A man’s guide to midlife dating – from a divorced dad (and expert) who’s learnt the hard way

Fidel Beauhill, 48, is an NLP master coach, from Bristol. Photo / Instagram @Themordernmancoach

Fidel Beauhill, 48, is an NLP master coach, master hypnotherapist, and was a consultant on Davina McCall’s mature dating show My Mum, Your Dad. After seven years of dating, the divorced father-of-three from Bristol now has a steady girlfriend. From what to put on your profile and who pays for dinner to ‘ghosting’ and the new rules of consent, the dating coach for men shares his tips.

Post-divorce dating is a topic that needs more discussion. Unlike earlier generations, we now have the no-fault divorce making separation easier, and more of us are dating in later life. Throw in the explosion of dating apps, the female sexual revolution and the closing of gender gaps at work, many people are confused about the role they’re supposed to play.

It’s complex, and it’s pushing both sexes further apart. As a dating coach for males, I’m passionate about bringing modern men and women back together again.

We’re not 20 any more – going out, getting drunk and “pulling” doesn’t work. Women don’t want to be approached when they’re out or at the gym, and definitely not at work. So the apps are the answer. Those who say online dating is rubbish are just doing it wrong.

Here’s everything I’ve learnt since my own divorce seven years ago.

Don’t go on the apps until you’re over the breakup

I’d been with my ex-wife for over 15 years, wed for almost a decade, and we’d had three daughters (now aged 24, 21 and 18) before our mutual separation in 2018. Romantic love had faded, we were pulling in different directions, and getting out before hating each other seemed wise.

Leaving the family home to sleep on a mattress at my mum’s for a bit (I know other guys who’ve rented bedsits or house share again) is unsettling when you’re freshly single.

But post-breakup is an opportunity to get physically, emotionally and financially stable. On first dates, or indeed any date, don’t bad mouth your ex or moan about your divorce. Self-pity isn’t sexy. You’ll have far more fun – and luck – on the dating scene if you do this first. Book the therapy or find a coach, take three to six months working through your baggage before inflicting yourself on anyone new.

Avoid getting too serious, too soon

Chances are your sex life has dwindled over the course of a long-term relationship. Mine had. Suddenly being free – to sleep with women! – seemed thrilling. Predictably, I downloaded Tinder. Yet within a few swipes there was one of my wife’s best mates. “S**t!” I panicked. “I don’t want everyone gossiping about how eager I am to date.” Bristol is a big city, but everybody knows everybody.

So instead of the usual apps, I tried a married-but-dating site; meeting someone equally motivated by discretion was the appeal. I’m not suggesting ‘cheating sites’ are the way forward, but boy was it eye-opening. The first person I popped my post-divorce cherry with was a housewife whose wealthy husband’s disability meant he’d granted his permission for her to have sex with other men. I liked that no one was lying or looking for commitment, so it felt safe to have fun while maintaining some integrity.

It’s tempting to delve straight into messaging multiple women chaotically (as I’ve been guilty of at times) yet this soon leads to overwhelm, requiring what some call a “feminine cleanse”. Last year I took a self-imposed “monk mode” – no dates, messages, flirting or even much eye contact, keeping things light and professional with women for several weeks until I felt clearer about how I felt about them.

Dating apps aren’t just for young people – over-40s are one of the fastest-growing user groups. Photo / 123RF

Don’t fret about sex

Of course men worry about their ability to “perform”. This is normal. For me, being half Jamaican brought a different pressure. If you’re black, even “a little bit black” (as one woman described me), there’s a danger of being fetishised. I was even told that being mixed race felt “less full on” than sleeping with a fully black man.

At first, admittedly, I was guilty of playing into that stereotype because it seemed desirable, but I felt used as well as under pressure, as a keen boxer over 6ft, not just to be well endowed, but to have sexual stamina.

Because of my hypnotherapy training, I knew listening to hypnotherapy tapes would improve my so-called ‘staying power’ in this department. They do work – I recommend them to clients now.

While not everyone will have this problem, hypnotherapy is worth trying to boost your confidence and performance which will then boost self-esteem.

Attraction isn’t just about looks – confidence and effort make a huge difference. Photo / 123RF

Be honest about not wanting a full-blown relationship

Lots of guys lie, saying they’re ready, thinking that’s what women want to hear. Yet they’re bringing a mindset from pre-marriage, when everyone is looking for The One. Midlife dating is different, the women you might be interested in are quite likely also wanting something light-hearted, someone fun and respectful to have great conversation and good sex with when they haven’t got the kids.

Many guys are still stuck with the idea women want to tie you down, but modern divorcees are often independent, home-owning, working women. They’re not seeking a “provider”.

