest space, though. There is one small guest room with a twin bed and desk (which I use as my office). When we have single guests, we invite them to stay with us. When we have couples, we suggest a hotel and sometimes offer to pay for it. The problem: a couple has asked to visit us. These are people who are willing to sleep on sofas, floors — anywhere! But we don’t want them spread out over the apartment. They are also people who would find the suggestion of a hotel offensive. What to do? — EXPAT

A: Let’s start with what not to do: don’t work yourself up over the unreasonable demands of visitors. They may be on holiday, but you are still living your daily life. I wouldn’t want guests sleeping on my floor or sofa, either. That would restrict my movement in the apartment. And we are entitled to be comfortable in our homes.

Tell this couple — soon — that your apartment is too small to house four people. Suggest a hotel and whatever financial arrangements you typically make — though you certainly aren’t obliged to pay for their lodging. If this reasonable approach puts them off, that’s not your fault or your problem.

A twinge of shame over the twang of home

Q: Despite having moved to my current area 40 years ago, I retain the regional accent of my youth. The problem: a woman in my book club mimics me! She is clearly making fun of me, which I find embarrassing and rude. I ignore her, but I’m thinking of dropping out of the group. What should I do? — J.

A: I’m sorry your feelings are hurt, and I understand why they are. Still, you are a grown-up. Tell this woman directly that you dislike her mimicry and want it to stop. For all we know, she may think she’s the quintessence of wit. This may also be a valuable experience for you: Sometimes, we have to stand up for ourselves — not flee the book club.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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