Advice: How can I stop my mother-in-law’s insulting compliments?

What do you do when you're trapped by uncomfortable hugs with your mother-in-law? Photo / Getty Images

Q: When I say goodbye to my mother-in-law, she frequently traps me in extended hugs. They often last longer than 15 seconds! During these hugs, she rattles off compliments that are probably well-meaning but that I take as insults: she’s grateful that I’m a good cook for my husband, for instance, and that I keep our house so clean. My husband and I are both working professionals. We split the housework evenly, and I’m proud of that. My husband says that his mother’s comments are just her way of trying to connect with me. But is there a way to dodge her hugs? That’s when the so-called compliments begin. - Daughter-in-law

A: Fifteen seconds is longer than I want to be hugged by most people. So I sympathise — and have an idea for you. But it seems to me that you are avoiding a second issue here: your mother-in-law’s compliments, while sincere, don’t square with your values. And avoiding her hugs will not fix that problem. So why not talk to her about it? It sounds as if her life experience may have been different from yours. That’s no insult to anyone.

But first, the unwanted hugging: the next time your mother-in-law steps in to embrace you, take each of her hands in yours and hold her at a distance. Establish eye contact and give her a warm smile. Friendly but without the hugging! This routine may be repeated as required.

Now on to her comments: next time she begins, explain to her that you know she values good cooking and housekeeping – the subjects of her compliments. Then say: “But I don’t do that work on my own. Your son and I share it equally. It’s one of the things I love about our marriage. It gives me time for my career.”

She may not understand this division of labour initially if it’s radically different from her experience. But it will give you something to talk about and help to reframe your relationship with her. Worth it, no?

The height of frustration

Q: We are a family of five tall people: two adults and three adolescents all over 6 feet tall. This prompts endless observations from friends and strangers about our height. Until recently, we had no problem letting these comments float by. But this summer, our 14-year-old daughter developed an eating disorder, and the constant reminder that people are looking at her and judging her isn’t doing her any good. Any ideas for curbing these daily comments without disclosing our daughter’s issue? - Mum

A: For 17 years, I have advised readers that unbidden comments about others’ appearance are unwise. We never know what people are going through or how our observations will affect them. Even purported compliments – “What long legs you have!” – can trigger insecurities and private pain, even though that’s not what the speakers intend. (The subject matter is also none of the speakers’ business!)

Yet for 17 years, I have met with steady resistance. Many readers believe that they are entitled to give compliments and to be curious (“Just how tall are you?”). Some even assert that they are making the world a friendlier place by butting in. You probably won’t stop these people. So consider how you feel about this response: “Teenagers are self-conscious about their looks. We all are! I bet you can find something better to talk about.” This may be helpful to the next family, too!

You can sleep it off tomorrow

Q: I threw a birthday party for my husband recently. I sent out invitations 10 days in advance. An hour before the party, two of his friends called to say they wouldn’t be coming after all because they were hungover. I was short with them because I didn’t see that as a valid reason to skip the commitment they had made. I also knew that my husband would be disappointed. They ended up coming after they realised I was annoyed. Did I overreact? - Wife

A: Possibly, but perhaps it worked out for the best. If I had answered the call from your husband’s hungover friends, I would have pretended it was all fine. But in truth, I would have been as annoyed as you were. By being short with them, you were honest and protective of your husband’s feelings. I don’t sanction bullying, of course, but a bit of curtness seems to have done the trick here.

The couple is registered at your nearest ATM

Q: A cousin with whom I am not close is getting married. She doesn’t have the money to give a big wedding, so I didn’t expect to be invited. Still, I received what looked like an invitation – only to discover it was a request for gifts, cash preferred. I was shocked and appalled. I worry that if I don’t send a gift it will cause tension between us. But I don’t want to reward bad manners, either. Advice? - Cousin

A: Are you really worried about tension with a distant cousin, or do you want validation for your shock and horror? I can imagine both situations. But remember: “No” is a good answer to many questions. Be generous in spirit with your cousin. Write off her gift request as a silly mistake – we all make them – and send a congratulatory card instead.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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