Advice: My brother’s ex-wife won’t return a family heirloom. Help!

"When my brother got engaged, he gave his fiancée — with my blessing — a ring that is a family heirloom." Photo / Jackie Tsang, Unsplash

New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.

Q: When my brother got engaged, he gave his fiancée — with my blessing — a ring that is a family heirloom. It belonged to our grandmother, who died before we were born. It didn’t occur to me that the ring was possibly leaving our family, which is what happened when they later divorced. My brother asked his ex-wife if she would return the ring, but she refused. I’ve tried to let this go: It’s just an object and not worth a lot of money, but I still harbour hard feelings. I was fond of my former sister-in-law; she was sweet to me and my kids. But we don’t have many things that belonged to my grandparents, and I’d rather give the ring to my daughter than let a stranger hang on to it. (My brother’s ex-wife doesn’t have children.) May I ask for it back? — EX-SISTER-IN-LAW

A: Perhaps the single greatest tool in conflict resolution is our imagination. Here, for instance, by picturing ourselves in your former sister-in-law’s place, we may cook up a compromise that works for everyone.

I certainly understand your emotional attachment to a ring that belonged to your grandmother. It’s odd, though, that you don’t seem to acknowledge your former sister-in-law’s more direct relationship with it: it was her engagement ring. She may have worn it every day of her married life. And the ultimate dissolution of the marriage doesn’t change the fact that the ring may still symbolise the love and hope she once felt for your brother and their life together. (She is also its legal owner — and hardly a “stranger,” as you call her.)

Now, it’s good that you are fond of your former sister-in-law. Go to her: acknowledge her possible feelings about the ring, express your own — and ask if she would consider leaving it to your daughter in her will. This would respect everyone’s attachment to the heirloom. It’s also possible, of course, that I am being too rosy here, and your former sister-in-law is hanging on to the ring out of anger or hurt feelings — in which case, you may commiserate with her and offer to buy it back.

Great story, but maybe hold the demographics?

Q: Whenever a particular relative tells a story, she tends to mention people’s race, ethnicity or religion. “I met a wonderful Jewish man the other day,” for instance. Or “I had an Uber ride with the nicest Armenian woman.” When other people tell stories, a similar thing occurs: “Klein is a German name,” she’ll say. “Is she German?” Part of me believes this is just another piece of information to her; another part thinks it’s cringeworthy. Should I say something? — T.

A: I hate to be evasive, but context really matters here. My grandparents were immigrants, for instance, and they (and my parents, to a lesser extent) were scrupulous about noting the race and ethnicity of people they met. They seemed to identify with the foreignness of others in a small town in Vermont. Perhaps it made them feel less alone.

I’ve also known people, of course, who use race, ethnicity and religion to “other” people: to make them different or inferior. (That’s worse than “cringeworthy”; it’s offensive.) So let’s not generalise here. Since you’re not sure what your relative is doing, why not point out her tendency, share a few examples and ask how she thinks about it? That seems more productive than asking a stranger to judge her.

You’re a wonderful cat, but your timing is terrible

Q: My mother lost her eyesight a year ago. She still needs a lot of help at home. She likes to go outside and sit on the porch with our dog, which she can do on her own. Recently, we found a stray kitten and decided to keep it. My father and I are very fond of it! The problem: my mother is upset that she can no longer open the front door to the porch without possibly letting the kitten out. We’ve told her we’re happy to open the door for her if she wants to go outside. But she is angry that we are further limiting her already limited activities. What should we do? — SON

A: Your mother is going through a major transition. (I hope she’s working with an occupational therapist to help her.) I freely admit there are few creatures more adorable than kittens. Still, this seems to be the wrong time to introduce one to your household.

Reducing your mother’s limited independence — forcing her to ask for help every time she wants to go to the patio — seems like the wrong call now. Find the kitten a new home and revisit the issue when your mother is more comfortable with her new circumstances.

The gold standard of neighbours

Q: I live in a condo complex surrounded by other units on all sides. I wake up early, even on the weekends. So far, I have been waiting until 10am to vacuum on Saturday or Sunday. Is that still too early? I want to be respectful of my neighbours. — LILY

A: What a thoughtful question! I think 10am is fine. (Then again, I don’t work the night shift or have a baby.) Assuming you haven’t heard from your neighbours, carry on. And if you’re still concerned, why not ask them?

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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