Adam Green: Dunce's cap avoided but I'm not dux of the dads either

Adam Green

School report time! Parents across the region make their way to schools to engage in 15-minute conversations with child and teacher.

Praising the story they wrote about that weekend you had where you accidentally set fire to your good jacket with the barbecue that no one was supposed to know about.

Perusing the maths problems designed for kids of 8 or 9, but that now escape the range of immediate mathematical calculation in your foggy school memories.

Looking at the art that, quite frankly, is amazing considering your artistic ability stretches to colouring in the tooth of whoever is unlucky enough to be on the front of the local paper.

The spectrum of what is acceptable in primary school is no longer driven by a national standard but a range of what is normal and progressing properly. Which I can relate a little better to because it's a lot like parenting.

There is a range of what is acceptable.

What if we had a mid-year for the parents of the family?

"So Mr Green, we got to your mid-year parenting report. It'll be a five-way conference with your wife, and your children. How would YOU say you're doing in 2018?"

"Well, I've had some real wins this year, getting the kids to sports 85 per cent of the time on time, putting my cellphone down at the park for over an hour a fortnight, and only having grumpy bedtimes two to three times a week, and only when the kids have hopped up 7000 times."

My wife would glance across the table at our mediator: "Well, 85 per cent of the time is a bit of a stretch. Remember that time you failed to even turn up at hockey practice? I'd say Adam is a pass so far this year, with room for improvement. A solid 58 per cent, or C+, I'd like to see more care taken in certain aspects."

"Hmmmmm," our mediator would muse, and what about you kids?

"My dad's awesome," the eldest would reply, "10 out of 10!" (She's thoughtful like that.)

"Sometimes dad's a bit grumpy, and I love mum more, if I HAD to choose," would be daughter number two's reply. "Oh, but my dad does make great meatballs."

I'd turn to number three, eyes pleading for a good result, let's just get this report across the line …

"Dad," she'd say thoughtfully, "I need to go poos."

Our mediator would sigh. "Well, Mr Green, you're in the 'perfectly acceptable' range."

And as I'd leave, smiling at the win, my wife would whisper: "With room for improvement!"

• Don't miss Adam Green and Megan Banks (filling in for Sarah van der Kley) on The Hits Hawke's Bay from 6am to 9am, Monday to Friday