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Home / Lifestyle

Adult Toy Megastore endorses Hihi for Bird of the Year

NZ Herald
8 Nov, 2020 11:56 PM4 mins to read

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The hihi, open to new experiences. Photo / Supplied

The hihi, open to new experiences. Photo / Supplied

In the race to win the coveted Bird of the Year title, our native manu and their supporters strive to highlight the animal's strongest qualities.

The kea's cheekiness, the pīwakawaka's friendly flirtation with humans, the sheer bigness of the kererū.

But one bird has now revealed a side of themselves that may surprise many and with their revelation comes a big endorsement from an unusual source.

Turns out the hihi is a hornbag.

The humble hihi has a secret, or rather two of them - testicles four times larger than other birds their size.

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But it's not just their magnificent physique that supporters of the hihi are celebrating, their fans are also keen to share intimate details of how they love.

Now the humble hihi has received the official endorsement of Adult Toy Megastore, which has praised the bird's face-to-face lovemaking.

"Adult Toy Megastore is getting political," the adult retailers said in a statement.

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"We are proud to endorse The Hihi for Bird of the Year 2020. Hihi lead the sex positivity movement among songbirds and for that we salute them and say to you: VOTE HIHI.

"Hihi are a medium-sized forest species that is one of New Zealand's rarest birds. They are the only bird in the world to mate face to face. Male and female hihi practice consensual polyamory which is rare.

"Male hihi have testicles four times larger than they should be making them, by size, the largest testicles on a bird in the world! Hihi big bois need to produce large amounts of sperm to dilute that of other males so that's why their balls are bigger than their brains. How could you not vote for them?"

Adult Toy Megastore's claims of consensual polyamory do not stand up to scrutiny, however, with a 2004 PhD thesis by Matthew Low finding that "male stitchbirds seem to be able to bypass female choice through adopting a face to face forced copulation position".

The sex shop also praised the bird's "curved bill and long tongue that is used to reach deeply into flowers to brush nectar to eat".

Head of Customer Satisfaction Emma Hewitt says hihi should be honoured for their role in the sexual revolution.

"We can all learn a lot from Hihi about being sexually open and liberated. You don't need to have enormous testicles to enjoy your sex life and embrace sexual freedom. Every one of us can channel the Hihi and open ourselves up to new ideas to spice things up in the bedroom."

Adult Toy Megastore also released images of a male hihi sporting nipple clamps and a female wielding a riding crop.

The hihi, open to new experiences. Photo / Supplied
The hihi, open to new experiences. Photo / Supplied
The hihi is a polyamorous, sexually fluid bird. Photo / Supplied
The hihi is a polyamorous, sexually fluid bird. Photo / Supplied

The Herald contacted the hihi's official campaign manager, concerned about the veracity of the images.

"Species recovery programmes don't come cheap! Being a non judgmental bird, modelling these items pays the bills," they told the Herald.

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"Aside from the fact that Hihi don't have nipples, the Hihi would undoubtedly purchase items from ATMS, when it learns to use a credit card."

Challenged online about the hihi's unsavoury forced copulation, Team Hihi admitted: "I don't think they do coffee dates and roses" and noted that "anthropomorphism is a little tricky".

The campaign manager said that they hoped that the exposure of the hihi's sexual secrets would help the bird's chances this year.

"The hihi is a saucy and inclusive bird so it is a natural fit. We have been plugging away at BOTY for years and have trouble gaining traction due to the popularity of some of our better known birds.

"It is time for the underbird to rise!. With some luck, the support of ATMs will help bring us over the line, touch wood."

The hihi still has a way to go to take out the title this year, despite support from Deputy PM Grant Robertson.

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BREAKING: I have made the call and I am on @RealTeamHihi Fellow Wellingtonians get on board with the black and gold! https://t.co/ERigDC9BHk

— Grant Robertson (@grantrobertson1) November 3, 2020

It currently sits outside the top 10 according to figures released last Friday, with the Toroa/Antipodean albatross sitting at number one.

But there is hope.

"After just five days of voting, any bird could still soar to the top of the rankings, except the penguins which would waddle," says Bird of the Year Spokesperson Laura Keown.

Fans can cast their vote here and voting closes this Sunday, November 15.

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