Advice: How do I support a struggling friend without giving her money?

You don’t have to solve everything to be a good friend. Photo / 123RF

A friend is struggling – mostly due to her own bad choices – and this letter writer is tired of supporting her through it.

Q. D and I have been friends for 30 years, through moving, divorce and more. She had a stroke four years ago and her husband died shortly afterwards from Covid. She quit her job since she couldn’t handle it. I was by her side constantly – crying, laughing, always nonjudgmental and ready to do whatever she needed. Together, we went through her whole house (husband was a hoarder); she sold it and moved far away for a new start. I was devoted to her wellbeing these past three years.

Since then, she has blown through all the money – life insurance, sale of house and retirement – to live beyond her means without getting a job. It’s not my place to judge how devastating it is to lose a spouse. I figured she’s a smart person and would work again when she was ready. Then she had a heart attack and is now disabled. She can’t work, she can’t afford her apartment, and she has no one to rely on.

Now, I am starting to feel judgmental. She’s getting friends to pay her bills. I am not comfortable with that at all. She made one bad decision after another and now she’s really in a bind. I’m at a loss for what to say to her. I know she wants me to offer to give her money, but I don’t want to, and my husband would never agree anyway.

I am so sympathetic, but I’m also tired. I feel like an awful friend for wanting to pull away, especially since we’ve been through a lot together, but she’s made so many bad choices. Should I have told her all along that I didn’t agree? It seems mean to point out all the wrong turns she made after the fact. How do I support her without giving her money?

- Supportive

A friend in need isn’t always best served by financial support. Photo / 123RF

A. It’s clear your empathy for D’s struggles has run out. You say you were “devoted to her wellbeing”, which may mean you’ve done more in the friendship than you’ve been comfortable with and now you’re feeling resentful for not having better boundaries. Setting boundaries with D doesn’t mean you abandon your friendship; it means you find a way to be her friend without abandoning your own needs or comfort.

You feel judgmental of D because you strongly believe there is a right and wrong way for her to be handling her struggles, but you want to take a step back and focus on your friendship rather than “pointing out wrong turns”. Yes, she needs support, but that does not mean you have to fix her problems for her. After all, there’s a difference between enabling and supporting D. Enabling involves protecting her from the consequences of her actions, making excuses for her, and generally doing things for her that she should be doing herself. Supporting is about listening to D, guiding her to resources, and encouraging her independence. This reframe may force you to interrogate this sense of responsibility you feel and the guilt that is connected to it.

Spend some time considering exactly how you’re willing to be supportive to D, then communicate that to her. You may decide you are able to offer a listening ear for only a set amount of time a week. Or you may decide you want to encourage her to use resources available to her. These can be things such as welfare benefits, resources for support as a person with a disability, financial counselling and credit counselling, or even local resources in her area for food and transportation needs. Resist helping where you are not comfortable but offer support where you are. For instance, the next time she continues to vent about the same issue on the phone, you may say something like, “I know things continue to be hard for you. I want to be honest, it’s really hard for me to keep talking about this. I was wondering whether you’d be open to collaboratively looking up a resource on [specific issue] together?” Or, “I want to support you in getting the help you need right now. I recently learned about these free financial counselling services. Can I share them with you?”

More generally, it sounds as if a new dynamic has emerged over the past few years in which you are always available for her to lean on, but you are not being nurtured or appreciated in ways you need. Be honest with yourself about how D’s struggles have been impacting your friendship. For example, maybe you are worried about her and have been showing up more tentatively with her because of it. Or maybe you have more walls up because you are scared for her to finally ask you for money. Whatever it is, it’s clear you want to say something. So instead of focusing on what you think she should be doing, start the conversation with how you are feeling. This may sound like, “I want to be supportive, but I am really worried about you and it’s impacting how honest I feel I can be with you.” Or, “When you share about your financial struggles, I feel as if you’re hoping I’ll offer you money. I love you, but this is not something I am comfortable with.”

If you still feel stuck with what to say, use it! Name these feelings (“I feel helpless” or “I don’t know what to say…”) with her. Going back to the basics in your friendship can help you find common ground, be more honest, and integrate your needs and capacity into the dynamic. Good luck!