"Can divorce really be better for the whole family, including (especially) children?" Photo / 123rf
Washington Post parenting columnist Meaghan Leahy answers a reader’s question.
Dear Meghan: Can divorce really be better for the whole family, including (especially) children, and what are the best ways to support children during a divorce?
I am thinking about separating from my spouse, who has been chronically unfaithful for our entire relationship. Because the infidelity and related dishonesty are by far the main reasons to separate, and we are otherwise good co-parents and roommates, I have hesitated. However, I believe that the emotional cost is negatively impacting how I am with our child, who is young elementary-school [primary school] age. I am angrier and more irritable and reactive than I want to be.
When is divorce not the worst option for a child, and how should I/we support a child during this process?
- Divorce?
Divorce?: Thank you for writing! Divorce can be very difficult for everyone in the family, but, given how often it occurs, it cannot be the case that divorce is the worst case for the child. If it were, most families would be in dire straits.
I have thoughts and feelings about your spouse cheating on you for your entire marriage (about the disrespect and putting your physical health in danger), but my feelings don’t matter here. And if being roommates and co-parents were working for you (and they do for some families), I would say carry on. But that’s not the case.
You clearly state that the emotional cost is hurting your relationship with your child. Being more angry, irritable and reactive are real reasons to reconsider your current situation, even if these considerations are difficult to face. With some notable exceptions, most parents who divorce are facing hard or harder choices. Stay and get angrier and worsen your relationship with your child, or leave and face new heartache, transition and worries.
How do you support your child if you choose to divorce? First, contact a good lawyer before you make any moves. Why does this support your child? The more knowledgeable you feel, the more that translates into your everyday parenting. If you feel frantic or uninformed, you will feel more reactive with your child. You may not need a lawyer, but having all the information will help with your next moves.
Next, try to maintain a healthy and positive relationship with your co-parent, no matter what. You will want to put up boundaries to keep yourself and your child emotionally safe, but if you can prevent your child from having to choose between you and your partner, it would help your family tremendously. I am not saying this lightly; choosing to be positive can often be very difficult in a divorce. And it’s only made harder if your spouse chooses to take the opposite tack.
Because of the contentious nature of divorce, you will want to have your own support. From counsellors to online groups to divorce coaches, there are a plethora of ways to find safe places to vent, find advice and lean on other parents who have experienced the same issues as you have. You will become a more regulated parent when you are surrounded by loving and understanding adults. Remember: you have been cheated on, consistently, for a number of years. It would not be surprising if you begin to need some kind of therapy after the divorce; when everything starts to settle, you may feel even more angry or sad. Have the support set up before you need it.
And, just as you’ll need someone to talk to, you make sure to be that person for your child. Good listening goes a long way. Don’t listen just to talk, and don’t listen to try to make everything “okay”. Carefully listen to hear the emotions under the feelings. Make the time for your child, and let them vent or chat or worry without you “fixing” or offering easy solutions. A child in divorce wants to know that they can safely speak to their parents without making the parent “feel guilty” or rush in with quick help. So, listen, listen, listen.
Keep the boundaries and routines as strong as you can. Parents who are divorcing may feel tempted to let rules and expectations slide, or offer gifts or leniency out of guilt or to make a situation easier, but that’s a fast track to making a child feel more scared, not less. Especially with a young child, routine truly feels good (even if they fight it). Certainly, extra love and cuddles are understandable, and of course you will be more understanding of misbehaviour, but continue to set the standards of values in your family.