Advice: A friend asked to bring my ex to my party - was it OK to disinvite her?

What do you do when you're caught off guard by a friend? Photo / Getty Images

Q: Last year, my best friend from college (early 30s) told me that she had maintained a friendship with my college ex in the 10 years since our breakup. I was taken aback by this, since she didn’t know him before my relationship with him. Recently, she asked if she could bring him as a guest to a party of college friends that I’m hosting. I was shocked, considering the pain our breakup caused me - though I am now happily married to a wonderful man. What’s more, my friend and my ex both have significant others, though she denies any romantic involvement with him. I disinvited her from my party after letting her know that continuing our friendship is forcing me to relive a painful chapter in my life. Was this the right move? - Friend

A: Happily married or not, it seems to me that you have not adequately processed your decade-old breakup with your college ex. And there is no shame in that: Most of us are carrying around unresolved issues from our pasts. But when ancient history has the power to damage current relationships, we should look for help. I can’t imagine disinviting a good friend from a party simply because she asked to bring a guest I disliked. Why didn’t you just say no?

Your friend did nothing wrong in remaining close with your ex. I have many friends to whom I was introduced by mutual acquaintances, and the fate of these friendships has never depended on my relationship with the people who introduced us.

I’m sorry that you had a rough breakup. (Many of us have!) But I wonder if your friend didn’t tell you about her friendship with your ex because she anticipated an outsize response from you — which you certainly delivered.

I would call your friend, apologize and ask her to consider coming to your party. You may hold firm, of course, on excluding your ex. But I would stop speculating about his love life. It’s none of your business. And I encourage you to explore — with a therapist — the ways in which this old relationship may be negatively affecting your current ones.

Funny, I Didn’t See You in Jamaica …

Q: We employ a wonderful housekeeper who works for several tenants in our building. This morning, my husband ran into her in the lobby, and he noticed that she was wearing a distinctive T-shirt: one that I bought at a music festival in Jamaica. When he told me about it, I scoured my drawers hoping for a coincidence, but my T-shirt was missing. I don’t want to accuse her of wrongdoing, and if she were going to take something, there are more valuable items than a T-shirt. What should I do? - Employer

A: Why not ask your housekeeper: “Did you take my music festival T-shirt?” Then, listen. She may have borrowed it after her shirt got wet or dirty while she was cleaning and forgotten to return it. And that explanation may be entirely unacceptable to you — in which case, you should fire her. (Personally, it wouldn’t bother me much, but I would remind her that she should ask before borrowing things.) Or her story may be different, and you will have to judge it for yourself. But speaking to your housekeeper is the only fair way to resolve this issue.

Check, Tip, Setup, Punchline

Q: My 77-year-old dad has developed a habit of approaching tables of strangers in restaurants and telling them a joke as we’re leaving. (“How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows — it’s never been done!”) He was in sales and has always told jokes, but my skin crawls when he interrupts the meals and conversations of strangers and blurts out these jokes. What should I do? - Daughter

A: I know firsthand the occasional mortification of having an extroverted parent. Your father (and my mother) never met a stranger, correct? But I will also say, in long hindsight, that my mother probably brought more joy to people than she did annoyance. It may be the same with your father. And while you and I will never interrupt tables of strangers, you are probably not going to change your father at this point. And I bet that most of the strangers end up chuckling. I’d let this go.

Undone by a Button-Down

Q: At work, an employee I supervise has a habit of unbuttoning a middle button on his shirt, inserting a couple of fingers in the gap and playing with his chest hair. I find this absolutely repulsive. Do I have the right to ask him to stop? - Supervisor

A: Most people I know have an unappealing habit (or three). And your employee’s unusual one seems related to the more common practices of men tugging at their beards or women twirling their hair. These can be self-soothing behaviours.

It may, indeed, be helpful for the employee to know that he is doing this habitually. (He may be unaware of it.) But the strength of your response — “absolutely repulsive” — suggests that you are not the right person to discuss it with him. Flag the issue for a more neutral supervisor and let him or her handle it.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

Photographs by: Getty Images

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