Men and women are more equal than ever

Having said that, biologically the sexes remain different. So while you may start a relationship and agree to keep it casual when you start having great sex, women are wired to “catch” more feelings because of the oxytocin and other connecting hormones coming alive during sex. Men on the other hand are designed to want to “spread our seed” so tend to find casual sex simpler. Being mindful of this difference might avoid future hurt. The best thing is to be open about what you’re after and to regularly check in as feelings can change.

Divorce is financially crippling, so get creative on dates

Dates don’t have to be fancy if you’re broke. Suggest a picnic with wine, or go for street food, trying a starter, main and pudding at different stalls instead of expensive meals out.

Women appreciate the effort and thought. There’s no shame in saying you’re fresh out of a divorce and sorting out your finances. The main thing is to have a plan for the date and don’t get stuck in an off-putting victim mentality.

Accept that disastrous dates are part of the process

The goal of the first date shouldn’t be landing a second one. See it as a chance to find out whether you’d like to see her again by asking her questions and showing an interest. There will be times when you won’t want a second or third date. One time - and a bottle of wine in - one of my dates started telling me she’d frozen her eggs and became very emotional. On the next date she brought out a brochure of potential sperm donors. Full of pictures not just of the adults, but the men as they looked as children. Looking at these pictures of young boys with her was surreal, not in a good way. As much as I sympathised, I also didn’t want to be used as a sperm donor, and made that clear as kindly as I could. We did not have sex.

Should the man always pay?

When it comes to paying, I think a one in three ratio works well (she pays once for every three you cover). It’s an act of grace and chivalry. Say, “allow me to pay, it would be my pleasure” rather than insisting for reasons of masculinity, which might be a red flag to her that you’re not listening and potentially bullying.

Then maybe on the third or fourth date say, “Okay, I’m going to let you do this one – you take me somewhere, you show me something.”

Consent has changed – make sure you’re up to date

Consent is crucial. Essentially this means understanding the other person’s boundaries and respecting them. At every stage of intimacy. It’s a skill learning how to do it. Directly asking ‘can I kiss you?’ can often turn women off who (often) still prefer men to take the lead. I saw how women cringed when I uttered these words. Now I’ve learnt that saying “I’m going to kiss you now - is that okay?” is better. It shows intent but also that you’re checking in.

I’ve had someone reply no, and had to laugh it off and say “you can’t blame me for trying”.

We’re in a confusing age between the sexes at the moment. Women are like a dial that has to be gently turned up, there’s no “on” switch, yet there is an instant “off” switch.

I really recommend you have the conversation on a first or second date to fully understand the other person’s boundaries in the bedroom. It’s also a chance for you to make it clear that you understand and respect that “no means no” and you won’t be cross or stroppy with them for changing their mind at any time. You need to reassure them that they are always safe to say no.

Go easy on the booze

Drinking can make dates easier but be careful. After a few drinks in a cocktail bar one date invited me back to hers for gin. I realised how drunk she was when she started dancing around removing her clothes. It felt all wrong, and I panicked I’d be accused of sexually assaulting this young woman. I’m afraid to say I pretended I was going to the toilet and then ran away. To both our embarrassment, we’ve bumped into each other since. Awkwardness happens when you’re dating – get over it and move on.

Ghosting is just part of the process

“Ghosting” is rife today, and I too have been guilty of just stopping responding to people I’ve chatted to online. Most of us have been on both ends of this. I’m not a psychologist, but it’s worth learning about attachment styles. Some people have an “anxious” attachment style, others “avoidant” and then there’s “secure” (those who can shrug off ghosting easily). Avoidants are more likely ghosters, and Anxious are more likely to take being ghosted very personally.

You need a thick skin if you’re going on a dating app. If you’ve been ghosted, it just means they’ve found someone more interesting. If it keeps happening, you might be tempted to blame all of the opposite sex. But perhaps you just need to be a bit more interesting?

Ghosting is a common dating experience, especially on apps – and it happens to almost everyone. Photo / 123RF

Finally, looks do matter …

Being bothered by appearances isn’t shallow. If you’re not in good shape - get to the gym. If you’re clueless about what clothes to wear, ask someone who does to advise you. You don’t have to buy expensive clothes, half my T-shirts are from Primark, I just know they best suit my body type.

Smelling good is even more important, my T-shirts might only cost £4, but I spend a lot more on my aftershave. And there’s no excuse for not tidying up “down there” guys - especially if you’re hoping someone will go near that area! It’s only respectful to keep dangly bits groomed.

Worried about balding? Shave!

The main reason women aren’t interested in men on the apps isn’t about looks - it’s lack of effort.

And finally, men classically think they need to “look” like they’re busy to be attractive. I say don’t look busy, be busy - take courses, learn new skills and make yourself more interesting. You might have clung on to the identity of being a husband or dad - but now’s the time to make a new identity and find what you’re passionate about if you don’t already know.

Create the life you want for yourself, so you’re happy whether a woman comes into it or not.

As told to Susanna Galton